Some take it or leave it reflections on eldercare, 18 months in

[Anonymous]

It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

[Anonymous]

Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Thank you great advice. My father lives with us and this is all so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is on the younger side to need so much help - but I wonder if that’s because he’s a man? Most of the elderly women in my orbit are quite self-sufficient, take themselves to appointments, etc.

Thank you for sharing. I do think it’s hard to generalize - many elderly people are capable of having meaningful conversations, etc. but I do understand where you’re coming from.

[Anonymous]

I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP for taking the time to post this and for your honesty. I am at the very beginning of the eldercare journey with my dad and already so much of what you shared is relevant to my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

NP - I really appreciated your post, OP. To the above, I just wanted to add that some people may love their parents but not like them very much, or may find the reversal of roles very upsetting. That's allowed too, and people like PP don't get to criticize.
I agree that as long as your parent is safe and cared for and you're not saying cruel things to them, you're doing great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

I’ve been in your shoes. Your childish comments are sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

Short of having a pistol, I’m not quite sure how one just “takes away” things from a resistant adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

There are so many people who deteriorate before 70, though, especially when it comes to decision-making and vulnerability to scams. And just because someone is legally competent - or " vibrant" - does not mean they can functionally care for themselves. It's really hard.

My mom is 75 with a mobility issue affecting her legs. She recently bought an expensive new car. Could I legally stop her? No. Was the purchase wise? Also no. Is it a sign of increasing problems with impulse control? IMO yes but there's a lot of room to argue.

[Anonymous]

Good post, Op. I only skimmed it but it was good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad is on the younger side to need so much help - but I wonder if that’s because he’s a man? Most of the elderly women in my orbit are quite self-sufficient, take themselves to appointments, etc.

Thank you for sharing. I do think it’s hard to generalize - many elderly people are capable of having meaningful conversations, etc. but I do understand where you’re coming from.

He was always a bit of a man child, and he isn’t capable of fully comprehending what the dr says (too fast for him and too complex).
On the surface he doesn’t seem cognitively impaired; in fact he can come off as an intelligent, educated man, but all his knowledge is out of date and very theoretical.
My brother thinks he has some undiagnosed special needs or something, he is amazingly bad at taking care of himself.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

Short of having a pistol, I’m not quite sure how one just “takes away” things from a resistant adult.

Some resistance can be overcome, but I’ve had a very resistant parent myself (gone now so things are much easier) so I said that yes, it can be impossible.

Which brings me to another point! If your parent is difficult in any way (alcoholic, mentally ill, a narc, etc etc) - it’s best not to waste effort and emotion and let them be. It was the case with my mother, any help I could ever provide was misused and/or turned against me. I should have stopped bothering
-OP