Some take it or leave it reflections on eldercare, 18 months in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

There are so many people who deteriorate before 70, though, especially when it comes to decision-making and vulnerability to scams. And just because someone is legally competent - or " vibrant" - does not mean they can functionally care for themselves. It's really hard.

My mom is 75 with a mobility issue affecting her legs. She recently bought an expensive new car. Could I legally stop her? No. Was the purchase wise? Also no. Is it a sign of increasing problems with impulse control? IMO yes but there's a lot of room to argue.

Was this impulse control an aspect
of her personality prior to aging? Isn’t some of this their personality (that may have been exacerbated by aging)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

I’ve been in your shoes. Your childish comments are sad.

I agree. I have taken care of both my parents and feel very different about the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

There are so many people who deteriorate before 70, though, especially when it comes to decision-making and vulnerability to scams. And just because someone is legally competent - or " vibrant" - does not mean they can functionally care for themselves. It's really hard.

My mom is 75 with a mobility issue affecting her legs. She recently bought an expensive new car. Could I legally stop her? No. Was the purchase wise? Also no. Is it a sign of increasing problems with impulse control? IMO yes but there's a lot of room to argue.

Was this impulse control an aspect
of her personality prior to aging? Isn’t some of this their personality (that may have been exacerbated by aging)?

I'm the PP with the mom. It's really hard to tell because the changes associated with aging start earlier than people like to admit and mental deterioration happens over decades. You don't flip a switch at 67.

Also, when my mom was 50 I was an adult living outside the house and when she was 40 I was a tween. So I am not really in a position to say what is personality and what is aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

Good points. OP was very blunt, truly so. Do wonder if, as someone else mentioned early on in the thread, that he may have more expectations of care because his wife covered that for him when she was alive - I see that. The wife is dead and now the husband expects his adult children, especially female. to handle all the needs.

That is not always the case as I know with my own relatives, but it really hurts when I see a friend managing children and as well a dad who offers no help.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

[Anonymous]

OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

OP I related to so much. Very useful and insightful post. I really had to have that emotional cocoon. The money thing is so complicated. I did not feel right accepting anything, but it really is jarring to see what happens. While I was spending my own money on things to help my wealthy mom and refusing reimbursement for that or for my time, I got totally screwed. She became more resentful of me rather than more appreciative. The sibling who was barely in her life, swooped in, turned her against me and had her funding EVERYTHING. Cousins swooped in for handouts AND she was considered cognitively fine by screeners.

I think if I had accepted money I would have felt guilty and the sibling who took advantage would have used that against me. So my advice is actually hire out a lot if the parent can afford it. I finally had to do that when the parent became abusive, but I should have done it sooner. I would have much rather had pleasant visits where I wasn't doing tasks or playing driver.

I would add to that, if your parent becomes abusive you figure out how to remove yourself from the equation. We don't discuss that enough. I my case it was not due to dementia, but often times it is. There is a lot of garbage advice from experts. Nobody deserves abuse. I wasted years using methods and strategies. In our case I could hire out everything, but if I could not I would have had to find out what was available to her even if it were a lousy facility because I was losing my will to live and I was useless to my family. No amount of therapy or sipping tea while reading a book was going to do it. I should not have made all the sacrifices I did. I could have been working more, and I could have been there more for my family. Thank goodness I did eventually step back and it was life-changing.

OP here. I think the guilt part is very important here. I am sure your sibling and the cousins didn’t feel any guilt. Guilt is something to get rid of in eldercare. I try to only follow the moral imperative but eliminate guilt. As long as we treat them decently, we are fully allowed to pursue own interests first and foremost. They don’t need that money anymore.

My dad is poor but has a bit saved and I don’t hesitate to safekeep it for him. Unfortunately outsourcing is not an option unless it’s something critical like changing diapers but we’ll see.

I agree with you re: abuse from the elderly. I even added a point that if one’s parent is difficult - no shame in leaving them to their own devices, I had to largely do it with my mother unfortunately. Strangely I’m grateful to her that she pushed me away, she went relatively fast and independently, unlike my father who doesn’t hesitate letting me care for him and is seemingly in it for the long haul and is oblivious to how it’s perceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP here, I wanted to echo a couple things in the replies that have been relevant to me in eldercare:

Hearing loss starts earlier than you think, sometimes even in theirs 40s. A TON of my dad's irritability and anger resolved once he finally got hearing aids and could understand what anyone was saying or be in noisy places without getting confused. In hindsight, it had been a problem for decades. So if you can get their hearing checked, do. If you can get your OWN hearing checked, do that and don't be vain about getting hearing aids if they're recommended.

There is so much untreated mental illness in the generation that was born 1950 or earlier. Depression, ADHD, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. just went untreated and often unremarked. And that is just baseline population stuff: then add on the effects of rampant child abuse and sexual harassment, and Vietnam. They're all traumatized. Remembering that gives me some compassion even when they're frustrating.

OP here, yes, I keep track of my own hearing as it’s now easy to do using AirPods! There are also online tools one can use with any earbuds.

As for them all having trauma… I think if they got with the times they could have resolved it, it’s part of their being stubborn in staying behind and acting selfish. Same as when they refuse to learn computers and smartphones.
My dad is anxious and if he chooses not to treat it despite me telling him it’s not the cuckoo’s nest anymore and considering himself highly intelligent - oh well. He is free to wallow in his anxious thoughts, I refuse to partake in it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

Honestly I think the greatest two factors are whether the parents are decent people and are able to get with the times as we grow and they age. They could have been imperfect in the past, but if they are “normal” now and aren’t mean, this is like 90% of the deal. Not needing money from us is huge too! (Luckily my dad is net positive in this regard)
Having been good to us as kids matters too, but for me I think I was able to let go of most of my issues with him, it’s just that now he is so “inadequate” if I may, so behind the times, and at the same time thinks so highly of his intellect.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

I’ve been in your shoes. Your childish comments are sad.

I agree. I have taken care of both my parents and feel very different about the topic.

I am glad you had a better experience.
Feel free to share if you’d like

[Anonymous]

I watched and helped my mom take care of my grandmother, her mom, for a very long time. So when my mom needed help, I was happy to help. My dad had died of cancer many years earlier. I had a job and a family of my own. I could sense that my mom really hated becoming so dependent and I hope I never made her feel like a burden, because she wasn’t. She is gone now and I miss her so much, but I know she was not happy even though she was able to live and die in her own home. In my experience, it was harder on my mom than on me. I hope I leave this earth before I become dependent on anyone. I’m like my mom that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

There are so many people who deteriorate before 70, though, especially when it comes to decision-making and vulnerability to scams. And just because someone is legally competent - or " vibrant" - does not mean they can functionally care for themselves. It's really hard.

My mom is 75 with a mobility issue affecting her legs. She recently bought an expensive new car. Could I legally stop her? No. Was the purchase wise? Also no. Is it a sign of increasing problems with impulse control? IMO yes but there's a lot of room to argue.

Was this impulse control an aspect
of her personality prior to aging? Isn’t some of this their personality (that may have been exacerbated by aging)?

I'm the PP with the mom. It's really hard to tell because the changes associated with aging start earlier than people like to admit and mental deterioration happens over decades. You don't flip a switch at 67.

Also, when my mom was 50 I was an adult living outside the house and when she was 40 I was a tween. So I am not really in a position to say what is personality and what is aging.

I am OP. This is all so true! I struggled for some time trying to decide if certain traits were part of my father’s personality or it was aging. I’ve now decided it wasn’t really important. I have someone who is not always pleasant to deal with, so I’ll treat it as a given. The consensus with my singling is that our father was always fundamentally lacking personality wise, character wise, but was great at putting on airs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

Good points. OP was very blunt, truly so. Do wonder if, as someone else mentioned early on in the thread, that he may have more expectations of care because his wife covered that for him when she was alive - I see that. The wife is dead and now the husband expects his adult children, especially female. to handle all the needs.

That is not always the case as I know with my own relatives, but it really hurts when I see a friend managing children and as well a dad who offers no help.

OP here. I think what gets me is that he pretends that he is independent and doesn’t expect anything but then he can’t do anything decently and we the kids are left to pick up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

Can you explore Medicaid trusts and overall shielding assets and place her somewhere where Medicaid can pay for her care? Some homes let you stay there on Medicaid once you’ve paid them for a certain amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.