Some take it or leave it reflections on eldercare, 18 months in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how old are you? Do you really want to suggest people in their 60s can’t manage?

DP. I think we need to be open to the idea that many (not all) people in their 60s don't actually manage that well. Our perception of people in their 60s is heavily influenced by the fact it's "normal" to work into your 60s in the U.S. and public benefits dont start until mid to late 60s. But that doesn't have anything to do with physical and mental ability.

Yes, some people are hiking the AT at 65. But many more are reaching that age with hearing loss, balance issues, rigid thinking, scary driving, etc. Pretending everyone's grand until 70 helps no one.

OP here. Yes, exactly! Even at work, there are so many “inadequate” people! Mostly rigid thinking coupled with unwavering belief that they are right!
There are drugs for preventing deaths but not for keeping mental and physical health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on those who are judging. Caring for an elder is hard work, emotionally draining, and not appreciated.
Try it for a week then get back to those of us who do it.
It’s perfectly normal to view some as “living past their time” - when their quality of life is so low due to pain, confusion, etc.

I agree there are circumstances where "living past their time" is 100% applicable and not cruel in the least. My dad has dementia and is in memory care and will very likely leave my mom on medicaid with little left over for her own medical care if/when she needs it. I can say without a single doubt he would not have wanted to live like this.

I think it's good when we are honest in this forum because there are very few places we can talk about the true ugly side of senior care.

OP here. I’ll go even further and say that “past one’s time” is when nobody cares if one lives or not, and definitely when the best thing one can do to those around them is die.

I'm a DP who has agreed with you but I disagree here. What you've written is the big reason so many oppose euthanasia - the fear that people will be pressured to die because they are a burden or because their family doesn't want them / doesn't like them / wants to inherit. What people around you feel is irrelevant to whether your life has value: what matters is whether you want to live.

Saying somebody has poor quality of life and would prefer not to live in that state - e.g., in a state of pain or without certain dignities - is very different from saying that next of kin wouldn't miss you. The latter is not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on those who are judging. Caring for an elder is hard work, emotionally draining, and not appreciated.
Try it for a week then get back to those of us who do it.
It’s perfectly normal to view some as “living past their time” - when their quality of life is so low due to pain, confusion, etc.

I agree there are circumstances where "living past their time" is 100% applicable and not cruel in the least. My dad has dementia and is in memory care and will very likely leave my mom on medicaid with little left over for her own medical care if/when she needs it. I can say without a single doubt he would not have wanted to live like this.

I think it's good when we are honest in this forum because there are very few places we can talk about the true ugly side of senior care.

OP here. I’ll go even further and say that “past one’s time” is when nobody cares if one lives or not, and definitely when the best thing one can do to those around them is die.

I'm a DP who has agreed with you but I disagree here. What you've written is the big reason so many oppose euthanasia - the fear that people will be pressured to die because they are a burden or because their family doesn't want them / doesn't like them / wants to inherit. What people around you feel is irrelevant to whether your life has value: what matters is whether you want to live.

Saying somebody has poor quality of life and would prefer not to live in that state - e.g., in a state of pain or without certain dignities - is very different from saying that next of kin wouldn't miss you. The latter is not relevant.

Yes, I am of course against pressuring anyone, it was more of a theoretical concept.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard to know what the right thing is or would be. My mom has been declining for several years with dementia and aphasia, a-fib and at least three brain bleeds. She’s the one who can’t feed herself and has to be changed in bed. But she still has good days. We’re coming off three weeks of her babbling with her eyes closed and for the last week she’s alert and smiling and singing. It’s not clear how much she understands but she’s still sort of there sometimes, and I guess currently living her best life despite her circumstances. It’s heart wrenching. Personally I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to make a tough decision on her behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shame on those who are judging. Caring for an elder is hard work, emotionally draining, and not appreciated.
Try it for a week then get back to those of us who do it.
It’s perfectly normal to view some as “living past their time” - when their quality of life is so low due to pain, confusion, etc.

+1

No one who knows anything and has done the heavy work would judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on those who are judging. Caring for an elder is hard work, emotionally draining, and not appreciated.
Try it for a week then get back to those of us who do it.
It’s perfectly normal to view some as “living past their time” - when their quality of life is so low due to pain, confusion, etc.

I agree there are circumstances where "living past their time" is 100% applicable and not cruel in the least. My dad has dementia and is in memory care and will very likely leave my mom on medicaid with little left over for her own medical care if/when she needs it. I can say without a single doubt he would not have wanted to live like this.

I think it's good when we are honest in this forum because there are very few places we can talk about the true ugly side of senior care.

OP here. I’ll go even further and say that “past one’s time” is when nobody cares if one lives or not, and definitely when the best thing one can do to those around them is die.

I'm a DP who has agreed with you but I disagree here. What you've written is the big reason so many oppose euthanasia - the fear that people will be pressured to die because they are a burden or because their family doesn't want them / doesn't like them / wants to inherit. What people around you feel is irrelevant to whether your life has value: what matters is whether you want to live.

Saying somebody has poor quality of life and would prefer not to live in that state - e.g., in a state of pain or without certain dignities - is very different from saying that next of kin wouldn't miss you. The latter is not relevant.

Same, this felt over the line. And I agree it's the reason we can't have death with dignity in this country. It would be so abused...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so hard to know what the right thing is or would be. My mom has been declining for several years with dementia and aphasia, a-fib and at least three brain bleeds. She’s the one who can’t feed herself and has to be changed in bed. But she still has good days. We’re coming off three weeks of her babbling with her eyes closed and for the last week she’s alert and smiling and singing. It’s not clear how much she understands but she’s still sort of there sometimes, and I guess currently living her best life despite her circumstances. It’s heart wrenching. Personally I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to make a tough decision on her behalf.

May her path be quick and easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

I have posted before and so much of this post resonates with me, but especially this part. It took me a while to accept.my mom had a lot of issues even while raising us with temper/rage, but when her life was easy-empty nest, not working at all, traveling a lot with dad, I could have a friendship with her. I kept hoping to get that friendship back even though a lot of that friendship in retrospect was one sided (listening to her gossip about her friends, comforting her, putting up with mood swings, helping her). I also had to let go of her ever appreciating all I did to help her as she aged.

[Anonymous]

I really needed this thread. I've been feeling so guilty for not liking my Dad anymore, which is adding to my resentment as I care for him while he slides into dementia. He's not "difficult," but I find him really hard to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really needed this thread. I've been feeling so guilty for not liking my Dad anymore, which is adding to my resentment as I care for him while he slides into dementia. He's not "difficult," but I find him really hard to take.

OP here, I was thinking about it today.
I can’t enjoy my dad’s company. It’s bearable for an hour but not pleasant really.

[Anonymous]

What a sad list. I disagree with the emotional cocoon and not engaging on a personal level. What a sad situation for the father. I have taken care of elderly people plenty so miss me with the “you can’t understand” BS arguments. Old people deserve real human connection. Especially from their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a sad list. I disagree with the emotional cocoon and not engaging on a personal level. What a sad situation for the father. I have taken care of elderly people plenty so miss me with the “you can’t understand” BS arguments. Old people deserve real human connection. Especially from their own children.

+1