Some take it or leave it reflections on eldercare, 18 months in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

As I said you’re lucky if your parents are not like I described but so many people are, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

This, please stop helping if you are neglecting his needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP for taking the time to post this and for your honesty. I am at the very beginning of the eldercare journey with my dad and already so much of what you shared is relevant to my situation.

You are very welcome, and best of luck! Many of us are in it for the long haul so we need to conserve energy, compassion, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

This, please stop helping if you are neglecting his needs.

Of course, much better if he is left alone to live in filth. I’ll stop immediately! /s

[Anonymous]

Yes especially about the doctor appointments. At one point I had taken my mother to 12 appts in one month. She complained to a doctor about little bumps on her skin (it was where her knee high had broken her remaining hair off). Doctor stated they did not think an issue but would put in a detm appt. I asked if doctor had any concerns about it, was it a heatlh issue, and Dr said no. I announced I would not take her to an appt. My mother chimed it it was a quality of life issue for her and if I cared... I fired back with what about my quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP for taking the time to post this and for your honesty. I am at the very beginning of the eldercare journey with my dad and already so much of what you shared is relevant to my situation.

You are very welcome, and best of luck! Many of us are in it for the long haul so we need to conserve energy, compassion, etc.

Compassion!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also bristle at taking away things from them - if someone has capacity, you cannot do that. I am simultaneously touched that you took the time to share what’s been helpful to you but I also find some of it a little bit offensive. Maybe because I’m 55 and not so far from my 60s. And maybe because I work with elderly and have many people in my life who are still vibrant and active into their 80s.

There are so many people who deteriorate before 70, though, especially when it comes to decision-making and vulnerability to scams. And just because someone is legally competent - or " vibrant" - does not mean they can functionally care for themselves. It's really hard.

My mom is 75 with a mobility issue affecting her legs. She recently bought an expensive new car. Could I legally stop her? No. Was the purchase wise? Also no. Is it a sign of increasing problems with impulse control? IMO yes but there's a lot of room to argue.

These are exactly the cases I’m talking about! I couldn’t stop my mom but I can at least look after my dad (though he is on the opposite extreme - he freezes up and doesn’t do what’s necessary)
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes especially about the doctor appointments. At one point I had taken my mother to 12 appts in one month. She complained to a doctor about little bumps on her skin (it was where her knee high had broken her remaining hair off). Doctor stated they did not think an issue but would put in a detm appt. I asked if doctor had any concerns about it, was it a heatlh issue, and Dr said no. I announced I would not take her to an appt. My mother chimed it it was a quality of life issue for her and if I cared... I fired back with what about my quality of life.

My dad keeps having concerns about his heart despite multiple tests coming back normal, I stopped paying attention,‘it’s all his anxiety or vanity (he wants a stress test and probably for the dr to say what amazing shape he is in)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you OP for taking the time to post this and for your honesty. I am at the very beginning of the eldercare journey with my dad and already so much of what you shared is relevant to my situation.

You are very welcome, and best of luck! Many of us are in it for the long haul so we need to conserve energy, compassion, etc.

Compassion!?!?

I used to commiserate every time he’d complain about the smallest changes in how he feels, well he is still here and didn’t need emergency care so I can save my worries for something more worthwhile

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to mention that freedom is important to the elderly, even if they do a poor job at doing things themselves. There is no world in which my parents would allow me to get involved in their dental care, etc at age 60, nor would I want to, tbh.

What this post overlooks is dignity.

Yes, you are a good daughter because your dad is clean and well fed, and of course you shouldn't let caring for him overtake your life. I have an abusive mother that I keep at arm's length, so I get it. But your dad is a person, and protecting yourself doesn't necessarily have to come at the cost of losing empathy for him.

Caring for our elderly parents is a very tough job for sure, and our parents are often unaware of the price we pay as the sandwich generation. It is steep.

But keeping a mindset of compassion with boundaries allows us to stay emotionally whole, ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Op here:
Only looking back do I realize that probably the dental issues as well as his hearing problems started way back when he was still young. Admittedly he is pretty helpless, and my late mother was a difficult person to deal with, so maybe I couldn’t even have done anything. However if parents are open to your help in scheduling and paying their copays, it may be saving you a lot of money and effort down the road. Again, it’s great when parents are independent and capable, but so many get either beat up by life or cognitively declined fairly early! I had no idea tbh.

As for compassion, I might be using the wrong word, but I used to become worried about him when he complained of minor issues. Now I try not to, out of self preservation. It doesn’t mean I am cruel and I dismiss his big concerns .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

OP I related to so much. Very useful and insightful post. I really had to have that emotional cocoon. The money thing is so complicated. I did not feel right accepting anything, but it really is jarring to see what happens. While I was spending my own money on things to help my wealthy mom and refusing reimbursement for that or for my time, I got totally screwed. She became more resentful of me rather than more appreciative. The sibling who was barely in her life, swooped in, turned her against me and had her funding EVERYTHING. Cousins swooped in for handouts AND she was considered cognitively fine by screeners.

I think if I had accepted money I would have felt guilty and the sibling who took advantage would have used that against me. So my advice is actually hire out a lot if the parent can afford it. I finally had to do that when the parent became abusive, but I should have done it sooner. I would have much rather had pleasant visits where I wasn't doing tasks or playing driver.

I would add to that, if your parent becomes abusive you figure out how to remove yourself from the equation. We don't discuss that enough. I my case it was not due to dementia, but often times it is. There is a lot of garbage advice from experts. Nobody deserves abuse. I wasted years using methods and strategies. In our case I could hire out everything, but if I could not I would have had to find out what was available to her even if it were a lousy facility because I was losing my will to live and I was useless to my family. No amount of therapy or sipping tea while reading a book was going to do it. I should not have made all the sacrifices I did. I could have been working more, and I could have been there more for my family. Thank goodness I did eventually step back and it was life-changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you great advice. My father lives with us and this is all so true.

All true.

[Anonymous]

DP here, I wanted to echo a couple things in the replies that have been relevant to me in eldercare:

Hearing loss starts earlier than you think, sometimes even in theirs 40s. A TON of my dad's irritability and anger resolved once he finally got hearing aids and could understand what anyone was saying or be in noisy places without getting confused. In hindsight, it had been a problem for decades. So if you can get their hearing checked, do. If you can get your OWN hearing checked, do that and don't be vain about getting hearing aids if they're recommended.

There is so much untreated mental illness in the generation that was born 1950 or earlier. Depression, ADHD, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. just went untreated and often unremarked. And that is just baseline population stuff: then add on the effects of rampant child abuse and sexual harassment, and Vietnam. They're all traumatized. Remembering that gives me some compassion even when they're frustrating.

[Anonymous]

My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.