How to tell DH I want him to be more dominant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

me me me me me.....and me me me me me.....and me

[Anonymous]

My husband is very reserved and an introvert. But he is very masculine, dominant and charismatic. You wouldn't think so because he really doesn't much, nor is he the first to open his mouth in group setting. But he is very assertive, confidant and he knows how to f**k me right every single time.

I had a boyfriend in college who was the total opposite. He was much more muscular, loud, act confident in front others but behind closed doors he was the weakest man I have ever seen. He was too agreeable, overly scared to try new positions....

Sometimes the quiet ones are the ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

NP. Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes. I’m looking for a masculine guy too so I guess I have no chance of finding one that rejects porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

This perfectly describes toxic masculinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

This perfectly describes toxic masculinity.

Oh boy! Here we go again with the made up terms for things that don’t exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

NP. Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes. I’m looking for a masculine guy too so I guess I have no chance of finding one that rejects porn.

Why would you want a man that rejects porn? Are you asexual looking for an asexual?

[Anonymous]

I never heard a discussion about defining men until I moved to the United States. Yes I'll admit in my country of origin the society is male dominant, so we don't hear enough how women feel.

Having said that the emphasis on classifying men into categories is wild in this country.

Lol I always saw myself as a man. But now apparently, there are further boxes that I can be put in according to my behavior, thoughts and who the heck know what else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

NP. Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes. I’m looking for a masculine guy too so I guess I have no chance of finding one that rejects porn.

Why would you want a man that rejects porn? Are you asexual looking for an asexual?

Some men link sex and intimacy. Porn is basically gynecology. Always totally lacking in intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

NP. Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes. I’m looking for a masculine guy too so I guess I have no chance of finding one that rejects porn.

PP. So like, while I'm not a fan of porn, I'm realistic. I understand most men have been exposed to and used it from a very young age, and that most men go through long periods of time when they're single and having very little sex, so it gets used.

A guy friend once explained it to me that while yes, there are men who are excessive users, for a lot, it's just that they're horny and want to get off quickly so they can go on with their day. It's not "omg I want *her*", it's just a stimulus to get the job done. That makes sense and sounds fair to me. I have dated men who used excessively, to the point of not wanting actual sex, which is not okay with me. Or I had a boyfriend who would obsessively stalk other women's social media - not even thirst traps, just regular women - which actually seemed worse to me than occasional porn use.

I don't know his porn habits, and we haven't talked about it much. I don't ask because I don't want to know. And he's religious, and I know he's struggled with feeling guilt around normal sexual urges, so I don't push it because I don't want to add to that. Just like I don't want him judging me for my sexuality.

Really the issue is - do I feel desirable? Does he make me feel sexy? Do we have a good sex life? Is he not doing anything creepy, like leering at much younger women? If so, I'm not gonna get hung up over occasional porn use.

Also, I did date a guy who was 100% against porn, and TBH, he wasn't great in bed. He was also a jerk in many ways. So of all the things I want in a man, "NEVER looks at porn" isn't high up on the list.

Oh, and one more thing - I actually was never into porn myself and it made me feel insecure, until I found some that was created for women. Especially, there was one male porn star who was incredible and did pretty much everything I ever wanted a man to do to me (things WAY beyond just money shots, like eye contact, talking, just his whole demeanor, like the woman was the only thing in the entire universe). After that, I sort of 'got it', and I often use his content to figure out what I want in bed. And I read smut sometimes, so I can't be too judgmental!

[Anonymous]

Especially, there was one male porn star who was incredible and did pretty much everything I ever wanted a man to do to me (things WAY beyond just money shots, like eye contact, talking, just his whole demeanor, like the woman was the only thing in the entire universe).

Well, give us a name!

[Anonymous]

Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes.

This just tells you that 95% of men (and certainly 95% of married men) aren’t getting the amount of sex they want from their wives/girlfriends. Men turn to porn because you’re denying them sex or making it a huge unfun hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

This perfectly describes toxic masculinity.

Could you explain what you mean? I've never understood exactly what toxic masculinity means, and your post is up-ending what I thought I knew. The part you put in bold seems like the perfect man that any woman would love to have as her boyfriend or husband. But the word "toxic" generally has a negative connotation, so I always assumed that a perfect example of toxic masculinity was something bad - like, a frat boy type who likes to chill with his buds, plays lacrosse at a school like Landon or Prep, and occasionally gets accused of date rape. Could you explain your understanding of the phrase and why the bolded excerpt describes it perfectly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

NP. Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes. I’m looking for a masculine guy too so I guess I have no chance of finding one that rejects porn.

It is at least 95% of men. And you are a really sheltered / naive person if you are just learning this for the first time.

Were you aware that for IVF + most fertility treatments, the man is required to, ahem “produce” a sample, and that p*rn is provided in every clinic room designed for collection-purposes? All men like it, and will use it for *that.* All of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the bedroom. Has this ever successfully worked in your relationship? I find men can be too passive, which isn’t attractive.

Women have tried their best to undermine men, and now you expect them to take charge?
Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

Let men be themselves in their daily lives, and they will naturally be dominant in the bedroom.
Masculinity has been so criticized that many men are afraid to show any signs of being dominant.

Because most men don’t actually display masculinity.

Mine is extremely masculine. He anticipates my every need and fulfills it beforehand, like if my car needs an oil change I don’t even have to ask, it’s handled. He grew up on a ranch and can do everything from shoeing a horse to handling firearms to fixing literally anything. He’s literally the only man I’ve ever met who I would 100% trust in an emergency. He still opens every door for me, pulls out my chair, takes me on dates, compliments how I look. He can run a 5 minute mile and knock out 20 pull-ups. He consults with me before making decisions and always makes the decision that benefits us, not just him. I’ve never seen him even glance at another woman and he treats all women with respect. And yes, he’s dominant in bed but also gentle and caring and checks to make sure I’m okay.

Too many boys are larping masculinity by just being loud, pushy, and obnoxious. I’ll be damned if some pudgy potato who can’t even change a flat tire and thinks “masculinity” is ranting in YouTube comments sections is going to try to boss me around in or out of the bedroom.

This perfectly describes toxic masculinity.

Could you explain what you mean? I've never understood exactly what toxic masculinity means, and your post is up-ending what I thought I knew. The part you put in bold seems like the perfect man that any woman would love to have as her boyfriend or husband. But the word "toxic" generally has a negative connotation, so I always assumed that a perfect example of toxic masculinity was something bad - like, a frat boy type who likes to chill with his buds, plays lacrosse at a school like Landon or Prep, and occasionally gets accused of date rape. Could you explain your understanding of the phrase and why the bolded excerpt describes it perfectly?

The PP with the bolding is wrong.

With that out of the way, toxic masculinity is:
Imposing your will because you're the man and bought into the idea that patriarchy confers privilege and that this is natural
Expecting a different set of rules than others, like... well, see pretty much the entire GOP. It's ok for Lindsay Graham, but when other gays do it, it's unnatural.
Having expectations of other people that don't take their wellbeing into account (like saying it's a woman's "duty" to provide sexual gratification whether or not she wants to)

Non-toxic masculinity is:
Helping because you can (you're taller, stronger, wealthier, whatever) not because there's something in it for you
Taking responsibility and initiative
Always looking out for the more vulnerable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Would you mind commenting honestly about his porn use? I’ve just realized that 95% of men seem to think it’s normal to do it at least sometimes.

This just tells you that 95% of men (and certainly 95% of married men) aren’t getting the amount of sex they want from their wives/girlfriends. Men turn to porn because you’re denying them sex or making it a huge unfun hassle.

Men may not be getting the amount they want, but women aren’t getting the kind they want. And if they get the kind they want, then they want it every day.