Feel backed into a corner with DH and like I’m about to break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's extremely hard to find a job right now, and it's about to get even harder, because all the feds that were looking in a desultory way after RIFs will now be desperate - paychecks are ending this week. Also there's the shutdown and threatened mass layoffs.

So you need to take a good hard look at this man. Does he had ADHD/autism, and is that why he's disorganized, distracted and can't stay focused on task? Can he look for jobs anywhere in the US, and move for that job, just so he has something?

Your kid. What exactly does he need? My (now adult) son was born with special needs and for many years we could not afford to outsource much. He received free therapies from the county as a toddler, then had free speech therapy in public school, with an IEP and accommodations for his ADHD and autism. We spent a little on private speech as well. I retaught everything at home, and I was his therapist, narrator and general mediator. We eventually medicated him for his severe ADHD, which helped. When he was older and we had more money, we hired tutors for his AP exams, ACT, etc. I was his executive function coach all his life, day in, day out, because he needed help mostly outside of business hours, and they were too expensive anyway. Which is to say... there is a lot you can do yourself! My son is now a functional-enough college student.

Its not hard to find a job. Its probably hard to find a job that pays similarly to the what he was making before. If he has time to do all of non job seeking things, he has time to take on an lower paying/hourly role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.

OP here. Thank you. You are the first person that has said they are concerned for my mental health. It’s very very hard. I feel like I’m in a truly dark place. The stress and tension is so intense it makes me physically ill. And he spent all day playing the good guy at an event for a family friend while I stayed home and got things done.

I am so beyond angry. I feel so used and am holding on just hoping some company will pick him him. He has an MBA and a lot of experience. I’m so unclear why every single one of our friends who was in the same boat with recent layoffs has found something at this point and DH hasn’t. Maybe it’s just a numbers game and DH hasn’t been applying and networking enough because he’s being rhetorical nice guy for everyone we know. Meanwhile I’m at the point where things are just…dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start spending tons of time “at work” so he has to take care of things at home.

The only thing that changes in that scenario is her child would be neglected by both parents instead of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets feel-good hits when he helps others. I know spouses like this and it’s so annoying for their partner, because everyone else thinks they’re “such a good guy.”

Who does the shopping, cleaning, bill paying, yard work, etc.? If he’s unemployed he should do much more of that. He’s treating his time off like a sabbatical and ignoring the pressure it puts on you. He needs to treat the job hunt like a full-time job. Networking, maybe get an extra certification or skill, keep applying and keep the gas on that pedal until he has something in hand. What field is he in?

He is likely stressed and depressed about his job situation. But he’s still got to do what needs to be done. You should quietly consult an attorney and figure out what separation/divorce would look like.

I’m sorry you’re in this boat. I know how lonely it can feel when you can’t discuss it with your friends.

Your first paragraph is my life. About ready to divorce, bit kniw everyone will not understand why I’m dumping such a “nice guy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.

OP here. Thank you. You are the first person that has said they are concerned for my mental health. It’s very very hard. I feel like I’m in a truly dark place. The stress and tension is so intense it makes me physically ill. And he spent all day playing the good guy at an event for a family friend while I stayed home and got things done.

I am so beyond angry. I feel so used and am holding on just hoping some company will pick him him. He has an MBA and a lot of experience. I’m so unclear why every single one of our friends who was in the same boat with recent layoffs has found something at this point and DH hasn’t. Maybe it’s just a numbers game and DH hasn’t been applying and networking enough because he’s being rhetorical nice guy for everyone we know. Meanwhile I’m at the point where things are just…dark.

Be cautious, OP. My DH carefully doubled down on his “good guy” credential building behavior 2-3 months before walking out on us. This was after years of withdrawing from friends and family and being awkward to rude to neighbors, acquaintances, etc. He’s now leveraging this misearned good guy reputation to make me look like a mean harpy during our divorce proceedings.

I’m fortunate to have a close circle of friends who saw the truth right away, and a larger, less close circle who were immediately skeptical of the tales he told. But the sting of how those other people perceive him and how they’ve assisted him during a very ugly divorce is real.

You should seek out therapy for you but prioritize it for the kids, first. They are watching all of this and affected by his indifference or pulling away in their own ways and more than you think. Should this turn legal (I hate to sound cynical but it’s true), having an established record with a therapist is very helpful for protecting your child’s best interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to write a list of chores and schedule and tell him he needs to do every one of them until he has a full time job with health benefits and at least whatever per year income.

Why can't he write the list of chores for himself? He needs to pick up the mental work on this. He is not a child whose mom needs to point out the things that need doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets feel-good hits when he helps others. I know spouses like this and it’s so annoying for their partner, because everyone else thinks they’re “such a good guy.”

Who does the shopping, cleaning, bill paying, yard work, etc.? If he’s unemployed he should do much more of that. He’s treating his time off like a sabbatical and ignoring the pressure it puts on you. He needs to treat the job hunt like a full-time job. Networking, maybe get an extra certification or skill, keep applying and keep the gas on that pedal until he has something in hand. What field is he in?

He is likely stressed and depressed about his job situation. But he’s still got to do what needs to be done. You should quietly consult an attorney and figure out what separation/divorce would look like.

I’m sorry you’re in this boat. I know how lonely it can feel when you can’t discuss it with your friends.

Yes to the bolded. Gold stars from everyone else but wont do the mundane day-to-day work to keep a household running. Needs constant validation and dopamine hits. Usually related to phone addiction too! Like my husband can have his phone completely put away for 4-5 hours while out with friends but the second he is home its out at every opportunity. I am not even nagging him anymore. I just function around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two separate issues here.

One is that he hasn’t found a new job. This is a very difficult task right now, and it does sound like he should be doing more, but even if he were, you might be in the same spot. For most mid career professionals stuck in one geographic location, an hour a week checking on new postings is actually enough, because you can’t “search” your way into more roles coming on the market.

The second issue is that he is treating this line a sabbatical, during which he should be recharging, doing self-care, and strengthening relationships with friends. But you see him as an accidental SAH partner/homemaker and he is falling far short of your expectations.

By conflating the two issues I think you’re increasing your frustration.

I disagree with this completely. Checking on new postings is only one part of a job search and a small one at that. He should be spending most of his time networking and going to meetings whose main purpose is to connect with someone in his industry and put himself on the radar screen. Many jobs are not advertised at all, and many consultancies grow out of conversations like these without ever hitting a public medium. Only checking published job ads is very limiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

I don’t believe you’re a woman because no woman would ignore the fact OP’s husband isn’t taking up the historical “women’s work” of the household.

+100. Traditional men’s role had the benefit of no housework/minimal childcare. OP is doing the job of 2 people right now.

It was clearly a man who wrote that comment about women now going through what men went through….he did’t even notice the housework/childcare.

Men should embrace more traditional female roles because it makes sense $$$wise. Walk into any healthcare related place and you will see very few men. More men should elect to be nurses etc because that's where the jobs are.

Men don’t need this, they can do the police or military with zero post high school education and receive excellent benefits.

Nursing and teaching are the similar paths for women however they require significant post high school training.

*before anyone comes at me, I am aware that all of these professions are open to both sexes. Men can feel free to be nurses and women can be soldiers if they want to.

There are tons of women in the military and on the police force as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

No way! I don't know any jobless women who just sit around. They typically will take over all yard duties, cooking, cleaning and kid stuff while they're home, similar to what SAHMs do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two separate issues here.

One is that he hasn’t found a new job. This is a very difficult task right now, and it does sound like he should be doing more, but even if he were, you might be in the same spot. For most mid career professionals stuck in one geographic location, an hour a week checking on new postings is actually enough, because you can’t “search” your way into more roles coming on the market.

The second issue is that he is treating this line a sabbatical, during which he should be recharging, doing self-care, and strengthening relationships with friends. But you see him as an accidental SAH partner/homemaker and he is falling far short of your expectations.

By conflating the two issues I think you’re increasing your frustration.

(New Poster)

Insightful post with which I agree.

Divorce/separation may exacerbate OP's issues/problems.

Husband needs to get a daily chore list & complete.

Husband needs to focus on his family & on employment & household chores, not doing favors for others. This is a maturity issue.

What type of career/profession for husband. Is he qualified to teach at high school or college level ?

Read the bold. Divorce is only going to make this work. He needs a job. THEN and only then can a divorce be considered. She can't afford two homes or to pay him spousal support and child support.

[Anonymous]

*worse. Divorce is only going to make this WORSE. typo above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

No way! I don't know any jobless women who just sit around. They typically will take over all yard duties, cooking, cleaning and kid stuff while they're home, similar to what SAHMs do.

My husband was laid off for months and he didn't cook but he took care of the kids (one a newborn) while I worked extra hours and he managed to paint our whole house and make a lot of repairs (old house) that we'd put off. If he spent his days working out and sitting around I would have left.

[Anonymous]

Can the family friend pay your DH for the work he’s doing for their businessIt almost sounds like they’re using him.Are they truly your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the family friend pay your DH for the work he’s doing for their businessIt almost sounds like they’re using him.Are they truly your friends?

This. Is your husband socially awkward? Is it possible he has executive function issues and can’t close the sale when job hunting?