Reply to Feel backed into a corner with DH and like I’m about to break

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories. [/quote]

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you. You are the first person that has said they are concerned for my mental health. It’s very very hard. I feel like I’m in a truly dark place. The stress and tension is so intense it makes me physically ill. And he spent all day playing the good guy at an event for a family friend while I stayed home and got things done.

I am so beyond angry. I feel so used and am holding on just hoping some company will pick him him. He has an MBA and a lot of experience. I’m so unclear why every single one of our friends who was in the same boat with recent layoffs has found something at this point and DH hasn’t. Maybe it’s just a numbers game and DH hasn’t been applying and networking enough because he’s being rhetorical nice guy for everyone we know. Meanwhile I’m at the point where things are just…dark. [/quote]

Be cautious, OP. My DH carefully doubled down on his “good guy” credential building behavior 2-3 months before walking out on us. This was after years of withdrawing from friends and family and being awkward to rude to neighbors, acquaintances, etc. He’s now leveraging this misearned good guy reputation to make me look like a mean harpy during our divorce proceedings.

I’m fortunate to have a close circle of friends who saw the truth right away, and a larger, less close circle who were immediately skeptical of the tales he told. But the sting of how those other people perceive him and how they’ve assisted him during a very ugly divorce is real.

You should seek out therapy for you but prioritize it for the kids, first. They are watching all of this and affected by his indifference or pulling away in their own ways and more than you think. Should this turn legal (I hate to sound cynical but it’s true),  having an established record with a therapist is very helpful for protecting your child’s best interests.[/quote]

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