Feel backed into a corner with DH and like I’m about to break

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

I don’t believe you’re a woman because no woman would ignore the fact OP’s husband isn’t taking up the historical “women’s work” of the household.

[Anonymous]

If you’re struggling to pay for your special needs child’s therapies while your husband is off playing superhero to everyone else then it’s time for a CTJ talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two separate issues here.

One is that he hasn’t found a new job. This is a very difficult task right now, and it does sound like he should be doing more, but even if he were, you might be in the same spot. For most mid career professionals stuck in one geographic location, an hour a week checking on new postings is actually enough, because you can’t “search” your way into more roles coming on the market.

The second issue is that he is treating this line a sabbatical, during which he should be recharging, doing self-care, and strengthening relationships with friends. But you see him as an accidental SAH partner/homemaker and he is falling far short of your expectations.

By conflating the two issues I think you’re increasing your frustration.

(New Poster)

Insightful post with which I agree.

Divorce/separation may exacerbate OP's issues/problems.

Husband needs to get a daily chore list & complete.

Husband needs to focus on his family & on employment & household chores, not doing favors for others. This is a maturity issue.

What type of career/profession for husband. Is he qualified to teach at high school or college level ?

[Anonymous]

Training for a marathon & helping others = avoidance techniques. Husband is avoiding responsibilities at home & to his family.

OP: Gently tell your husband, in person or via written note, the above. Give him a list of household chores to be done daily.

[Anonymous]

You both need to agree on a fact. Nobody can count on a good interview working out.

I just came in 2nd for a job that the hiring manager asked me to apply to!

You can't count on a job until you've been hired and you are past the probationary period and the economy is stable.

[Anonymous]

You need to give him a list of household chores AND contact a lawyer. If things keep going then you may need to pay him alimony.

I could never stay married to a man like that. Is he awesome in bed or something??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

I don’t believe you’re a woman because no woman would ignore the fact OP’s husband isn’t taking up the historical “women’s work” of the household.

+100. Traditional men’s role had the benefit of no housework/minimal childcare. OP is doing the job of 2 people right now.

It was clearly a man who wrote that comment about women now going through what men went through….he did’t even notice the housework/childcare.

[Anonymous]

FWIW OP, while you are at a breaking point, your husband has already been broken.

The good news is that exercise & favors for friends is not drugs, alcohol, gambling, or cheating with another. He is trying to improve himself in areas over which he has control. He is not strong enough to endure any more rejection. Many men are not as strong as women/mothers. Not an excuse, just an observation.

I have worked with many individuals who have to deal with severe handicaps--both physical and other types (criminal record,addictive behavior with bad habits, suffered abuse as a child,etc.). Gently mention to your husband his attributes and abilities and gently share that he has no limiting factors/circumstances as noted in this paragraph.

You need to get your husband to take a small step in the right direction; do not overwhelm him. He's injured & suffering in a different manner than you & your child are.

There is a Higher Power. If you belong to a church, try to meet with your pastor priest,rabbi,etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

Yeah, but the women were expected to take care of the home front. She’s doing both. Men were not.

[Anonymous]

Speak with an attorney. If a judge is reviewing the last two years of tax returns (or 24 months of paystubs) to show income level, you do not want to be several years down the road and owe him alimony. Right now it still looks on paper like he can earn income, despite recent hiccups.

He might spend two years failing to find a position, then waste some more time sinking money into a failed consulting business. All the while he is working on his nice marathon body so he can start an affair. He is already showing you he is not loyal to you. The tears are just guilting him. He does not feel you are worthy of love.

Keep spending money on the therapies for the SN child because that shows household expenses he should be paying in the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Am the op of the other similar thread. No advice just solidarity. When someone doesmt put their all into being part of the solution it feels like betrayal, totally. And you feel completely trapped. It’s awful. I’m sorry

[Anonymous]

I would start spending tons of time “at work” so he has to take care of things at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

Not quite. The difference is when men were providing for the whole family, they weren’t ALSO doing all the child and housework.