Feel backed into a corner with DH and like I’m about to break

[Anonymous]

I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

[Anonymous]

You need to issue and ultimatum. And see an attorney for yourself.

[Anonymous]

How do conversations about housework go?

[Anonymous]

It's extremely hard to find a job right now, and it's about to get even harder, because all the feds that were looking in a desultory way after RIFs will now be desperate - paychecks are ending this week. Also there's the shutdown and threatened mass layoffs.

So you need to take a good hard look at this man. Does he had ADHD/autism, and is that why he's disorganized, distracted and can't stay focused on task? Can he look for jobs anywhere in the US, and move for that job, just so he has something?

Your kid. What exactly does he need? My (now adult) son was born with special needs and for many years we could not afford to outsource much. He received free therapies from the county as a toddler, then had free speech therapy in public school, with an IEP and accommodations for his ADHD and autism. We spent a little on private speech as well. I retaught everything at home, and I was his therapist, narrator and general mediator. We eventually medicated him for his severe ADHD, which helped. When he was older and we had more money, we hired tutors for his AP exams, ACT, etc. I was his executive function coach all his life, day in, day out, because he needed help mostly outside of business hours, and they were too expensive anyway. Which is to say... there is a lot you can do yourself! My son is now a functional-enough college student.

[Anonymous]

13:46 again.

Tell your husband that if you're the main bread-winner, you expect him to take on more duties at home, and no, if you're at work, you're not available anywhere else. He's the household and childcare point person now. If he has his own mental health issues, he needs crystal clear communication from you as to what exactly you expect from him. It's fine if cleaning and cooking standards are drastically lowered. What matters is that you don't go into debt and you survive this period with your sanity intact.

[Anonymous]

What jobs is he applying for?

[Anonymous]

Get ready for divorce. Yes I would see an attorney to plan for it. Lower the boom as soon as he gets a job. Alternatively take the kid and go move some place you can get support from family. Let DH know he is welcome to join you.

[Anonymous]

Does he love you? Does he want to be in the marriage? Is he having a physical or emotional affair?

You basically have no marriage now. Talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

You need to write a list of chores and schedule and tell him he needs to do every one of them until he has a full time job with health benefits and at least whatever per year income.

[Anonymous]

There are two separate issues here.

One is that he hasn’t found a new job. This is a very difficult task right now, and it does sound like he should be doing more, but even if he were, you might be in the same spot. For most mid career professionals stuck in one geographic location, an hour a week checking on new postings is actually enough, because you can’t “search” your way into more roles coming on the market.

The second issue is that he is treating this line a sabbatical, during which he should be recharging, doing self-care, and strengthening relationships with friends. But you see him as an accidental SAH partner/homemaker and he is falling far short of your expectations.

By conflating the two issues I think you’re increasing your frustration.

[Anonymous]

He gets feel-good hits when he helps others. I know spouses like this and it’s so annoying for their partner, because everyone else thinks they’re “such a good guy.”

Who does the shopping, cleaning, bill paying, yard work, etc.? If he’s unemployed he should do much more of that. He’s treating his time off like a sabbatical and ignoring the pressure it puts on you. He needs to treat the job hunt like a full-time job. Networking, maybe get an extra certification or skill, keep applying and keep the gas on that pedal until he has something in hand. What field is he in?

He is likely stressed and depressed about his job situation. But he’s still got to do what needs to be done. You should quietly consult an attorney and figure out what separation/divorce would look like.

I’m sorry you’re in this boat. I know how lonely it can feel when you can’t discuss it with your friends.

[Anonymous]

The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two separate issues here.

One is that he hasn’t found a new job. This is a very difficult task right now, and it does sound like he should be doing more, but even if he were, you might be in the same spot. For most mid career professionals stuck in one geographic location, an hour a week checking on new postings is actually enough, because you can’t “search” your way into more roles coming on the market.

The second issue is that he is treating this line a sabbatical, during which he should be recharging, doing self-care, and strengthening relationships with friends. But you see him as an accidental SAH partner/homemaker and he is falling far short of your expectations.

By conflating the two issues I think you’re increasing your frustration.

If I lost my job and had a SN kid I would immediately get anything to bring some money in - TJ, Starbucks, whatever. And even if he was on a “sabbatical” he would need to do his share of chores. He is a lazy user and there is no coming back from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

Lol. Men have not been going through this because women take care of the kids and home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

And we call ourselves exceptional, rich, unique etc..
Then we have the audacity to expect younger people to get married and have kids. Young adults out there don't sign up for this BS.