Feel backed into a corner with DH and like I’m about to break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.

OP here. Thank you. You are the first person that has said they are concerned for my mental health. It’s very very hard. I feel like I’m in a truly dark place. The stress and tension is so intense it makes me physically ill. And he spent all day playing the good guy at an event for a family friend while I stayed home and got things done.

I am so beyond angry. I feel so used and am holding on just hoping some company will pick him him. He has an MBA and a lot of experience. I’m so unclear why every single one of our friends who was in the same boat with recent layoffs has found something at this point and DH hasn’t. Maybe it’s just a numbers game and DH hasn’t been applying and networking enough because he’s being rhetorical nice guy for everyone we know. Meanwhile I’m at the point where things are just…dark.

Op of the other similar thread

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night - often actually - id say 50% or nights - and I’m so angry at him I can’t sleep. I’m so angry with no action to take that I feel like a caged animal

[Anonymous]

"There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list."

I think you should post on the special needs board about this. Our child had suicidal ideation during covid and the waitlists for in network were so long that the therapist was able to appeal to his insurance and get insurance to accept her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you picked a loser and need to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Where is this buffon's family of origin from? This guy is a bad example for his culture. I am usually not sympathetic towards women who complain they do XYZ and their DH does nothing, but in this case it's clear that you have married a loser. And I am sorry. What stops him from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry? What stops him from driving for Uber? What stops him from working at tutoring center teaching basic math? Is this guy crippled and can't walk, talk and/or stand up. I am just confused how can an adult occupy this much space and be totally useless.

This sucks because if you divorce him you will end up paying him child support and alimony. And our court is now fair and they won't have sympathy for you..I am afraid you are stuck.

On a very serious note I am concerned about your mental health. And the thing is you probably don't even have any disposable income for therapy.

I am pro marriage and have been married for 20 years, but to be honest I am not sure it's a good idea for most people as your case shows. Unfortunately your story is not unique.

Stay strong for your child.

OP here. Thank you. You are the first person that has said they are concerned for my mental health. It’s very very hard. I feel like I’m in a truly dark place. The stress and tension is so intense it makes me physically ill. And he spent all day playing the good guy at an event for a family friend while I stayed home and got things done.

I am so beyond angry. I feel so used and am holding on just hoping some company will pick him him. He has an MBA and a lot of experience. I’m so unclear why every single one of our friends who was in the same boat with recent layoffs has found something at this point and DH hasn’t. Maybe it’s just a numbers game and DH hasn’t been applying and networking enough because he’s being rhetorical nice guy for everyone we know. Meanwhile I’m at the point where things are just…dark.

Op of the other similar thread

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night - often actually - id say 50% or nights - and I’m so angry at him I can’t sleep. I’m so angry with no action to take that I feel like a caged animal

OP here of this thread. Can you post your thread here? Not sure I’ve seen it.

Yes, I know the feeling you just described perfectly. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The job market is absolutely horrendous. There are more people than there are actual jobs.

it’s really interesting to see this sentiment become more and more common with women. I say this as a woman… but a lot of women are now experiencing the stress of having to provide for an entire family. Men have been going through this forever… now we know how men feel.

Lol. Men have not been going through this because women take care of the kids and home.

Exactly. I'm not sure what the big deal is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

I've encountered people who exploit situations for as long as possible—a husband who won't look for work despite knowing his wife's frustration, or an employee who's quietly quit but keeps collecting paychecks until fired. At some point, you have to stop allowing them to exploit you. Divorce, or maybe a post-nup that includes a complete division of marital assets plus a cost-sharing agreement that requires something like a 50/50 split, so the unemployed spouse is spending down their assets to live, not the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

I've encountered people who exploit situations for as long as possible—a husband who won't look for work despite knowing his wife's frustration, or an employee who's quietly quit but keeps collecting paychecks until fired. At some point, you have to stop allowing them to exploit you. Divorce, or maybe a post-nup that includes a complete division of marital assets plus a cost-sharing agreement that requires something like a 50/50 split, so the unemployed spouse is spending down their assets to live, not the marriage.

Can you share a little about what their situation looked like? How did the wife finally get to the end of her rope and insist on a change / action?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

I've encountered people who exploit situations for as long as possible—a husband who won't look for work despite knowing his wife's frustration, or an employee who's quietly quit but keeps collecting paychecks until fired. At some point, you have to stop allowing them to exploit you. Divorce, or maybe a post-nup that includes a complete division of marital assets plus a cost-sharing agreement that requires something like a 50/50 split, so the unemployed spouse is spending down their assets to live, not the marriage.

Can you share a little about what their situation looked like? How did the wife finally get to the end of her rope and insist on a change / action?

One friend found out he was cheating on her (and spending money to do it) while she was at work, and that was the breaking point. We took forever to terminate an employee who was clearly exploiting our generosity - we kept giving them warnings, and nothing got better, so it ended up costing more than it should have because of the months-long delay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

I've encountered people who exploit situations for as long as possible—a husband who won't look for work despite knowing his wife's frustration, or an employee who's quietly quit but keeps collecting paychecks until fired. At some point, you have to stop allowing them to exploit you. Divorce, or maybe a post-nup that includes a complete division of marital assets plus a cost-sharing agreement that requires something like a 50/50 split, so the unemployed spouse is spending down their assets to live, not the marriage.

Sorry, what idiot would sign a post nup like that? Dream on with your advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know where to being. I’ve posted before here in the last six months.

DH was laid off early spring. Since then everything has been beyond stressful and I feel like I’m about to crack. He has not put in a full faith effort into finding a new job and plays video games, socializes, exercises, and finds non-urgent ways to fill his day - none of which involve helping with housework, laundry, our pet, etc. 100% of that is on me.

He will get an interview somewhere maybe every month or so and completely stop applying elsewhere, thinking this is the one. The roles have gone to others or have been put on hold that he does the interview for, so then he finds himself back at square one.

Instead of applying he is filling his time running errands for the businesses of family friends, training for marathons and the like.

We have a child with special needs that we have had to cut all out of network services for because we can no longer afford them. We can afford the mortgage and to keep the lights on and buy essentials, but psychiatry, therapy, OT, all of that has been stopped. There is literally nothing in network that is remotely near our home or that doesn’t have a 12 month wait list.

I am killing myself trying to stay employed at a company that continues to do mass layoffs. He gets frustrated with me when I won’t drop a client phone call to do whatever he thinks I ought to be doing at home.

I didn’t sign up for this life. I understand that layoffs happen but I also expect both of us to be fully contributing members of the marriage and family. I can’t work full time, keep up the house full time, clean up after him full time so he can relax and focus on his interests whole spending literally just one hour a week some weeks looking for work. Especially when we have an SN child that needs two fully employed parents to provide the services he needs.

At this point I’m just checked out out the marriage and trying to keep a roof over our heads. He devotes his time to helping his friends and family of origin whenever they need it, but won’t devote one minute to our marriage or partnership. No coffees together, no birthday or mother day flowers or meal. Nothing. But he’s the first to send lovely gifts and plan meals for everyone else around him.

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this. Our friend circle is deeply intertwined and I’d be embarrassed to share with my girlfriends. But I can’t keep going like this for another six months hoping he will see the urgency in our situation. I’ve tried to be encouraging and give him space. I’ve tried talking to him. Eventually I break down in tears from the exasperation, he sees that I’m deeply struggling, and then starts applying again. But that only lasts two or three days and then it’s back to the way it was.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to speak to an attorney or when I know that needs to happen. I don’t want to break up my family. But I can’t run myself into the ground while he relaxes and puts all of the responsibility on me. Please help with any advice or BTDT stories.

Np. I’m in a similar situation. Dh not working, not trying all that hard, and also not stepping up as much as he should around the house. Sending you a hug. I don’t think divorce is the answer but I do dream of ways to pay my dh back for his current sucky behavior.

I've encountered people who exploit situations for as long as possible—a husband who won't look for work despite knowing his wife's frustration, or an employee who's quietly quit but keeps collecting paychecks until fired. At some point, you have to stop allowing them to exploit you. Divorce, or maybe a post-nup that includes a complete division of marital assets plus a cost-sharing agreement that requires something like a 50/50 split, so the unemployed spouse is spending down their assets to live, not the marriage.

Sorry, what idiot would sign a post nup like that? Dream on with your advice

Right. Free riders generally don't voluntarily cut off their gravy train. Unless they're a stay-at-home parent by mutual agreement, providing real value to the marriage, or they have sufficient wealth for both to retire but OP works by choice rather than necessity, then not working, spending at the same level, and not seeking a job signals that they are pretty comfortable exploiting OP indefinitely. The ball is in OP's court.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is his incentive to change? He will keep treating you this way as long as you let him.

Think creatively about things you can do.

It’s not clear from the post that you’ve pushed him enough and highlighted the desperate situation and what you need. Can you do this calmly and firmly, with specific requests, and lay out the inequality in the current situation?

Can you move out with the kid? Or at least banish him to the basement?

Stop cooking for him.

Most importantly: Start asking for help. In your network. In his network. Without blaming him, make yourself sympathetic, help people see what’s going on. “Hey, can you watch DS for a couple hours on Saturday? I am so behind after all the cooking and cleaning last week after work, I need to run some errands”

“Hey, I’m close to a breakdown here, would you mind helping me with a few meals this week.”

“Hey, DS is really struggling with his OT cut off. Could we borrow some money to pay for a few sessions?”

Ultimately this is a divorce situation but for now you have fight to back to survive. Only you decide to be a martyr, so stop.

[Anonymous]

Reading your post made me sad OP - - primarily because there is a SN child involved who is being very negatively affected by his Father.

It isn’t fair that your husband is not making a strong effort to provide what your son needs.
It is also unfair that you are saddled with all the household duties while he is simply enjoying his life while you are working everyday to support him.

He needs to step up now.
Because in all honesty > he isn’t bringing anything but added stress ➕ grief into your marriage.
Since that is the case, then you will be much much better off w/him out of your life right now if he doesn’t change his ways.

I understand that you do not want to break up your family unit, but at what financial/emotional cost are you willing to pay to keep it intact??

I wish you only the best.
Hopefully your husband gets serious about looking for a job and being the husband + father you and your son deserve.