Busy body friend who gives aggressive advice? How to handle?

[Anonymous]

"You will have to stop giving advice when it's not asked for, or I find it hard to continue this friendship."

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

THIS. If you find that people are constantly giving you advice, maybe stop complaining and see what advice they give you then. If it's none, well, there's the source of your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a spine or drop the friend.

I guess my post wasn’t clear. I’m not asking for advice on what to say to her. I’m trying to understand why she might be like this so I can view her behavior more favorably or at least not negatively.

She may be the type who overthinks and needs a nudge and thinks everyone does.

If your mom acted this way it’s hard not to do it even if you want to. I struggle not to be my mom. It shows how important actions are versus words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

None of OPs examples indicate she is venting about one topic again and again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

If a friend is complaining too much, especially about the same issues over and over, I will let them know I've reached my max on issue and that while I support them in finding a solution, I can't serve as sounding board on it any more.

IME, people who give unsolicited advice and are very pushy about it (OP describes very aggressive advice-giving and a friend who *demands* OP follow her advice and report back with updates on whether she has taken the steps OP has been ordered to take) are hammers in search of a nail -- they will view any comment or disclosure as the presentation of a problem for them to solve. So it's not about complaining "too much." You might not even be complaining at all. You might be making an offhanded observation or just letting your friend know why you were late or why took longer to text back than she expected, but they will seize it as an opportunity to tell you how to change your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good friend like this. He genuinely believes he is “helping” me and has good intentions.

I love to drink coffee. He sends me links describing all the negative consequences of coffee. I tell him I’m going buying new tennis court shoes. He asks my specific size and then buys them because he knows how to get the best deal. He thinks he knows health secrets that no one else knows (from watching YouTube videos) and is frequently trying to “fix” me.

It’s caused a lot of fights between us because i am a very independent person and don’t like the way he pushes his view of things onto me.

I am much more guarded now on what I say to him now. He doesn’t realize how he comes off, given that he’s “trying to help”.

Your friend sounds similar to mine.

Reviving this thread because I’m still frustrated with this friend and had a few incidents recently with her where I was left really annoyed. And although I don’t like doing this, I think it might be time to fade her. I’ve never really done that with a friend.

First, she seems to get easily hurt when I don’t respond to her right away or call her back. My schedule is busy and ‘catch up’ phone calls with her are usually an hour, 30 Mn if I cut her off. So if I’m busy, tired, etc I’ll just text back and say ‘sorry, Larla, I’m tied up on a work deadline, I’ll check in when I can, hope all is well’. This has miffed her as she later seems to respond with passive aggressive commentary. Ex, I saw her in person and she remarked that ‘everyone abandons me!’ ‘Why is everyone too ‘busy’ for me?’ Or even ruder ‘you work too much!’ (As if I choose to). But when social things are raised for her to get involved in, she often rejects them. Ex, I’m happy to host her and a mutual friend for dinner but I know my home is inconvenient for the other friend. I’ve suggested she host and I’ll come over and help, and she declines because she has expensive furniture and art and she doesn’t want it to get damaged. WEIRD but ok.

So her latest thing is to reach out to me about something political or advocacy related, and then suggest *I* not *her* take some action. ‘You should start a petition about XYZ!’ on some topic that is important to her, not something I was necessarily thinking about. Then she gets passive aggressive and moralistic with me if I don’t take the bait. ‘That’s such an important issue, it’s unfortunate that no one is stepping up to XYZ. We all have to do our part or nothing will get done!’ It’s bizarre, and I think stems partially from the fact she is unusually paranoid about putting herself out there. Ex, she wanted to rent her house but pulled out bc the agent wanted to put photos of her place online, and that freaked her out. Not sure what to do with that one…

But recently she’s sent me political posts and when I haven’t totally agreed with her- fine, we don’t need to agree- she insists on flooding me with links and arguments. So I tried to change the subject and she signed off. And then the next day, she started texting me more links on the original topic, trying to point out how wrong I was. I asserted my position again instead of agreeing with her, and she sort of implied I was dumb/misinformed and must be getting my news from ‘salacious’ news sources. I challenged that, and then she retreated to this passive aggressive victim stance thing that she often does ‘well I have my opinions here, so I’m going to sign off to preserve my energy’. WTF. You pick a fight and then act like you’re the victim??

I realized I kinda can’t stand this woman most of the time, but I feel bad (and I’m peri right now, and know I feel irritated a lot lately). She always talks about how she’s lonely and I think she thinks she’s a kind person.

Wwyd? Say something? Slow fade once and for all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

THIS. If you find that people are constantly giving you advice, maybe stop complaining and see what advice they give you then. If it's none, well, there's the source of your problem.

Yes! I have a friend who questions and doubts EVERYTHING in her life

Her hair
Her job
Her kids
Her marriage
Her car color

It’s sooooooo exhausting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend who is otherwise kind and thoughtful can be very aggressive about giving advice. It makes me angry at times, but she’s a kind person overall and I want to try to understand it which I think might help me feel less annoyed. KWIM?

Examples. That med you’re taking is causing this side effect (even though doctor says it isn’t). You need to stop taking it asap.

You need to sue your contractor. Here’s a lawyer name. Did you call him? Why not?

You have been sick. You need to file for a disability accommodation at work. Why haven’t you done it yet?

She’s very smart and means well, but definitely struggles with relationships

If this is about me, stop telling me about your problems. I don’t understand why people have these problems and don’t do the little things to fix the problems.

Also the point of telling me that you have a problem is because you know I will have a solution not necessarily those you listed but whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Did I ask for your advice?" - the quick way to get this to stop
"I'll take that into consideration" - the passive aggressive route
"Ah, thank you for your infinite wisdom on this subject!" - the sarcastic reply

I mean, you could always start with just talking to your "friend" and letting them know that you'd appreciate it if they'd keep their advice to themselves until/unless you ask, but since you managed to write your little rant on the internet, hopefully you're smart enough to know that already...

Um….yes you did. Why are you wasting my time with story time then? What are the reasons why you are telling me this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a time, I had a strong tendency to attract people like this into my life.

I think the reason they are like this is they have control issues that stem from insecurity or anxiety. They seek to control everyone around them because they believe if everyone and everything just functioned according to their directives, there would be no more problems or surprises in life.

I also think there is a usually a touch (or more) of narcissism in these personalities, because of their inability to see that their advice is not welcome or realize that they might not have enough information or context to decide what is best for other people. Someone who has more empathy and a sense of humility would understand when to back off, and would be able to handle the idea that maybe they don't actually know what's best. But people like this will persist even when presented with clear evidence that their advice is not helpful or on point.

I also think people with this personality type tend to seek out people they view to be "coachable" because it helps them satisfy their need for control. They don't do this to people who are very assertive and confident. They seek out people who seem unsure of themselves or who appear willing to be controlled. I think this is why I have a tendency to attract this type. I was abused growing up and my mother is like this, and I think people with similar personalities kind of smell it on me. I also think I tend to be instantly accommodating of people like this when I encounter them, because as a child I learned that resisting or argument could lead to verbal or physical abuse.

I have found the best way to deal with people like this is to keep them at arms length and not let them into my inner circle. Sometimes you can't avoid them completely. I have worked with people like this and you can't always just leave a job. Right now I am dealing with a personality like this in the mother of one of my kid's good school friends. I don't want to make an enemy of her so I have to play along to some degree, but I keep her at a distance -- I encourage the kid's friendship but resist getting too close to the mom. It takes work but it's what I have to do to avoid the meddling and controlling behavior.

Ahhh if only

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a time, I had a strong tendency to attract people like this into my life.

I think the reason they are like this is they have control issues that stem from insecurity or anxiety. They seek to control everyone around them because they believe if everyone and everything just functioned according to their directives, there would be no more problems or surprises in life.

I also think there is a usually a touch (or more) of narcissism in these personalities, because of their inability to see that their advice is not welcome or realize that they might not have enough information or context to decide what is best for other people. Someone who has more empathy and a sense of humility would understand when to back off, and would be able to handle the idea that maybe they don't actually know what's best. But people like this will persist even when presented with clear evidence that their advice is not helpful or on point.

I also think people with this personality type tend to seek out people they view to be "coachable" because it helps them satisfy their need for control. They don't do this to people who are very assertive and confident. They seek out people who seem unsure of themselves or who appear willing to be controlled. I think this is why I have a tendency to attract this type. I was abused growing up and my mother is like this, and I think people with similar personalities kind of smell it on me. I also think I tend to be instantly accommodating of people like this when I encounter them, because as a child I learned that resisting or argument could lead to verbal or physical abuse.

I have found the best way to deal with people like this is to keep them at arms length and not let them into my inner circle. Sometimes you can't avoid them completely. I have worked with people like this and you can't always just leave a job. Right now I am dealing with a personality like this in the mother of one of my kid's good school friends. I don't want to make an enemy of her so I have to play along to some degree, but I keep her at a distance -- I encourage the kid's friendship but resist getting too close to the mom. It takes work but it's what I have to do to avoid the meddling and controlling behavior.

Whole lotta words/judgments about others to avoid just saying "Hey, please don't give me advice unless I ask"

OP specifically asked for insight into why her friend may behave this way. I have a lot of experience with people like this and have thought a lot about this dynamic, so I shared that insight.

And when I have known people like this, saying "hey, please don't give me advice unless I ask" has resulted in them getting upset, arguing with me about it, or becoming nasty towards me. So I have not found that directly telling someone with this personality to stop is particularly useful.

Because that’s combative phrasing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is constantly complaining about her life and husband. Occasionally venting to a friend is one thing but a one trick pony always complaining is a different beast.

It gets old so I remind her that she doesn’t have to be the helpless damsel. If she doesn’t like my response after hearing her complain for the hundredth time, she can change her life or stop complaining. Some of us actually put in the work to solve our problems so the perpetual victimhood gets old real quick.

THIS. If you find that people are constantly giving you advice, maybe stop complaining and see what advice they give you then. If it's none, well, there's the source of your problem.

Yes! I have a friend who questions and doubts EVERYTHING in her life

Her hair
Her job
Her kids
Her marriage
Her car color

It’s sooooooo exhausting

Can you express what exactly is exhausting about someone having doubts about their own choices? I don't understand how it would impact you unless he was directly asking you for advice.

I have noticed that some people kind of demand that people have total confidence in everything all the time. Like if I say about my hair "yeah, I've been growing it out but I'm getting sick of it -- I might chop it back off in the spring," this is too wishy-washy for them. They only want to be around someone who is like "this is the BEST haircut for me, and I have the BEST stylist, I'm so happy with my hair." Same with kids or job. Hearing me say "yes, this job has been a really good work life balance for me these last few years, but I think I'm looking for more of a challenge -- I'm not sure right now whether I want to stay or look for something new" is stressful to them because they only want to hear about satisfaction and success. Like I either need to love my current job or I need to be confidently discussing my plan for getting a new one. There can be no gray area.

That's just not how I live my life. I think there's lots of gray area. I don't feel the need to be 100% certain of anything and I'm very comfortable with the fact that I'm not. Nothing is ever perfect. I take my time with decisions and am okay with inaction even when it's uncomfortable at times -- I think there is a lot to learn in discomfort and questioning.

So perhaps you are just not compatible with people like me. Instead of viewing my way of living as wrong and "exhausting" for you, you could simply choose not to maintain friendships with people whose approach to life annoys you so much. Unless your friend is actively pushing you to help her solve the issues she has with different areas of her life, there's no reason this should even implicate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend who is otherwise kind and thoughtful can be very aggressive about giving advice. It makes me angry at times, but she’s a kind person overall and I want to try to understand it which I think might help me feel less annoyed. KWIM?

Examples. That med you’re taking is causing this side effect (even though doctor says it isn’t). You need to stop taking it asap.

You need to sue your contractor. Here’s a lawyer name. Did you call him? Why not?

You have been sick. You need to file for a disability accommodation at work. Why haven’t you done it yet?

She’s very smart and means well, but definitely struggles with relationships

If this is about me, stop telling me about your problems. I don’t understand why people have these problems and don’t do the little things to fix the problems.

Also the point of telling me that you have a problem is because you know I will have a solution not necessarily those you listed but whatever

Not the PP but just pointing out that for many people, the bolded isn't true at all. It almost NEVER occurs to me when I share a problem with a friend that my friend will have a solution. I share problems with friends as a way of letting them know what's going on in my life. Sometimes I might be looking for comfort or commiseration, it depends. But I am almost never looking for solutions.

I think this is the problem -- you think people are coming to you to solve their problems, and feel put out by it. But they probably aren't, they are just sharing info about their lives because that's something friends do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a time, I had a strong tendency to attract people like this into my life.

I think the reason they are like this is they have control issues that stem from insecurity or anxiety. They seek to control everyone around them because they believe if everyone and everything just functioned according to their directives, there would be no more problems or surprises in life.

I also think there is a usually a touch (or more) of narcissism in these personalities, because of their inability to see that their advice is not welcome or realize that they might not have enough information or context to decide what is best for other people. Someone who has more empathy and a sense of humility would understand when to back off, and would be able to handle the idea that maybe they don't actually know what's best. But people like this will persist even when presented with clear evidence that their advice is not helpful or on point.

I also think people with this personality type tend to seek out people they view to be "coachable" because it helps them satisfy their need for control. They don't do this to people who are very assertive and confident. They seek out people who seem unsure of themselves or who appear willing to be controlled. I think this is why I have a tendency to attract this type. I was abused growing up and my mother is like this, and I think people with similar personalities kind of smell it on me. I also think I tend to be instantly accommodating of people like this when I encounter them, because as a child I learned that resisting or argument could lead to verbal or physical abuse.

I have found the best way to deal with people like this is to keep them at arms length and not let them into my inner circle. Sometimes you can't avoid them completely. I have worked with people like this and you can't always just leave a job. Right now I am dealing with a personality like this in the mother of one of my kid's good school friends. I don't want to make an enemy of her so I have to play along to some degree, but I keep her at a distance -- I encourage the kid's friendship but resist getting too close to the mom. It takes work but it's what I have to do to avoid the meddling and controlling behavior.

Whole lotta words/judgments about others to avoid just saying "Hey, please don't give me advice unless I ask"

OP specifically asked for insight into why her friend may behave this way. I have a lot of experience with people like this and have thought a lot about this dynamic, so I shared that insight.

And when I have known people like this, saying "hey, please don't give me advice unless I ask" has resulted in them getting upset, arguing with me about it, or becoming nasty towards me. So I have not found that directly telling someone with this personality to stop is particularly useful.

Because that’s combative phrasing

Why is "he please don't give me advice unless I ask" combative? It sounds direct but not aggressive to me.

I also just think that should be the default in life (don't give people advice unless they specifically request it) so that is probably why it doesn't seem combative to me. If someone said that to me I'd be like "oh, thank you for reminding me that, sorry if I overstepped." I don't consider it my right to go around telling other people how to live their lives.