Busy body friend who gives aggressive advice? How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband can get like hyperfocused like this on other people's problems and has trouble understanding when to back off. He has an ASD/ADHD profile and a stubborn personality. Our son also has an ASD/ADHD profile but he's sweet and gentle, and would never insert himself in this way. So I think it's a combo of neurodivergence (not being able to read social cues) and being stubborn.

I think this might be it here. Some slight neuro divergence. And stubborn! As I mentioned, she struggles with relationships.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a loving friend who has rough social skills. I think it's great you're trying to understand her but I think you already do understand enough to excuse her delivery of the messages and just focus on her intent to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband can get like hyperfocused like this on other people's problems and has trouble understanding when to back off. He has an ASD/ADHD profile and a stubborn personality. Our son also has an ASD/ADHD profile but he's sweet and gentle, and would never insert himself in this way. So I think it's a combo of neurodivergence (not being able to read social cues) and being stubborn.

Me again. The only thing you can do is be direct, because if your friend isn't great at reading body language and diplomatic beating around the bush, she will never understand until you say: "No, I've decided to do it my way instead."

I think the expression is "Clear is kind"

Exactly. Clear is kind:
“Sally, please stop. I can handle this, and I’m not discussing it anymore.”

That's crossing out of kindness. You can be clear without being rude.

DP.
Can you explain how that is rude? I truly don’t understand. That language is grown-up and direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband can get like hyperfocused like this on other people's problems and has trouble understanding when to back off. He has an ASD/ADHD profile and a stubborn personality. Our son also has an ASD/ADHD profile but he's sweet and gentle, and would never insert himself in this way. So I think it's a combo of neurodivergence (not being able to read social cues) and being stubborn.

Me again. The only thing you can do is be direct, because if your friend isn't great at reading body language and diplomatic beating around the bush, she will never understand until you say: "No, I've decided to do it my way instead."

I think the expression is "Clear is kind"

Exactly. Clear is kind:
“Sally, please stop. I can handle this, and I’m not discussing it anymore.”

That's crossing out of kindness. You can be clear without being rude.

+1 The "Sally, please stop" example given is classic DCUM harsh. You can be clear without scolding.

OP, think of this friend's advice as their love language. They are trying to help, and feel useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like someone you just need to stop telling things to, to be honest.

This. Don’t feed the aggressive advice beast with details. Keep it light and consider distancing if need be. My mom is like this and it’s her primary way of relating, so she resists boundaries, making them all the more important.

[Anonymous]

She probably wants to help you out and thinks there is only one way for you to approach a problem. Often when we talk about problems we just want to vent. We aren't asking for solutions. I know I've had to learn to just listen to my kids and not suggest solutions- she may think she is being helpful in solving a problem you can figure out how to handle on your own. Maybe just tell her you are venting to her and want her to say that must be hard and then move onto another conversation topic.

[Anonymous]

My oldest sister is like this. To the point where she has almost completely turned off a couple of other siblings. I've gotten to where I don't tell her travel plans, health information, or mention some possible purchase like a new iPhone. She'll flood my inbox with links. And then she takes things another step further by providing what she considers "helpful" advice. I oncentold her about an upcoming trip to NYC to see plays with a friend and mentioned what we had tickets to which she responded "That's too many plays - you won't have time for anything else."

I otherwise love her and think she is fairly informed on things, but she doesn't have the answers to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like someone you just need to stop telling things to, to be honest.

This.

[Anonymous]

Just stop sharing your problems with her. She should just know that your life is awesome, all the time.

[Anonymous]

You need to grow a spine or drop the friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a spine or drop the friend.

I guess my post wasn’t clear. I’m not asking for advice on what to say to her. I’m trying to understand why she might be like this so I can view her behavior more favorably or at least not negatively.

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend like this. He genuinely believes he is “helping” me and has good intentions.

I love to drink coffee. He sends me links describing all the negative consequences of coffee. I tell him I’m going buying new tennis court shoes. He asks my specific size and then buys them because he knows how to get the best deal. He thinks he knows health secrets that no one else knows (from watching YouTube videos) and is frequently trying to “fix” me.

It’s caused a lot of fights between us because i am a very independent person and don’t like the way he pushes his view of things onto me.

I am much more guarded now on what I say to him now. He doesn’t realize how he comes off, given that he’s “trying to help”.

Your friend sounds similar to mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband can get like hyperfocused like this on other people's problems and has trouble understanding when to back off. He has an ASD/ADHD profile and a stubborn personality. Our son also has an ASD/ADHD profile but he's sweet and gentle, and would never insert himself in this way. So I think it's a combo of neurodivergence (not being able to read social cues) and being stubborn.

How do so many women on this forum end up with ASD/ADHD men??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a spine or drop the friend.

I guess my post wasn’t clear. I’m not asking for advice on what to say to her. I’m trying to understand why she might be like this so I can view her behavior more favorably or at least not negatively.

She may be the type who overthinks and needs a nudge and thinks everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a spine or drop the friend.

I guess my post wasn’t clear. I’m not asking for advice on what to say to her. I’m trying to understand why she might be like this so I can view her behavior more favorably or at least not negatively.

Or, you could just choose to do that and do it, instead of asking internet strangers to diagnonsense your "Friend" (and then reporting posts when you don't like what they say).