Boyfriend is celibate until marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there other things you can do without PIV or is all that off the table? Intimacy and pleasure can be had/felt without sex.

Nothing besides kissing. He has found Christ as he says and decided sex is off the table. He doesn’t want to rush marriage because he doesn’t believe in divorce. He wants to make sure he is 100% compatible with whomever he marries.

If that's okay with you, then stay together and see where it goes. If not, you're incompatible and should break up.

These are the only two decent approaches here. You can't seduce him out of his beliefs or force him into something he's clearly said "no" to. If you can't be an adult and respect what he's telling you, you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

This makes no sense.

And the reason is not religious or respect- based, but because he previously was a sex addict and/or porn addict and wants to avoid going on a bender again.

Yikes and yikes and yikes.

Bro, this isn't "yikes". It's not for you, and it doesn't sound like it's for OP either, but it's not "yikes" to have limits and clearly express them.

Lotta rape culture evident on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

What are you, an investigative journalist? None of this matters to this thread. He has been clear about his limits. Whether you understand them or the reasons behind them, they are what they are. Respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is gay and just scared to admit it?

He is not gay. He said he used sex a lot as an escape and decided he would celibate until marriage.

wtf OP troll.

What was he escaping from?

How much sex was he previously having, and with whom?

When did this celibacy thing start?

I’m not a troll.

To answer your questions

He said he used sex an escape. When he was happy, bored, or stressed. He slept with a lot of random women. Lots of one night stands and casual sex. He’s cheated. He even slept with married women in the past. He said his body count is 100+. He just did it because it was there.

He had a std scare and that whipped him into shape. Then a family loss. He decided he didn’t want to live his life like that. He decided he wanted to wait for marriage because he made a choice to reserve sex the way god intended. He wants to be in love and do it the right away.

Well that seems to be believable.
Also 100 is not that many for a man. Real sex addicts are often way over that and of course riddled with std's.

[Anonymous]

This has so many red flags.

Best case he’s a sex addict, religious nut, black and white thinker.

Worst case he’s gay. I’d guess gay. I bet he used to drink a lot before he had sex because his religious background made him ashamed of being gay. That tracks with his whole using sex as escaping thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has so many red flags.

Best case he’s a sex addict, religious nut, black and white thinker.

Worst case he’s gay. I’d guess gay. I bet he used to drink a lot before he had sex because his religious background made him ashamed of being gay. That tracks with his whole using sex as escaping thing.

He isn’t gay. He only started drinking when he lost a family member. They were very close and he took it hard. He would barely drink before that.

I don’t think he is a sex addict. I think he was a typical guy who had more access to sex than the average guy and went with it.

[Anonymous]

This is giving me former sex addict who’s afraid to fall off the wagon. Worst case scenario is you stay with him, get married, and he still doesn’t want to have sex because he’s still afraid that any sex at all will put him in a downward spiral.

Don’t listen to the PPs who are saying you have a problem if you don’t want to go along with this. It’s him, not you. Nothing past kissing is not OK after eight months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Agree with some PPs - this sounds like a sex addict. If he’s also turned to drinking, he seems to have an addictive personality which can be hard to navigate. I’ve dated some very hot men including a model and sex was very accessible to them but they didn’t cheat and sleep with married women regardless of their religion. I’d be cautious about his past and him repeating it in the future - serial cheaters rarely stop. And if he is a sex addict but hasn’t acknowledged that he is one, he’s unlikely to follow the appropriate steps to get better. There are so many red flags, I’d probably move on.

[Anonymous]

The concerns about addiction and a history of compulsive or impulsive sexual behavior are valid. And sure, he has every right to set boundaries. But it's a sharp all or nothing type contrast and avoidance alone doesn’t necessarily mean he’s addressing the root of his past behavior. It might be more like trying to put a band-aid on a fire hydrant and hoping for the best.

[Anonymous]

It's a lie. If you marry him you'll have a sexless marriage and be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Is third base OK?

I wasn’t a wait until marriage type, but as it happened, the first girl I went all the way with was the one I married.

Still good after more than a decade.

No sex at all. We haven’t even seen each other naked. He doesn’t want any kind of sex. Only kissing. Not even touching.

RunLikeHell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is giving me former sex addict who’s afraid to fall off the wagon. Worst case scenario is you stay with him, get married, and he still doesn’t want to have sex because he’s still afraid that any sex at all will put him in a downward spiral.

Don’t listen to the PPs who are saying you have a problem if you don’t want to go along with this. It’s him, not you. Nothing past kissing is not OK after eight months.

Nobody "has a problem" unless OP stays in a relationship she's clearly not happy with, hoping to change her partner (instead of herself/her circumstances). Regardless of what it's "giving", these two (likely fictional) characters are incompatible. The one with the problem with that, OP, is the one who needs to take responsibility for removing themselves from the relationship (respectfully) and looking elsewhere.

Lay off the blame and just deal with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concerns about addiction and a history of compulsive or impulsive sexual behavior are valid. And sure, he has every right to set boundaries. But it's a sharp all or nothing type contrast and avoidance alone doesn’t necessarily mean he’s addressing the root of his past behavior. It might be more like trying to put a band-aid on a fire hydrant and hoping for the best.

In terms of addiction, this tracks. There's "dry drunk" (aka white-knuckling through not drinking, sometimes for years), and there's "in recovery" or sober, where someone has unpacked their addiction, built support structures to prevent relapse, taken responsibility for their past decisions/behavior, etc.

A sex/love/porn addict who is simply not engaging in those behaviors may not have actually addressed why they engaged them in the first place. That may be the root of his fear of intimacy, especially if he hasn't developed other coping skills to replace his possible addiction. There are groups for this: https://slaafws.org/ and https://slaavirtual.org/characteristics/ and probably others. Depending on the level of discussion y'all are having about this situation, you might want to bring them up: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-l...whats-the-difference

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of ex-Mormon friends and your post reminds me of what my ex-LDS friends have concluded about why Mormons marry so early: it's sex. It's so they can have sex.

There's something wrong with this guy if he is pushing to wait 2-3 years. Normal men who are waiting until marriage try to make marriage happen fast.