I'm so tired of the adult female friendship dance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?
My high school friends are scattered and a few have splintered off with time, which is normal, I suppose. Ditto college. We mainly communicate via memes or some text threads.
The adult friends I made in my 20s all are now busy with families, me included; seems there's never a great time to meet up, and some have moved.
I love my neighborhood and have cultivated some solid friendships there, originally through my kids, but the guesswork sucks. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or needy, so I limit invites or texts. I thought I clicked with one person -- but several hangouts later, they basically ghosted and stopped reciprocating, our text thread went dormant, and...poof.
Anyone else in this boat? I just feel low-level stressed and somewhat lonely as a middle-aged mom.

It gets worse once your kids leave school.

NP here. I hadn't thought of this.

I’ve found it to be far easier now that my kids are in high school.

Many of the moms I’d long known in a fairly basic / intermittent way when our kids were young have become true friends these past few years. Deeper, more real conversations, for sure.

It’s because we have more time to spend together now that we’re not being interrupted by our kids, and especially once our oldest started driving. (My mom friends with much younger kids are still much harder to connect with. But there are a couple I suspect will be true friends once they have more time.)

Hang in there. It’s truly hard to meet our social need for friendship and adult connection when our kids are young. They require a lot of care, attention, and mind space. Know that you’re far from alone in craving more friendship - it can be a strangely lonely time of life, but thankfully, it’s not forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t you a member of a country club?

DP.

Honestly this doesn't have anything to do with it. I've been a member of my club for 12 years and I chat with some ladies before and after yoga, at the swim team, etc, but I've literally never had then over or vice versa unless I knew them from one of the kids' schools as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've sometimes thought about sending out a blast email (or maybe even an Evite where you can't see respondents) and setting up a happy hour, a brunch, a dinner, and letting whoever wants to join just join. But then I worry I'd be the only person there.

Absolutely try it! You may get a huge response, you may get a small response. Either way, you’re going to spend some time connecting with people.

And if no one shows up … know it’s only because their kids are needy and demanding and exhausting (as kids tend to be) and they likely feel worse about missing it than you do about them not being there. (Seriously, I’m so disappointed when I’m looking forward to something like that and then bail because things when sideways at home or I’m spiraling in an awful mood because of same …. )

Truly, I think it’s a wonderful idea! Try it once and see what happens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I have a small handful of women I feel true friendship with, but I can only handle one-on-one togethers and it’s usually something active like a long walk or a run.

I don’t do group meetups anymore. The dynamics are too complex in multiple ways. For me, social media plus Covid years plus late 40s general malaise has killed my desire to go out in public with a group of women. Even ones I actually like. .

Same. I’m finally open and straightforward about it, which has helped a lot!! I just say “I'm more into hanging out one-on-one these days … groups just feel overwhelming to me lately.”

People totally seem to get it and appreciate the honesty (rather than just ghosting when they plan girls nights etc.)

Meanwhile, I’m the PP who cheered on the other PP who floated the idea of trying to convene a big group via an Evite. I tend to turn those things down now, but I would absolutely circle back to her individually to say thanks for including me and maybe inviting her to do something one-on-one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I have a small handful of women I feel true friendship with, but I can only handle one-on-one togethers and it’s usually something active like a long walk or a run.

I don’t do group meetups anymore. The dynamics are too complex in multiple ways. For me, social media plus Covid years plus late 40s general malaise has killed my desire to go out in public with a group of women. Even ones I actually like. .

Same. I’m finally open and straightforward about it, which has helped a lot!! I just say “I'm more into hanging out one-on-one these days … groups just feel overwhelming to me lately.”

People totally seem to get it and appreciate the honesty (rather than just ghosting when they plan girls nights etc.)

Meanwhile, I’m the PP who cheered on the other PP who floated the idea of trying to convene a big group via an Evite. I tend to turn those things down now, but I would absolutely circle back to her individually to say thanks for including me and maybe inviting her to do something one-on-one.

I have a group of 3 friends who became close during COVID. Everyone is great and inclusive.Nobody is trying to climb the neighborhood social ladder and it's so nice. You just have to find your people.

[Anonymous]

I’ve noticed Americans in general don’t have friends.

Europeans and other immigrants have close groups of friends and spend a lot of time together.

Americans are lonely and stuck in their suburban McMansions cutting the loan on weekends instead of drinking wine with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed Americans in general don’t have friends.

Europeans and other immigrants have close groups of friends and spend a lot of time together.

Americans are lonely and stuck in their suburban McMansions cutting the loan on weekends instead of drinking wine with friends.

Plenty of Americans have friends. America is a large, diverse country.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest here, I love my friends, however as time has passed I have become a bit more socially anxious and have to push myself to initiate get togethers. I do always have a great time reconnecting though. If only we were more like Europe/UK with more 3rd spaces—cafe, pub

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?
My high school friends are scattered and a few have splintered off with time, which is normal, I suppose. Ditto college. We mainly communicate via memes or some text threads.
The adult friends I made in my 20s all are now busy with families, me included; seems there's never a great time to meet up, and some have moved.
I love my neighborhood and have cultivated some solid friendships there, originally through my kids, but the guesswork sucks. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or needy, so I limit invites or texts. I thought I clicked with one person -- but several hangouts later, they basically ghosted and stopped reciprocating, our text thread went dormant, and...poof.
Anyone else in this boat? I just feel low-level stressed and somewhat lonely as a middle-aged mom.

It gets worse once your kids leave school.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed Americans in general don’t have friends.

Europeans and other immigrants have close groups of friends and spend a lot of time together.

Americans are lonely and stuck in their suburban McMansions cutting the loan on weekends instead of drinking wine with friends.

I don't know which Americans you know.

I have friends from my K-12, friends from college, friends from old jobs, friends of my kids' friends, friends from my hobby, and friends in my neighborhood. Of all those friends, I'd say only one of them is pretty isolated and really just spends time with our group 3-4 times a year (we live in different states). All my other friends are constantly spending time with friends whether locally or from out of town. We do weekends away, we host people, we do weeknight activities, we hang out on the weekends, we talk to our friends on the phone. Our friends know each other because when someone comes to visit they are absorbed into the local group. I guess like attracts like, but I'm talking about 50 or so people from age 5 to 45 that I am friends with and we're all like that (except the one I noted, and she has always described herself as a very strong introvert and a generally unhappy person). I don't know anyone who doesn't do something with a friend or friends at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?
My high school friends are scattered and a few have splintered off with time, which is normal, I suppose. Ditto college. We mainly communicate via memes or some text threads.
The adult friends I made in my 20s all are now busy with families, me included; seems there's never a great time to meet up, and some have moved.
I love my neighborhood and have cultivated some solid friendships there, originally through my kids, but the guesswork sucks. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or needy, so I limit invites or texts. I thought I clicked with one person -- but several hangouts later, they basically ghosted and stopped reciprocating, our text thread went dormant, and...poof.
Anyone else in this boat? I just feel low-level stressed and somewhat lonely as a middle-aged mom.

It gets worse once your kids leave school.

+100

Why does it get worse when your kids leave? I'd think then I'd have more time to spend with my friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest here, I love my friends, however as time has passed I have become a bit more socially anxious and have to push myself to initiate get togethers. I do always have a great time reconnecting though. If only we were more like Europe/UK with more 3rd spaces—cafe, pub

When we were in England, many pubs were surprising empty. I wonder if everyone was home watching Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've sometimes thought about sending out a blast email (or maybe even an Evite where you can't see respondents) and setting up a happy hour, a brunch, a dinner, and letting whoever wants to join just join. But then I worry I'd be the only person there.

Please don't do this -- it's very odd and feels like a marketing campaign.

My friend did this last week -- sent out an email blast inviting "us" to an event without letting anyone know who else was invited. It felt like spam.

Just ask two or three friends over for drinks and ask them to bring a "new" friend as well. Grow your social circle intentionally and organically, not through mass emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed Americans in general don’t have friends.

Europeans and other immigrants have close groups of friends and spend a lot of time together.

Americans are lonely and stuck in their suburban McMansions cutting the loan on weekends instead of drinking wine with friends.

Weird.

I'm American and have many circles of friends -- work, neighborhood, from childhood and through my religious institution. I am in my 50s and I make new friends regularly, either by meeting friends of friends or through work events.

Funny, when I lived in Europe (France) I noticed that they did not have any friends whom they hadn't known since childhood. They really lacked the ability to make friends as adults in contrast to the expats (from all over the world).

[Anonymous]

I used to feel as OP and others do but in the last year or two I've just kind of let go of it and it's been good. I have realized that I'm never going to have a bestie and that a lot of other adult friendships can be awkward or uneven, and just accepted it.

I have some casual friendships through a hobby (where I only see them when we are doing this hobby) and my husband and I are in a friend group with another couple and two singles where we get together as a group periodically but I don't really have 1:1 friendships with anyone in the group. So I do socialize, but I don't have a friend group or close friends in the way that people on this thread mean.

For a time I saw a therapist just so I'd have someone to talk to about my feelings, which I think is what a lot of us are looking for in friendship (and might be why it's hard to find -- that's a lot to ask of a person). That was okay but I didn't love my therapist, so I took a break and lately I just journal a lot. I would go back to therapy though. I actually think finding other places to talk about feelings has reduced my feelings of loneliness and makes it easier for me to have these somewhat shallower friendships and just enjoy spending time with people even if we're not getting into personal stuff really.

I'm in my late 40s now and I think some of it is just letting go of some ideals about female friendships and not viewing it as a reflection on my worth as a person. I have a husband and kids, I do have friends, I am very fortunate. I'm not alone.

Also I realized a lot of my feelings of loneliness stem from having dysfunctional family relationships dating back to childhood, and friendship was not ever going to fill that void. Realizing that also takes pressure off friendships.

So I guess my recommendation for others who are struggling is to try and investigate exactly what it is you feel you are missing out on without these friendships, and see if you can find other ways to fulfill those needs. And then relax a bit in terms of what you ask for from your friendships and socially, see if you can just let it be what it is even if it's not what you envisioned your friendships would look like at this stage of life. I think to some degree just maintaining friendships over time, even if seemingly not super deep or intimate, has meaning and can be fulfilling. And then just working on your own inner life and see if you can find ways to address those feelings of loneliness or isolation in other ways.