I'm so tired of the adult female friendship dance

[Anonymous]

People used to go to church to make friends. You'd see the same people every week in a social setting, which enabled you to create a meaningful and, most importantly, repeatable bond.

That venue is becoming less and less important to American society. Even self-identified "Christians" don't attend church weekly or have more than a superficial relationship with their church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once I left school (grad school) I realized if I wanted friends, I had to be super proactive about it. I put more effort into making friends than dating. And I’m an introvert, but I like being social.

In some ways if got harder as I got older (and more adult - job, married, house, kids) - but each time I had one of those life changes I went out to try to make friends - and connect people together.

It helped that I had a few special interests - joined knitting meet ups, tennis lessons, book clubs, social networking, alumni groups, the new mom groups, daycare friends etc.

I’ve realized a few things:
1) someone has to ask first
2) you aren’t going to connect with everyone
2a) it’s a valuable skill to be able to have a conversation with and find something interesting about most people you meet
3) you aren’t going to have identical interests as everyone
3a) which means you have friends you go to concerts with and friends you go on hikes with etc.
4) friends will drift away, it’s usually not personal
5) if it’s a larger group based on an interest or kid activity or neighborhood, there are people you will have to put up with
5a) there are probably people who feel that way about you - it’s okay - you don’t need to be everyone’s cup of tea
6) if your kids and spouses get along - great - but once your kids are out of early elementary- eh not a big deal.
7) sometimes you have to be good with just texting memes back and forth
8) you have to initiate/plan - and sometimes you’re doing it more than 50% of the time


My mom - also an introvert - is very good at doing this. I’ve realized she’s good at talking about a lot of subjects, she has a lot of interests, and she doesn’t expect more of people than they are offering. She has good friends, but she also has casual friends she plays bridge with, and other friends she sees at her exercise classes. It’s made her retirement/widowhood so much easier.

My father - the extrovert - was not so good at this - he had very high standards/expectations, if someone upset him, they were dead to him, and he focused so much on “productive” and “valuable” interests that he eschewed any hobbies or activities that were just for the fun of it. When he retired, he quickly went downhill - it was really sad and frustrating.

I don’t think it’s any worse here than any other areas - there are snobs and status seekers everywhere. But it’s not effortless.

Your list sounds pretty spot on to me. It’s interesting about your mom. As an introvert I don’t really ever crave people to socialize with or discuss subjects with. What I do miss is people I could do nothing with and it felt good and comfortable. Like a friend I could call spontaneously and say hey, want to watch Survivor and eat some cheese? I don’t like the calculations of proper dinner dates and get togethers. I think that’s why I’ve really floundered as a middle aged person in terms of friendship: the work involved and the nature of adult friendships aren’t my thing.

I'm the same as you. When I get an invite it's always "me and six other women are meeting at Bar next Friday at 7" when what I really want is "There's a plant sale down the block, would you like to walk over together in an hour?" But when I reach out with spontaneous stuff I always get the "soooo busy" even from SAHMs. Bring the kids, I don't care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once I left school (grad school) I realized if I wanted friends, I had to be super proactive about it. I put more effort into making friends than dating. And I’m an introvert, but I like being social.

In some ways if got harder as I got older (and more adult - job, married, house, kids) - but each time I had one of those life changes I went out to try to make friends - and connect people together.

It helped that I had a few special interests - joined knitting meet ups, tennis lessons, book clubs, social networking, alumni groups, the new mom groups, daycare friends etc.

I’ve realized a few things:
1) someone has to ask first
2) you aren’t going to connect with everyone
2a) it’s a valuable skill to be able to have a conversation with and find something interesting about most people you meet
3) you aren’t going to have identical interests as everyone
3a) which means you have friends you go to concerts with and friends you go on hikes with etc.
4) friends will drift away, it’s usually not personal
5) if it’s a larger group based on an interest or kid activity or neighborhood, there are people you will have to put up with
5a) there are probably people who feel that way about you - it’s okay - you don’t need to be everyone’s cup of tea
6) if your kids and spouses get along - great - but once your kids are out of early elementary- eh not a big deal.
7) sometimes you have to be good with just texting memes back and forth
8) you have to initiate/plan - and sometimes you’re doing it more than 50% of the time


My mom - also an introvert - is very good at doing this. I’ve realized she’s good at talking about a lot of subjects, she has a lot of interests, and she doesn’t expect more of people than they are offering. She has good friends, but she also has casual friends she plays bridge with, and other friends she sees at her exercise classes. It’s made her retirement/widowhood so much easier.

My father - the extrovert - was not so good at this - he had very high standards/expectations, if someone upset him, they were dead to him, and he focused so much on “productive” and “valuable” interests that he eschewed any hobbies or activities that were just for the fun of it. When he retired, he quickly went downhill - it was really sad and frustrating.

I don’t think it’s any worse here than any other areas - there are snobs and status seekers everywhere. But it’s not effortless.

Your list sounds pretty spot on to me. It’s interesting about your mom. As an introvert I don’t really ever crave people to socialize with or discuss subjects with. What I do miss is people I could do nothing with and it felt good and comfortable. Like a friend I could call spontaneously and say hey, want to watch Survivor and eat some cheese? I don’t like the calculations of proper dinner dates and get togethers. I think that’s why I’ve really floundered as a middle aged person in terms of friendship: the work involved and the nature of adult friendships aren’t my thing.

PP here - agreed re: my mom! I think it’s she wants to be doing something- playing bridge, discussing books, going to a lecture. She also now lives alone so home is quiet for the first time in her life, probably - when the kids were home and she was working, she wouldn’t have wanted to do any of that!

Looking back - I was my most proactively social when I didn’t have roommates or a social work/school environment.

Now I crave alone time, but I also appreciate time with friends.

[Anonymous]

This thread illustrates why it’s so hard to find friends. Some people like activities, some don’t. Some want people to check in when times are tough. Others don’t want to be bothered. Some like groups, others like one-on-one. At the end of the day, everyone has to go out in order to find their people.

[Anonymous]

One thing that is different around here compared to where I grew up is the need to make an appointment to visit someone. When I was a kid, neighbors, friends and relatives would just roll up to our house to borrow a garden tool, have a cup of coffee or drop off something.