Reply to I'm so tired of the adult female friendship dance

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[quote=Anonymous]I used to feel as OP and others do but in the last year or two I've just kind of let go of it and it's been good. I have realized that I'm never going to have a bestie and that a lot of other adult friendships can be awkward or uneven, and just accepted it.

I have some casual friendships through a hobby (where I only see them when we are doing this hobby) and my husband and I are in a friend group with another couple and two singles where we get together as a group periodically but I don't really have 1:1 friendships with anyone in the group. So I do socialize, but I don't have a friend group or close friends in the way that people on this thread mean.

For a time I saw a therapist just so I'd have someone to talk to about my feelings, which I think is what a lot of us are looking for in friendship (and might be why it's hard to find -- that's a lot to ask of a person). That was okay but I didn't love my therapist, so I took a break and lately I just journal a lot. I would go back to therapy though. I actually think finding other places to talk about feelings has reduced my feelings of loneliness and makes it easier for me to have these somewhat shallower friendships and just enjoy spending time with people even if we're not getting into personal stuff really.

I'm in my late 40s now and I think some of it is just letting go of some ideals about female friendships and not viewing it as a reflection on my worth as a person. I have a husband and kids, I do have friends, I am very fortunate. I'm not alone.

Also I realized a lot of my feelings of loneliness stem from having dysfunctional family relationships dating back to childhood, and friendship was not ever going to fill that void. Realizing that also takes pressure off friendships.

So I guess my recommendation for others who are struggling is to try and investigate exactly what it is you feel you are missing out on without these friendships, and see if you can find other ways to fulfill those needs. And then relax a bit in terms of what you ask for from your friendships and socially, see if you can just let it be what it is even if it's not what you envisioned your friendships would look like at this stage of life. I think to some degree just maintaining friendships over time, even if seemingly not super deep or intimate, has meaning and can be fulfilling. And then just working on your own inner life and see if you can find ways to address those feelings of loneliness or isolation in other ways.[/quote]

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