I'm so tired of the adult female friendship dance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?
My high school friends are scattered and a few have splintered off with time, which is normal, I suppose. Ditto college. We mainly communicate via memes or some text threads.
The adult friends I made in my 20s all are now busy with families, me included; seems there's never a great time to meet up, and some have moved.
I love my neighborhood and have cultivated some solid friendships there, originally through my kids, but the guesswork sucks. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or needy, so I limit invites or texts. I thought I clicked with one person -- but several hangouts later, they basically ghosted and stopped reciprocating, our text thread went dormant, and...poof.
Anyone else in this boat? I just feel low-level stressed and somewhat lonely as a middle-aged mom.

As a man I've found this much easier with female friends, because the amount of texting before you're considered "needy" is much higher. I have mom friends I text every day, but dads would think I was weird. I think it's hard to do any kind of get together (people are busy), but the ability to text regularly keeps me much more connected to my friends when we can see each other.

Obviously parts of all adult friendship are hard, no matter the genders involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?
My high school friends are scattered and a few have splintered off with time, which is normal, I suppose. Ditto college. We mainly communicate via memes or some text threads.
The adult friends I made in my 20s all are now busy with families, me included; seems there's never a great time to meet up, and some have moved.
I love my neighborhood and have cultivated some solid friendships there, originally through my kids, but the guesswork sucks. I don't want to come off as too aggressive or needy, so I limit invites or texts. I thought I clicked with one person -- but several hangouts later, they basically ghosted and stopped reciprocating, our text thread went dormant, and...poof.
Anyone else in this boat? I just feel low-level stressed and somewhat lonely as a middle-aged mom.

It gets worse once your kids leave school.

NP here. I hadn't thought of this.

[Anonymous]

I also only have a few close friends. And seeing them a handful of times a year (if they are local) is enough for me but we do keep up with each other by text. I’ve tried to make an effort in the past and people in this area are super flaky: either they are just too busy with their own family, friends, and work; or they have mental health issues and can’t keep a date; or I’m just not a priority, and cancel last minute on me. After a few times, I just don’t make an effort to try and meet up. I wish it were different, but ultimately, I have very limited time as well, so it’s fine (right now).

[Anonymous]

This is why so many people have mental and personality disease. They cannot make time for their acquaintances and keeping in touch.

It is not healthy at all to do nothing and only be with family. Study after study shows that people who are able to maintain platonic relationships and networks have far lower risk of age related dementia and other neurological disease. There are just things you can't talk about with your spouse or kids that you can with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are many of us in this same boat, especially in this area. Either you are a social climber or you are not and if you are not, you will struggle here. There's too many rules here and one simple "mistake" will oust you.

This is so ridiculous. I have tons of friends, including those from earlier times in my life that I have spent the time and energy staying close to, but I am not remotely a "social climber."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umar Haque writes that friendship is a liability in a disintegrating society. Friends have needs. No one has the time to invest in other people. The US is an every man for himself society. DC is even worse in this respect. Why do you think Truman advised getting a dog if you wanted a friend in DC.

Some of us make the time. Same as how people make time to work out. Or cook food from scratch. Or walk their dogs. Etc.

Friendships take work, so if you aren't willing to put in the time then you probably shouldn't expect to reap the results. I get up at 5:30 am so I can walk and talk to my best friend, who is a school teacher who lives about 4 hours away from me because that's the only time we can both commit to given our work schedules, family commitments, etc. Don't invest time in other people if you don't want to, but don't say that no one does. I have plenty of friends who do.

[Anonymous]

When kids are young it's mainly tagging along behind your kids and talking to other moms. Then those friendships fall by the wayside as your kids make different friends. Honestly, I don't get how people even become friends unless you see them daily for years. Everything seems based on convenience and friendships mostly seem transient.

[Anonymous]

11:59 poster again, I don't like when someone turns down an invite by saying, "I'm overwhelmed" or any response that sounds like the person needs an extra level of understanding. A bad, selfish combination. They are being inauthentic and willing to accept sympathy. It leaves the other person to worry about them a little, wondering if there is a way to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone explain the type of person that you meet and they are very friendly and invite you to events but then make a comment about their life or their kids almost as a way to feel out if you will act the same as them and if you remark anything that is your own behavior or thought that doesn't exactly match up and then they ice you out? I've met several of these women and it is so strange. We've just met. Why would you think I'd think exactly like you?

One example. We were walking our babies around the block for our first meet up per her invite and the mom remarked that she didn't care if her baby grew up to be sporty or not. I honestly replied that I loved sports and would love if my child grew up to be sporty but of course would follow my child's lead. The mom iced me out for years, is one of the most competitive people I know, and her kid grew up to only do sports. He's a jerk to other kids in sports too putting down kids even when playing pickup.

How was I supposed to know that her lead was something I was supposed to reciprocate in order to be invited into her world of friendship? So many tests. People are so weird this way.

Do you even want to be friends with this person? She doesn’t seem like your type.

I’m a quick friend cutter, because in middle-age, I’ve learned to identify the friendships that fizzle and become work. I don’t need more work in my life. Everything in my life is work: work, housework, parenting, elder care. My friends are a break from work. This woman just sounds like more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umar Haque writes that friendship is a liability in a disintegrating society. Friends have needs. No one has the time to invest in other people. The US is an every man for himself society. DC is even worse in this respect. Why do you think Truman advised getting a dog if you wanted a friend in DC.

Some of us make the time. Same as how people make time to work out. Or cook food from scratch. Or walk their dogs. Etc.

Friendships take work, so if you aren't willing to put in the time then you probably shouldn't expect to reap the results. I get up at 5:30 am so I can walk and talk to my best friend, who is a school teacher who lives about 4 hours away from me because that's the only time we can both commit to given our work schedules, family commitments, etc. Don't invest time in other people if you don't want to, but don't say that no one does. I have plenty of friends who do.

This doesn't help the OP and the others who do want to invest time, but aren't finding like-minded friends. Congrats to you. What you have is rare around here.

[Anonymous]

I think generally, schools are a bad place to find adult friends.

Might want to try a place of worship, or a local hobby club. Someplace you have more in common, plus a desire to be there for you, not for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone explain the type of person that you meet and they are very friendly and invite you to events but then make a comment about their life or their kids almost as a way to feel out if you will act the same as them and if you remark anything that is your own behavior or thought that doesn't exactly match up and then they ice you out? I've met several of these women and it is so strange. We've just met. Why would you think I'd think exactly like you?

One example. We were walking our babies around the block for our first meet up per her invite and the mom remarked that she didn't care if her baby grew up to be sporty or not. I honestly replied that I loved sports and would love if my child grew up to be sporty but of course would follow my child's lead. The mom iced me out for years, is one of the most competitive people I know, and her kid grew up to only do sports. He's a jerk to other kids in sports too putting down kids even when playing pickup.

How was I supposed to know that her lead was something I was supposed to reciprocate in order to be invited into her world of friendship? So many tests. People are so weird this way.

She sounds like a manipulative, insecure, mean girl and she was feeling you out to see if you would be a follower to her being the queen bee. You unwittingly didn't support that. Maybe it was the sporty comment or maybe it was something else. You seem upset that you didn't pass this test, but in reality this isn't a group you would have fit in with and why would you even want to.

It sounds like this happens to you often. Try to improve picking up on cues for other people's character and motives. You should be assessing other people who you meet, not just hoping to pass their tests.

Also understand that friendships with the moms of your kid's friends are temporary. This is big in elementary school, but when the kid friendships change then the mom friendships fall apart. Just be friendly enough to get play dates for your kids, but look elsewhere for lifelong friends.

[Anonymous]

The person who doesn't like when people say they are overwhelmed would not like me. I have ADHD and get overwhelmed easily and add to that challenging elderly parent, one child with special needs, one with medical issues that sometimes flare, a husband with a new health issue and I absolutely get overwhelmed and I do value my friends, but cannot always get together when they want.

I don't mind being the one to make the effort and I think I am pretty good at reading when someone is fading off on purpose or when they just have too much going on. I just like what each person brings to the table. I have old friends and new and I like them for different reasons. It's OK if they can't get together much.

[Anonymous]

It can be easier if it’s tied to a regular activity—e.g. making friends with a mom that you see at your kids’ games (chat during the game), running club (all speeds welcome and you get to know people and see them regularly), book club (you can find one at your library).

[Anonymous]

I had amazing friends growing up, so many, fewer as a young woman but still ok. Everything became really tough with kids: had many mom friends but it never felt real, just focused on the kids. Now with older kids I have no friends. I’ve tried the usual revs like book club, volunteering, exercise class…nothing. At this point I have to say I am at peace with it and no longer want to try. I feel like trying was a lot if effort for nothing (I am a hue introvert so putting myself out there is work)