I'm so tired of the adult female friendship dance

[Anonymous]

Try not to take it personally. We are all busy, but that doesn’t mean we don’t value our friendships — we just don’t have time. I have local friends I haven’t seen in a year or more; however, if our scheduled meshed and we had a chance to connect, we would pick up right where we left off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, I am so tired of dodging invites. I refuse something and the friend goes ‘well what about next weekend’ ugh take a hint.

Case in point.

[Anonymous]

I have accepted I will never have the close family-like friendships with my mom/neighbor/community friends like I do with my hs/college/former work friends. I go to lunch a few times a month with them and have a few gcs that are not super active, but they are there.

Unfortunately, the family-like hs/college/former work friends are the ones that are hardest to see now due to proximity but when I am with them I feel a real difference. I will likely move back to where some of them are when I have an empty nest.

It's ok. It is life.

[Anonymous]

I feel so weird about friendships, like I’m falling short. My close friends are literally scattered around the world. I’ve made friends in my new city (moved from dc), but they are all 1:1 friendships. I don’t have a big group or even a small group to do things with. I’ve noticed that the groups that exist where I live are all women who knew each other from elementary and HS, and moved back here after college or grad school. That’s fair and what I would have done with my friendships if we’d all ended up in the same place, but it’s hard to be on the outside of it. My kids are at a private that pulls heavily from a few larger neighborhoods where a lot of people return once they’re adults, so there are generational ties that I’m on the outside of. I feel it most intensely in the summer at our club and on long weekends when everyone at school is going places together.

I’ve accepted that I’m the outsider, I’m grateful for the friends I do have, and I’d be lying if I said there weren’t certain times of year when I feel like I’m pressing my face against the glass and watching other people’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, I am so tired of dodging invites. I refuse something and the friend goes ‘well what about next weekend’ ugh take a hint.

People who are busy are often busy for several weeks. Believe me eventually we will stop inviting you. At some point you must have sounded interested. You are welcome to just tell them you don't have any interest in ever meeting up. Own your own actions.

[Anonymous]

Can anyone explain the type of person that you meet and they are very friendly and invite you to events but then make a comment about their life or their kids almost as a way to feel out if you will act the same as them and if you remark anything that is your own behavior or thought that doesn't exactly match up and then they ice you out? I've met several of these women and it is so strange. We've just met. Why would you think I'd think exactly like you?

One example. We were walking our babies around the block for our first meet up per her invite and the mom remarked that she didn't care if her baby grew up to be sporty or not. I honestly replied that I loved sports and would love if my child grew up to be sporty but of course would follow my child's lead. The mom iced me out for years, is one of the most competitive people I know, and her kid grew up to only do sports. He's a jerk to other kids in sports too putting down kids even when playing pickup.

How was I supposed to know that her lead was something I was supposed to reciprocate in order to be invited into her world of friendship? So many tests. People are so weird this way.

[Anonymous]

Same! I keep up with and see a handful of really close friends and that's enough. I no longer feel like playing the superficial friendship game - it's so unrewarding.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't this thread be in relationships?

[Anonymous]

I've sometimes thought about sending out a blast email (or maybe even an Evite where you can't see respondents) and setting up a happy hour, a brunch, a dinner, and letting whoever wants to join just join. But then I worry I'd be the only person there.

[Anonymous]

I thought superficial mom friendships were the worst part of parenting. I already had friends before I had kids. It's hard enough to keep up with those and I think those friendships were more important.

Now that my kids are teens, I'm happy this part is over.

[Anonymous]

The rhythm to the relationship is so important. I want IRL face time and use other communication sparingly. If someone who live locally doesn't want to meet-up in person, not even once a month for an hour, I just assume they aren't available for friendship. I try, try real hard not to read any more into it. My ideal is getting together once a week for an hour or so and both people initiating fairly evenly.

For far away friends, I try to visit their area every few years and really like a few long phone calls a year.

Mostly, the rhythm is really set by the person who does the least, unfortunately. As long as the other person can accept the pattern. No relationship can survive a very uneven balance of effort.

[Anonymous]

Yes! I am introverted and covid changed me in a way that I just DGAF anymore but I found it was limiting my kid's stuff as far as playdates go. I put myself out there a bit for their sake, but it's hard and draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've sometimes thought about sending out a blast email (or maybe even an Evite where you can't see respondents) and setting up a happy hour, a brunch, a dinner, and letting whoever wants to join just join. But then I worry I'd be the only person there.

I've done this twice.
First time I invited all the moms in the class (16) and 4 showed up. Honestly the 5 of us didn't really gel at all.
Second time I got a better turnout and while it wasn't a smashing success, I think it was ok. I ended up getting close with one mom who is, of course, moving this summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, I am so tired of dodging invites. I refuse something and the friend goes ‘well what about next weekend’ ugh take a hint.

Why not just be honest instead of making someone guess as you dodge?

Seriously. Just say you’re too tired, or too busy or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an introvert, I am so tired of dodging invites. I refuse something and the friend goes ‘well what about next weekend’ ugh take a hint.

Haha, this is me too. I see the people I consider close friends about once a month.

Once a month? I am happy to meet up with people once per year. And those are local people I consider friends.

Covid changed things and I stopped feeling the need to get together with the fake mom acquaintances. Once the kids became teens, a lot of the hang outs stopped.