People who loved their partners/spouses but cheated anyway

[Anonymous]

There are two ladies in our friend group who hook up on the regular but say they both love their husbands and families. I don’t know, Maybe they never had the chance to explore their sexuality before marriage? It’s an open secret with our friends but their husbands don’t know.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Stop justifying your bad behavior and get a divorce. You don't love your spouse if you are cheating.

So you’ve never hurt someone you loved? Ever? It happens. People make mad decisions all the time. We’re imperfect. I’m not defending it but this refrain that all cheaters must not love their spouse just ignores that humans make mistakes.

NP. People do accidentally hurt people they love. If you intentionally hurt someone, then you don't love them.

No one "accidentally" cheats.

You only hurt them if they find out…so you rationalize it that as long as they never know, you didn’t hurt them.

Former AP and I are still friends and the one thing is that we will forever have this secret between us, where now there is someone else that knows more about us than our spouses. We are emotionally closer now because we can tell each other everything now that we have this bond of something only the two of us know.

Not as deep as you think it is. Mainly just knowledge of how your moral compass works or doesn't, with a mutual non-aggression pact laid on top. The rest is just sex-based bonding which isn't very unique.

We are best friends at this point because it’s easy knowing we can tell each other anything without judgement.

A great cheating success story!

It is! We were friends first so that’s the key to a success story.

[Anonymous]

This unspoken emotional thing we’ve got going on is enough. I might just be getting the scraps of her real relationship, but it’s still one of the best relationships I’ve ever had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two ladies in our friend group who hook up on the regular but say they both love their husbands and families. I don’t know, Maybe they never had the chance to explore their sexuality before marriage? It’s an open secret with our friends but their husbands don’t know.

Gross. Awful to deceive their husbands like that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:They have low self esteem, emotionally immature (though may seem mature intellectually/successful in the workplace) and seek validation outside their marriage.

I was coming here to ask this. It seems the common thread is insecurity by the cheater?

You really can’t have low self esteem since if you did you would fear rejection, you have to be really confident to even try to approach the topic. I am talking about people that meet in person and aren’t online specifically looking for affairs.

I disagree with you. These people often do have low self-esteem so when their self-esteem is stroked and peaked by another person or potential suitor, it gives them a boost of dopamine that’s off the charts. It feels good to them to be needed and wanted. It doesn’t matter if their spouse is already treating them fine at home, it’s that surge of feeling that they like.

The newness and outside validation. 100% high on the adrenaline of lying

[Anonymous]

People are complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

In other words, your character is far from great and you don’t want to admit it to or about yourself so have rationalized your decisions. Your lack of any remorse or acknowledgement for how your decisions affected others is astounding. I can only imagine your ex’s response to this story.

The cause of our divorce was not my affair - never discovered - but my husband coming to terms with feeling trans. So. Accept that there are experiences outside of your own.

[Anonymous]

People may be attached or dependent or otherwise enmeshed with their spouse, but carrying on an affair with the requisite lying and gaslighting is not love. We may inadvertently hurt those we love or even deliberately in the heat of an argument do so. But to continually and proactively engage in deceit is cruel and speaks of a profound lack of empathy.

I think people who have affairs are emotionally stunted either due to immaturity (most cases) or narcissism or sociopathy. They fear or avoid difficult conversations and refuse to take accountability for their actions. People like that have no business being married or in a serious committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

You actually are some sort of sociopath, though. You made a vow to your wife and remorselessly cheated on her to get your kicks until you just didn’t feel like it anymore. That isn’t normal behavior, guy. You absolutely have some sort of emotional problem to be able to engage in that behavior without any regret.

[Anonymous]

I think this type thing is not always black and white. What people know about affairs (especially EA) but might not admit to their partners is this; we can’t stop them from sparking if the sexual attraction and chemistry is strong enough. This doesn’t mean we’re compelled to act on it or do anything that violates trust; we’re still in control of our next actions. Its a natural part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who had an affair while saying I loved my husband. My AP said he loved his wife. Neither of us wanted to break up our marriages.

But "love" and "in love" are not the same, as a PP said. We had familial love for our spouses. Both of us had been with our spouses since high school. By adulthood, they felt more like a sibling than a romantic interest (even though we were still having sex). In fact, the lack of romance, affection, flirting, despite begging my husband for it for years, is what drew me to my AP. But we both considered ourselves to have happy marriages, in that we got along and were enmeshed with our in-laws and couldn't fathom not having our spouses in our lives. Just like you wouldn't want to cut off your siblings for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

But ultimately we both divorced and have been with each other for 12 years now.

Can I ask how old you were and how long you were together before divorcing your spouses? Do you have kids? I’m sorry for all of you for going through a painful experience but happy you found love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of closeted guys truly love their wives but cheat anyway.

Probable happens more often than people think.

Truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, you guys over-think this. I love my wife very much, however, after the kids were born, she lost total interest in sex. I was in my prime (sexually) and had affairs just for the sex. As I’ve aged and my sex drive has somewhat diminished, I no longer cheat. I’m not a sociopath, or have emotional problems, I just enjoyed sex and my wife was not able to fulfill that need.

You actually are some sort of sociopath, though. You made a vow to your wife and remorselessly cheated on her to get your kicks until you just didn’t feel like it anymore. That isn’t normal behavior, guy. You absolutely have some sort of emotional problem to be able to engage in that behavior without any regret.

I don’t think my vows addressed anything sex related. I’m certain you’re perfect though.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a lack of love, OP. It's a problem with impulsivity, inability to redirect feelings, and tendency to downplay consequences.

Love is not the starry-eyed simplistic romantic thing you see on TV. It's a complicated set of feelings.