Did I learn from my divorce or am I still in the honeymoon phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fellow divorced dad here. A couple of (not necessarily related) thoughts and questions:

1) You may not be in the "honeymoon" period, however you are still in a relatively low pressure situation. I assume you are not sharing space with this younger woman, so you don't have the same dynamic whereby resentment and the like could grow like a fungus the way it did in your marriage. Things are easier.

2) Did you do any individual therapy after your divorce? If not, I doubt very seriously that you have grown or learned anything.

3) This can all change in a hurry if she wants here own babies. And if she does, she will articulate that very soon. Which means you will go from separate space and date nights to cohabitation and young kid stress all over again.

4) She will be approaching peak libido at a time when your own will be likely subsiding due to age. At which point, if you can't keep up and the resentment I warn of creeps in, she might step out on you. If you do marry, get a prenup.

5) You may be deluding yourself about how well your kids accepted her. As someone else said, I have no doubt they were polite. But if she takes on a bigger role in your life, you may be in for a shock.

+1. We men seriously underestimate this. Women cheat in their husbands because of this.

[Anonymous]

Have a child with her. That will tell you if you learned something from your previous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a child with her. That will tell you if you learned something from your previous marriage.

Or maybe don’t bring a child into the world as a test 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

You don’t seem to be answering questions that might help people determine if you are mainly in the honeymoon phase or have made personal changes. You kind of gloss over them.

What are the current custody arrangements and how old are your children?

Are you at a different phase of your career, where you feel like you don’t have to work as much?

Does your girlfriend have children?

How often do you see your girlfriend during the week?

OP here.

1) we have 50/50. We have 5-2-2-5 arrangement. On the weeks I have my kids 2 times a week I see her the other 5 days. On the weeks I have them 5 days I see her once or twice. My kids are 17 and 13. Both have fully funded 529 for public schools. If they want graduate education I can't finance that.

2) I could retire today if I wanted to. I own 10 rental apartments that are paid off. After all expenses taxes and maintenance the monthly cash flow is $9k.My 401k is well funded as well

3) she has a 6 years old daughter

If you could retire today and your 401k is well funded AND you have a positive cash flow of $109k a year from rental properties, you can finance a grad education, you just do not want to. That is fine, but own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your girlfriend been married before? Have kids? Want (more) kids? What is your custody arrangement?

You probably learned from your first marriage. You’re probably also still in a honeymoon phase.

More self-awareness never hurts. I think you should reflect on who you are, and what you need, and how your girlfriend fits into that. Are you still looking for someone else to meet your unmet needs, or have you learned to self soothe? Who is she and what does she need? Can she meet her own unmet needs? Or do you just like having sex with each other (that’s valid)?

Be careful about making her a permanent fixture in your life, especially if she has kids (risk of breaking up is significantly higher), or wants kids (it’s hard to be a half-time kid when there are full time kids in the house).

And it’s likely your marriage didn’t fall apart because you didn’t have enough date nights. It likely fell apart because of the contempt your ex felt for your Disney Dad routine. You can’t fix that with roses and date nights, but you also don’t know if that’s going to be a problem in your next relationship until you actually have shared responsibilities.

OP here. You have raised very good questions. And honestly I haven't done that deep dive. I did some in therapy. Perhaps I should still remain in therapy.

My GF is not divorced but she has a child from a prior relationship. I don't think we will try to have kids should we get married in the future.

Do you have a savior complex? She doesn't sound like someone to marry. You will have more children and it will be a complicated mess with children from three different relationships. This creates its own emotional reality even if yiu think you can fix all that with what you"ve learned. Sounds very stressful. I would take my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

You don’t seem to be answering questions that might help people determine if you are mainly in the honeymoon phase or have made personal changes. You kind of gloss over them.

What are the current custody arrangements and how old are your children?

Are you at a different phase of your career, where you feel like you don’t have to work as much?

Does your girlfriend have children?

How often do you see your girlfriend during the week?

OP here.

1) we have 50/50. We have 5-2-2-5 arrangement. On the weeks I have my kids 2 times a week I see her the other 5 days. On the weeks I have them 5 days I see her once or twice. My kids are 17 and 13. Both have fully funded 529 for public schools. If they want graduate education I can't finance that.

2) I could retire today if I wanted to. I own 10 rental apartments that are paid off. After all expenses taxes and maintenance the monthly cash flow is $9k.My 401k is well funded as well

3) she has a 6 years old daughter

What is her custody arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you meet?

OP here. I approached her at the airport or we approached each other. But we started having conversations seating next to each other. I then asked for her number so we can meet for coffee when are back in DC. I was on OLD at the time too, but I never put much effort on OLD.

Do either of you travel quite a bit (for work or pleasure) or was it just coincidence that you both were traveling at the same time?

[Anonymous]

If you do not want any more children, get snipped. It is the best way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your girlfriend been married before? Have kids? Want (more) kids? What is your custody arrangement?

You probably learned from your first marriage. You’re probably also still in a honeymoon phase.

More self-awareness never hurts. I think you should reflect on who you are, and what you need, and how your girlfriend fits into that. Are you still looking for someone else to meet your unmet needs, or have you learned to self soothe? Who is she and what does she need? Can she meet her own unmet needs? Or do you just like having sex with each other (that’s valid)?

Be careful about making her a permanent fixture in your life, especially if she has kids (risk of breaking up is significantly higher), or wants kids (it’s hard to be a half-time kid when there are full time kids in the house).

And it’s likely your marriage didn’t fall apart because you didn’t have enough date nights. It likely fell apart because of the contempt your ex felt for your Disney Dad routine. You can’t fix that with roses and date nights, but you also don’t know if that’s going to be a problem in your next relationship until you actually have shared responsibilities.

OP here. You have raised very good questions. And honestly I haven't done that deep dive. I did some in therapy. Perhaps I should still remain in therapy.

My GF is not divorced but she has a child from a prior relationship. I don't think we will try to have kids should we get married in the future.

Do you have a savior complex? She doesn't sound like someone to marry. You will have more children and it will be a complicated mess with children from three different relationships. This creates its own emotional reality even if yiu think you can fix all that with what you"ve learned. Sounds very stressful. I would take my time.

OP is dating someone’s baby momma! It tells a lot about both of them.
But he wouldn’t finance his kids grad degrees

[Anonymous]

Did she still want another kid?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1213525.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do not want any more children, get snipped. It is the best way.

Good point. This protects your kids op, but also hers.

[Anonymous]

Being an active an engaged partner while dating is very different than being an active and engaged partner to the mother of your children once married with kids and a wife who is aging and performing the role of motherhood.

Many men lose interest in their wives after they become moms. They can become resentful of the time and energy invested in the kids, or even sometimes jealous of the love and affection their wives give the children. They can also mourn the pre-kids version of their wives and (childishly, I believe) believe they are being unfairly deprived of that woman. They can also resent the way age and children complicate lives, and especially if also dealing with increased responsibility at work, simply nope out on participating in their families in a meaningful way because it's hard.

Divorcing a woman your own age and discovering you enjoy going on dates with a woman 10 years younger who doesn't have kids will not address any of these issues. Please don't marry (and definitely don't have kids) with another woman until you've figured out if you are willing to grow up and not fall into the pitfalls above.

Some men are simply not cut out for being husbands to mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

You don’t seem to be answering questions that might help people determine if you are mainly in the honeymoon phase or have made personal changes. You kind of gloss over them.

What are the current custody arrangements and how old are your children?

Are you at a different phase of your career, where you feel like you don’t have to work as much?

Does your girlfriend have children?

How often do you see your girlfriend during the week?

OP here.

1) we have 50/50. We have 5-2-2-5 arrangement. On the weeks I have my kids 2 times a week I see her the other 5 days. On the weeks I have them 5 days I see her once or twice. My kids are 17 and 13. Both have fully funded 529 for public schools. If they want graduate education I can't finance that.

2) I could retire today if I wanted to. I own 10 rental apartments that are paid off. After all expenses taxes and maintenance the monthly cash flow is $9k.My 401k is well funded as well

3) she has a 6 years old daughter

You can finance grad school, you just don’t want to. Or you’re being cautious in case you produce more kids. Make sure your existing kids know.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you think she would have dated you of you were not worth over. $2m?
How much is her net worth ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m obsessed with this man who is like “wow I am crushing it at being the boyfriend of my new young girlfriend with whom I do not have children, even though I let my marriage deteriorate” and his conclusion is that he must have gotten better.

Honest to god how do men function with this level of hubris. This guy could work for doge.

😂