Did I learn from my divorce or am I still in the honeymoon phase?

[Anonymous]

1) Honeymoon phase.
2) Increased gratitude bc you have been in a failed relationship.
3) You may be beyond the most difficult years of parenting. So you have already been through the natural acrimony that accompanies those stressed-out years.

It definitely is not 100% how much you changed or how wonderful the new person is.

People can find more compatible people the second time around but personality tendencies and habits don't tend to change much unless directly related to the misery/stress of a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Has your girlfriend been married before? Have kids? Want (more) kids? What is your custody arrangement?

You probably learned from your first marriage. You’re probably also still in a honeymoon phase.

More self-awareness never hurts. I think you should reflect on who you are, and what you need, and how your girlfriend fits into that. Are you still looking for someone else to meet your unmet needs, or have you learned to self soothe? Who is she and what does she need? Can she meet her own unmet needs? Or do you just like having sex with each other (that’s valid)?

Be careful about making her a permanent fixture in your life, especially if she has kids (risk of breaking up is significantly higher), or wants kids (it’s hard to be a half-time kid when there are full time kids in the house).

And it’s likely your marriage didn’t fall apart because you didn’t have enough date nights. It likely fell apart because of the contempt your ex felt for your Disney Dad routine. You can’t fix that with roses and date nights, but you also don’t know if that’s going to be a problem in your next relationship until you actually have shared responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

[Anonymous]

How did you meet?

[Anonymous]

There is value from being clear-eyed about your own faults.

It takes more than date nights and verbal expressions. Only the passage of time is the true test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your girlfriend been married before? Have kids? Want (more) kids? What is your custody arrangement?

You probably learned from your first marriage. You’re probably also still in a honeymoon phase.

More self-awareness never hurts. I think you should reflect on who you are, and what you need, and how your girlfriend fits into that. Are you still looking for someone else to meet your unmet needs, or have you learned to self soothe? Who is she and what does she need? Can she meet her own unmet needs? Or do you just like having sex with each other (that’s valid)?

Be careful about making her a permanent fixture in your life, especially if she has kids (risk of breaking up is significantly higher), or wants kids (it’s hard to be a half-time kid when there are full time kids in the house).

And it’s likely your marriage didn’t fall apart because you didn’t have enough date nights. It likely fell apart because of the contempt your ex felt for your Disney Dad routine. You can’t fix that with roses and date nights, but you also don’t know if that’s going to be a problem in your next relationship until you actually have shared responsibilities.

OP here. You have raised very good questions. And honestly I haven't done that deep dive. I did some in therapy. Perhaps I should still remain in therapy.

My GF is not divorced but she has a child from a prior relationship. I don't think we will try to have kids should we get married in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you meet?

OP here. I approached her at the airport or we approached each other. But we started having conversations seating next to each other. I then asked for her number so we can meet for coffee when are back in DC. I was on OLD at the time too, but I never put much effort on OLD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are in the honeymoon period,

One positive kid interaction of surface politeness doesn't prove they will ever like it accept her long term.

I think you are discovering that it's far easier to maintain a relationship as the part-time parent of older kids than the full-time parent of younger kids. You're not necessarily a better partner, you just have an easier life and her expectations are lower because you aren't married.

+1
If you marry, she will want kids. Then history will repeat itself. Your wife probably wasn't the problem. Your life was the problem - it's difficult to work, maintain a home, and raise kids. It might even be harder at 47.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

You don’t seem to be answering questions that might help people determine if you are mainly in the honeymoon phase or have made personal changes. You kind of gloss over them.

What are the current custody arrangements and how old are your children?

Are you at a different phase of your career, where you feel like you don’t have to work as much?

Does your girlfriend have children?

How often do you see your girlfriend during the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 47 and been divorced 3 years now but have been exclusive with my GF for a year now. My girlfriend is 34. I can see myself marrying her. In my first marriage I was not the best husband. I didn't cheat, but I wasn't around much, I didn't want to go on date nights, I didn't want to do therapy. However I was an equal partner at home and took our kids to all their sports events, attended all parents teachers conferences, knew all my kids teachers' names and Dr names etc...

Did I learned from my failed marriage? I just feel like I am a better partner now. I enjoy spending time with my GF, going on date nights and finding time away from work to be with her. Or I am still in the honeymoon phase? Some days I regret I wasn't this way with my first wife. Don't get me wrong she had her issues as well, but I can only objectively judge myself. I recently introduced my kids to my GF and it went better than I expected.

Can you reconcile the two bolded statements? One says you were not around much and the other says you were an equal partner at home. Those seem like contradictory statements to me.

What percentage of the time are your children with you, currently? You seem to use the past tense when describing yourself as an equal partner.

Love how OP keeps skipping over questions like this lol. Easy to see he wants a pat on his back but hasn’t really done much introspection. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your girlfriend been married before? Have kids? Want (more) kids? What is your custody arrangement?

You probably learned from your first marriage. You’re probably also still in a honeymoon phase.

More self-awareness never hurts. I think you should reflect on who you are, and what you need, and how your girlfriend fits into that. Are you still looking for someone else to meet your unmet needs, or have you learned to self soothe? Who is she and what does she need? Can she meet her own unmet needs? Or do you just like having sex with each other (that’s valid)?

Be careful about making her a permanent fixture in your life, especially if she has kids (risk of breaking up is significantly higher), or wants kids (it’s hard to be a half-time kid when there are full time kids in the house).

And it’s likely your marriage didn’t fall apart because you didn’t have enough date nights. It likely fell apart because of the contempt your ex felt for your Disney Dad routine. You can’t fix that with roses and date nights, but you also don’t know if that’s going to be a problem in your next relationship until you actually have shared responsibilities.

OP here. You have raised very good questions. And honestly I haven't done that deep dive. I did some in therapy. Perhaps I should still remain in therapy.

My GF is not divorced but she has a child from a prior relationship. I don't think we will try to have kids should we get married in the future.

Oh don’t be so naive! You don’t think a 34 year old woman would want more kids than 1 and to “get it right” this time now that she’s finally married? I see many rounds of IVF in your future, especially because of your age not hers.

[Anonymous]

It made me sick to read your post. You treated your children’s mother/wife like crap, now you think you deserve a nice relationship.
Nope

[Anonymous]

My friend is in a relationship like this and sometimes I envy her. Both she and her new husband have children, but not together. So when they are together, they can just focus on each other. Its a fresh start. But you are joking yourself if you think you are "better" OP. You just don't share children, which is the root of all stress in married relationships, or at least it is in mine.

[Anonymous]

Fellow divorced dad here. A couple of (not necessarily related) thoughts and questions:

1) You may not be in the "honeymoon" period, however you are still in a relatively low pressure situation. I assume you are not sharing space with this younger woman, so you don't have the same dynamic whereby resentment and the like could grow like a fungus the way it did in your marriage. Things are easier.

2) Did you do any individual therapy after your divorce? If not, I doubt very seriously that you have grown or learned anything.

3) This can all change in a hurry if she wants here own babies. And if she does, she will articulate that very soon. Which means you will go from separate space and date nights to cohabitation and young kid stress all over again.

4) She will be approaching peak libido at a time when your own will be likely subsiding due to age. At which point, if you can't keep up and the resentment I warn of creeps in, she might step out on you. If you do marry, get a prenup.

5) You may be deluding yourself about how well your kids accepted her. As someone else said, I have no doubt they were polite. But if she takes on a bigger role in your life, you may be in for a shock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will also say that if you felt compelled to write about this here, but then every time someone points out that you are probably still in the honeymoon phase you try to counter their argument, then I think you are engaging dishonestly because you have a nagging fear that you are going to repeat the same mistakes, but this time you'll be an old, exhausted dad with a second family. So you post here, people are like "yup, sounds like you are just in the honeymoon phase," and you say, "Not so! I really HAVE changed!" You're trying to soothe that nagging little voice but no one forced you to come here asking this question . . . you did it because your subconscious is concerned.

OP here. I am indeed concerned because I don't want to repeat prior mistakes. Many who have commented have made valid points. It's just that part of me wishes I truly learned. Of course time will tell. I briefly did therapy and it helped and I am not opposed to more. It was hard for me to do therapy in the first place because I felt I didn't need it. But it was helpful and it led me not to date or see anyone even for casual sex for close to 2 years.

You don’t seem to be answering questions that might help people determine if you are mainly in the honeymoon phase or have made personal changes. You kind of gloss over them.

What are the current custody arrangements and how old are your children?

Are you at a different phase of your career, where you feel like you don’t have to work as much?

Does your girlfriend have children?

How often do you see your girlfriend during the week?

OP here.

1) we have 50/50. We have 5-2-2-5 arrangement. On the weeks I have my kids 2 times a week I see her the other 5 days. On the weeks I have them 5 days I see her once or twice. My kids are 17 and 13. Both have fully funded 529 for public schools. If they want graduate education I can't finance that.

2) I could retire today if I wanted to. I own 10 rental apartments that are paid off. After all expenses taxes and maintenance the monthly cash flow is $9k.My 401k is well funded as well

3) she has a 6 years old daughter