Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

Opposites attract, and that's great. But if he's trying to make you stop being you and start being him, that's not great. He needs to love and accept you as you are. Otherwise, this relationship will always be a power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

[Anonymous]

If you guys are going to be living together you will be joining finances and making collective decisions about spending. That doesn't mean that he's right or you're wrong, but it's not "controlling." When you are in a marriage there is no "I'll buy what I want and it's none of your business." You guys need to get on the same page about finances and spending before you get married. If you can't you should split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

And it's really nice to have a man pay your bills. No wonder she has all of this extra money to spend on BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

But clearly he doesn't want you pampering yourself. This situation would be a hard no for me.

[Anonymous]

Yeah run. Him claiming he wants to pay the bills then using it to dictate what you do with your money.

Get out before you're actually dependent on him. This is a preview of what's to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah run. Him claiming he wants to pay the bills then using it to dictate what you do with your money.

Get out before you're actually dependent on him. This is a preview of what's to come.

Yep. And lots of criticism coming your way about what you choose to buy. You will get so you feel guilty about spending any money on yourself. You definitely won't be getting any girly girl services, let alone a new dress for a wedding you go to together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

And it's really nice to have a man pay your bills. No wonder she has all of this extra money to spend on BS.

Exactly. Is he controlling or is she using him so she can save and spend as she likes w/o having to make rent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you guys are going to be living together you will be joining finances and making collective decisions about spending. That doesn't mean that he's right or you're wrong, but it's not "controlling." When you are in a marriage there is no "I'll buy what I want and it's none of your business." You guys need to get on the same page about finances and spending before you get married. If you can't you should split up.

Yes there absolutely is “I’ll buy what I want” in marriage. No good marriage involves spouses having veto power over personal spending in small amounts like manicures, when the spouse is earning their own money, and there are no extreme budgetary constraints. he is trying to control what she spends, beginning with dictating that it is OK for her to pay for groceries but not rent, because that wouldn’t be manly if she paid his rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it and moved in! That's not control. She agreed to it.