Entering an EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oooh boy.

I'm the PP in the 10+ year EA.

Every situation is nuanced... and I think many EAs are based in love and respect.

If he is 10 years younger... he's looking for a story. DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT go there. He is not your equal. He has nothing in common with you. Generation. He has never had kids. You are not going to have a few more kids with this guy.

It screams heartache and massive life f@ckup.

RUN.

And yes.. to all that asked.. it would be better to divorce and be together until you calculate the massive destruction to 4 kids still living at home and the nightmare that comes with divided assets in divorce--not to mention the plethora of reasons we married these people. My parents chose who I married...not unlike many cultures around the world. I had expectations, obligations...it doesn't make the affair of the heart any less acceptable. But you can't help who you fall for. If it had only been a few months earlier...

What I do know if that we've been highly committed to one another, without sex, for years. It's not lust or fantasy. It's love and it's swallowed me whole.

Run OP. RUN.

OP. To be clear, I don’t want an actual relationship or anything with him. I don’t care if it’s a story for him.

It’s more, I get little attention from my H, I don’t see what the harm in me getting attention elsewhere is.

This is how it starts. You think this now...but then the feelings come. The dopamine rush. The crash. The longing. Before you know it l, you'll be so focused on HIM and getting your needs met, that you subconsciously neglect kids and the problems with spouse get worse.

Don't say no one warned you.

For the record I totally get where you're coming from. I met a conscious decision too because I was so lonely, sad, desperate and figured it was no harm. My life and my marriage are in shambles because I'm in love with someone else and everything I'm not getting in the marriage is 1000x more heightened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oooh boy.

I'm the PP in the 10+ year EA.

Every situation is nuanced... and I think many EAs are based in love and respect.

If he is 10 years younger... he's looking for a story. DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT go there. He is not your equal. He has nothing in common with you. Generation. He has never had kids. You are not going to have a few more kids with this guy.

It screams heartache and massive life f@ckup.

RUN.

And yes.. to all that asked.. it would be better to divorce and be together until you calculate the massive destruction to 4 kids still living at home and the nightmare that comes with divided assets in divorce--not to mention the plethora of reasons we married these people. My parents chose who I married...not unlike many cultures around the world. I had expectations, obligations...it doesn't make the affair of the heart any less acceptable. But you can't help who you fall for. If it had only been a few months earlier...

What I do know if that we've been highly committed to one another, without sex, for years. It's not lust or fantasy. It's love and it's swallowed me whole.

Run OP. RUN.

OP. To be clear, I don’t want an actual relationship or anything with him. I don’t care if it’s a story for him.

It’s more, I get little attention from my H, I don’t see what the harm in me getting attention elsewhere is.

This is how it starts. You think this now...but then the feelings come. The dopamine rush. The crash. The longing. Before you know it l, you'll be so focused on HIM and getting your needs met, that you subconsciously neglect kids and the problems with spouse get worse.

Don't say no one warned you.

For the record I totally get where you're coming from. I met a conscious decision too because I was so lonely, sad, desperate and figured it was no harm. My life and my marriage are in shambles because I'm in love with someone else and everything I'm not getting in the marriage is 1000x more heightened.

Yes, I was there. Stop now, and focus on what is important. Trust me is not the AP. Is your family, your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

LOL--He wants nothing to do with you, other than entertainment during the most boring parts of his workday.

[Anonymous]

Don't mess around-emotionally, physically, getting used, whatever--with coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need therapy. How is cheating going to fix your marriage? Why abandon your integrity because DH did? You are clearly looking for justifications to cheat. There is no way to rationalize it because it’s never the answer. Nothing he did makes it ok.

Unconsciously, this is about punishing her husband and taking back what is understandably lost . It’s also the hoops of an exit. Typical cheater vibe. They’ll justify it to the world be rather than take their own responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

OP. So there’s really not much to improve - both H and I have tried but ultimately he’s just really not interested in me. We’ve tried to communicate and he’s admitted he just doesn’t have strong romantic feelings for me because I’m not his “type”.

We could end it but it seems ridiculous to uproot our kids lives over this.

I’ve brought up an open marriage which he’s against. So not really sure what else I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

Right. Instead of either leaving or actually trying to improve their marriage, be present and communicate honestly, these people take the slimy, no integrity, coward's approach.

Or…the efforts to improve the marriage and communicate honestly have not resulted in any changes, so whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

I am sorry you had this experience. My case is different and not universal. I don’t regret about not engaging in a pointless fight - that’s not how I want to spend my time with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

In my case the resentment was building up because they were too busy reading the sweet or funny message on their phone instead of spending time with the family

I am sorry you had this experience. My case is different and not universal. I don’t regret about not engaging in a pointless fight - that’s not how I want to spend my time with the family.

OP. This is exactly how I feel. Ultimately I want to spend time with H, but every time I bring up “hey it’s been a few weeks since we’ve spent time together/gone on a date/had sex” it turns into an argument where he airs every grievance against me like “well I called you in the middle of the workday and you couldn’t even talk for 10 minutes! YOU need to put in the effort!” And like….at this point I’d rather just go elsewhere than have every bid for connection turn into an argument.

[Anonymous]

My coworker and I started as an EA and now it’s a PA. Very hard to keep just EA when you interact and see each other daily.

I don’t know how things will end but it will be hard and painful since we have feelings for each other.

Let me paraphrase for you "me me me me me." I cannot relate at all to people with no conscience and no integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

I could give you all sorts of reasons based on integrity and your love for your kids and everything, but the real answer to this is because you will pay a price for it much higher than any rush it ever gave you. Read up on the hormones of falling in love, how we bond to other people and why that biologically makes sense. That's all that this is. And those hormones feel GOOD. And we don't have them for our long time partner.

But they will end. Maybe not right away, because an affair involves intermittent reinforcement and wanting what you can't have, so the pining lasts longer. But it won't come to any good.

So sure, if it was just have this EA today and then walk away unscathed tomorrow, a fair number of people would say it wasn't the worst thing considering your husband's history. But that's not how this will go. Don't lie to yourself about it. You had enough self-awareness to admit that you're having an EA; that's a good start. Keep going and choose good things for yourself and your kids (and, yes, your H too). And choose good things for your coworker. Is a married woman with kids what's good for him right now? If it is, then he's got his own problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

The guy at work is a dirtbag, surely you know that. Don't be a dirtbag yourself, OP.

Exactly. And if you must be a dirtbag, have the human decency to get a divorce first.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you set boundaries up front with the EA and leave zero trace for your husband to find out. That means no texting or messaging on social media.