Entering an EA

[Anonymous]

He just wants in you your pantie$.

[Anonymous]

A PP nailed it...don't poop where you eat, OP. Do you really want to jeopardize your career for this? Because in these situations, the woman always gets the short end of the stick regardless of how things went. ("He's just a man, she's a whore.") And it will be that way, especially in your case, with you being much older than the OM. If you are hell-bent on doing this (and I would not recommend it, BTDT and nothing good ultimately came out of it) then find someone you have no outside connection with so if/when it goes south you can just walk away.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s terrible that you are even considering acting on your wild thoughts. Seriously terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

When my wife had an affair what my therapist told me frankly shocked me. She told me that women will cheat if they are not emotionally happy. She went further by claiming that such behavior from women is normal because women are very emotional. That was her lame attempt to convince me to take my cheating wife back. I didn't..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

OP I responded very early in your thread and now that you have added more details I can tell you that I have been in virtually the EXACT same situation as you:

unhappy marriage long term
11 year younger guy
WFH, both pretty bored and entertaining each other during the day
both pretty lonely and in a bad place
hours long conversations

Please, please, please don't do anything with this dude. Back off. This was several years ago but in retrospect I am SO EMBARRASSED of my behavior even though my other coworkers don't seem to have noticed anything and it never got past a "close friendship." Nothing really happened. I was crushing so hard on this guy and I realized later it wasn't reciprocated, I was just very lonely and he was just friendly/flirty and a young dude with nothing better to do. I don't know what he thought of me, I know we were friends, but it was definitely more meaningful to me than it was to him. It was sort of my dream that this guy had a crush on me. Ugh. So embarrassing. Just drop it and keep things friendly and professional. Please! I am cringing just thinking about it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

OP I responded very early in your thread and now that you have added more details I can tell you that I have been in virtually the EXACT same situation as you:

unhappy marriage long term
11 year younger guy
WFH, both pretty bored and entertaining each other during the day
both pretty lonely and in a bad place
hours long conversations

Please, please, please don't do anything with this dude. Back off. This was several years ago but in retrospect I am SO EMBARRASSED of my behavior even though my other coworkers don't seem to have noticed anything and it never got past a "close friendship." Nothing really happened. I was crushing so hard on this guy and I realized later it wasn't reciprocated, I was just very lonely and he was just friendly/flirty and a young dude with nothing better to do. I don't know what he thought of me, I know we were friends, but it was definitely more meaningful to me than it was to him. It was sort of my dream that this guy had a crush on me. Ugh. So embarrassing. Just drop it and keep things friendly and professional. Please! I am cringing just thinking about it!!!

Would it have changed anything if he DID have crush back ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

OP I responded very early in your thread and now that you have added more details I can tell you that I have been in virtually the EXACT same situation as you:

unhappy marriage long term
11 year younger guy
WFH, both pretty bored and entertaining each other during the day
both pretty lonely and in a bad place
hours long conversations

Please, please, please don't do anything with this dude. Back off. This was several years ago but in retrospect I am SO EMBARRASSED of my behavior even though my other coworkers don't seem to have noticed anything and it never got past a "close friendship." Nothing really happened. I was crushing so hard on this guy and I realized later it wasn't reciprocated, I was just very lonely and he was just friendly/flirty and a young dude with nothing better to do. I don't know what he thought of me, I know we were friends, but it was definitely more meaningful to me than it was to him. It was sort of my dream that this guy had a crush on me. Ugh. So embarrassing. Just drop it and keep things friendly and professional. Please! I am cringing just thinking about it!!!

Would it have changed anything if he DID have crush back ?

Umm I can’t be sure that he did or didn’t because we didn’t have some conversation about it THANK GOD. I think he did like me, the way you like an attractive older colleague who is married and essentially off limits. He had a pretty good character and I don’t think it occurred to him that anything was really possible.

Flirting with a guy who is 11 years younger get than you while you are married is embarrassing. You just need to really absorb that, OP. Just because no one else is around to hear you doesn’t make it less embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

OP I responded very early in your thread and now that you have added more details I can tell you that I have been in virtually the EXACT same situation as you:

unhappy marriage long term
11 year younger guy
WFH, both pretty bored and entertaining each other during the day
both pretty lonely and in a bad place
hours long conversations

Please, please, please don't do anything with this dude. Back off. This was several years ago but in retrospect I am SO EMBARRASSED of my behavior even though my other coworkers don't seem to have noticed anything and it never got past a "close friendship." Nothing really happened. I was crushing so hard on this guy and I realized later it wasn't reciprocated, I was just very lonely and he was just friendly/flirty and a young dude with nothing better to do. I don't know what he thought of me, I know we were friends, but it was definitely more meaningful to me than it was to him. It was sort of my dream that this guy had a crush on me. Ugh. So embarrassing. Just drop it and keep things friendly and professional. Please! I am cringing just thinking about it!!!

But didn’t you enjoy it while it lasted? Are you still in touch with him as friends?

I was in the same situation - he is 12 years younger and additionally, he was my boss. It was pleasing to receive so much attention: he asked so many thoughtful questions and remembered every detail that I shared with him. He left the company a few months ago, and I’m not sure if we’ll continue to stay in touch. From what I see, he doesn’t mind talking with me once in a while and our conversations are still very enjoyable but it’s definitely not a sustainable relationship. I suffered for a few months because I got so attached to him but it’s getting better now, as we are in the no contact stage.

[Anonymous]

Slightly different perspective here from male boss having what most would consider an EA , with female subordinate of same age, both married with no glaring issues in relationship. There are plenty of people who want to enjoy newness or variety in their social life without cheating or even distracting from their primary relationship. In particular in the world of remote work this can often happen with minimal distractions where colleagues only see each other physically a few times per year.

People may choose to drink beer, surf porn, or watch sports during the work day as well (all real things we saw happen in our work places particularly during covid). Not saying that every opposite sex friendship is appropriate and above board but generally the line is a lot murkier than what DCUM makes it out to be. Unless there is blatant harassment by one party or it crossed the line into clearly sexual activity , this is far from the worst distraction one can have during the workday (and probably less awkward and gossip inciting than doing the same in your kid / parent social circle, which for most of us is the main thing outside of work) .

All that being said the fact OP is talking for 3+ hours with someone 10 years younger raises some red flags, as there isn’t the base of shared experiences there may be with someone similar age (and super odd he’s devoting this time to you rather than dating online or out and about ).

[Anonymous]

Here is the truth. Your marriage is over. Your husband says you're not his "type" and you're looking for love in all the wrong places.

Divorce is awful and scary. But letting this whole sh@t show implode in front of your children is worse.

Be amicable and friendly and move on with your life. Your kids will see a happier, healthier version of both parents.

[Anonymous]

He’s bored and he thinks you’re easy. He wants to have sex.

I have a friend who often has these close male friends at work that almost cross the line. She is very flattered by the attention. Now I can see they simply think she’s easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

When my wife had an affair what my therapist told me frankly shocked me. She told me that women will cheat if they are not emotionally happy. She went further by claiming that such behavior from women is normal because women are very emotional. That was her lame attempt to convince me to take my cheating wife back. I didn't..

That...shocked you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s bored and he thinks you’re easy. He wants to have sex.

I have a friend who often has these close male friends at work that almost cross the line. She is very flattered by the attention. Now I can see they simply think she’s easy.

How’s she easy if she doesn’t cross the line? Maybe she’s just easy to talk to.

[Anonymous]

The wives always think the APs are easy, because if they knew how hard their husbands worked to get with another woman they would never be able to reconcile.

Once you get caught you are going to downplay the relationship and pretend they meant nothing to you, but it’s all more lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

When my wife had an affair what my therapist told me frankly shocked me. She told me that women will cheat if they are not emotionally happy. She went further by claiming that such behavior from women is normal because women are very emotional. That was her lame attempt to convince me to take my cheating wife back. I didn't..

That...shocked you?

LOL, I thought the same thing. How is it a surprise that women who are emotionally neglected will go elsewhere?