Entering an EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

I don't think you did your spouse, your kids, or yourself any favors by taking this approach.

You don’t and I do. My spouse loves bickering, and until now I took the bait. It’s draining. I grey rock now and feel wonderful after years of being in a fight mode.

What happens when the EA ends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

A detached relationship where you refuse to communicate in order to avoid conflict is BETTER than divorce?

Yes, a low-conflict relationship is better. Not everything needs to be solved through conflict. DH is an amazing, involved, caring dad—just a lousy spouse. The kids are older and notice conflict. They were miserable when I cried, scared when their dad tried to instigate a fight, and hoping for me to lash out. They are happy now. I am happy now. DH is a bit confused but quieter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. If your feelings for your work friend and his for you turn out to be real--it will be the most miserable and painful experience of your life.

I've been in an EA (infrequent and now ended PA because of guilt and shame) for over a decade. We love each other. Deepest confidants. Devoted friends. Long term commitment to be in each other lives. But we cannot be together. Neither of us can blow up families. (I know I'm about to get flamed. We both have extenuating circumstances in our marriages and in many ways, the emotional satisfaction from this relationship has probably prolonged marriages.) We try to keep a distance physically (the physical temptation makes it impossible to be alone) but we are each others first phone call on the way to work, last text message before bed.

As much as I deeply love him, it is also what tortures me most. Even after all these years.

If you want to be with someone else, leave NOW and go be with that person. Getting into a forbidden love is honestly the worst possible thing. It will lead you nowhere but heartache and it will leave whatever chance you have to be happy in your marriage ruined.

Please take this advice. RUN.

“But honey, I was banging my secretary to *save* our marriage!”

It’s sometimes true, though. EA took away the feeling of resentment towards my spouse. I let many potential fights fizzle out, because there is a funny or sweet message on my phone, and I have no time or interest in arguing.

I don't think you did your spouse, your kids, or yourself any favors by taking this approach.

You don’t and I do. My spouse loves bickering, and until now I took the bait. It’s draining. I grey rock now and feel wonderful after years of being in a fight mode.

What happens when the EA ends?

I don't know. I am enjoying the ride for now.

[Anonymous]

Life is short so don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an outlet for stress relief that doesn’t cross the line, as these situations are usually not a black and white choice between one relationship or another.

First off definition of EA is murky until it becomes PA, if it ever becomes one. Many times if both parties are married they’re happy having the diversion without going down that path, especially if they don’t even see each other physically on a regular basis.

Also not clear to me why a close opposite-sex friendship is necessarily worse than, say, going out boozing or golfing with male friends all the time in a way that disrupts the relationship. Very situational and somewhat dependent on what the partner’s pet peeves are

[Anonymous]

No advice on whether you should or shouldn’t have the EA, just a recommendation to take the rose colored glasses off regarding this guy at work. Some men are so good at sniffing out women who need and want that kind of validation. They are predators that hone in on this kind of vulnerability. They are not good people. No matter what you do, you need to watch your back with this one. Ethics aside, I would cut it based on what I’ve learned as a middle aged woman about these guys. They’re slime.

[Anonymous]

There are many healthy ways to have close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Friendships can and should complement your primary relationship/marriage. But if you are entering a relationship with the explicit view that this person substitutes for things you want from your spouse, that's asking for unhappiness in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

[Anonymous]

My coworker and I started as an EA and now it’s a PA. Very hard to keep just EA when you interact and see each other daily.

I don’t know how things will end but it will be hard and painful since we have feelings for each other.

[Anonymous]

I have feelings for my coworker but I don’t think they do for me. We don’t see each other much anymore. Very little time passes by that I don’t think about them. All you can do is move forward one day at a time OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your coworker actually interested in you or 1. are they just bored at work or 2. do they need you for something work related?

OP. It’s really a combination of all 3. He’s nearly 10 years younger so I know he doesn’t take any of it seriously. It’s a lot of flirting and talking about our lives.

For sure it’s boredom on both of our parts. We both WFH so we get bored and lonely. We both help each other out with work stuff.

For the record I don’t expect this is going to lead to me leaving H and he and I ride off into the sunset. Like I’m very clear I’m not blowing up my kids’ lives and he’s very clear he plans on settling down and having his own kids. It’s more like, I’m lonely in my marriage, he’s lonely because he focuses so much on work he doesn’t date, we vibe, so we talk and flirt a lot.

[Anonymous]

Oooh boy.

I'm the PP in the 10+ year EA.

Every situation is nuanced... and I think many EAs are based in love and respect.

If he is 10 years younger... he's looking for a story. DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT go there. He is not your equal. He has nothing in common with you. Generation. He has never had kids. You are not going to have a few more kids with this guy.

It screams heartache and massive life f@ckup.

RUN.

And yes.. to all that asked.. it would be better to divorce and be together until you calculate the massive destruction to 4 kids still living at home and the nightmare that comes with divided assets in divorce--not to mention the plethora of reasons we married these people. My parents chose who I married...not unlike many cultures around the world. I had expectations, obligations...it doesn't make the affair of the heart any less acceptable. But you can't help who you fall for. If it had only been a few months earlier...

What I do know if that we've been highly committed to one another, without sex, for years. It's not lust or fantasy. It's love and it's swallowed me whole.

Run OP. RUN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oooh boy.

I'm the PP in the 10+ year EA.

Every situation is nuanced... and I think many EAs are based in love and respect.

If he is 10 years younger... he's looking for a story. DO NOT. I REPEAT DO NOT go there. He is not your equal. He has nothing in common with you. Generation. He has never had kids. You are not going to have a few more kids with this guy.

It screams heartache and massive life f@ckup.

RUN.

And yes.. to all that asked.. it would be better to divorce and be together until you calculate the massive destruction to 4 kids still living at home and the nightmare that comes with divided assets in divorce--not to mention the plethora of reasons we married these people. My parents chose who I married...not unlike many cultures around the world. I had expectations, obligations...it doesn't make the affair of the heart any less acceptable. But you can't help who you fall for. If it had only been a few months earlier...

What I do know if that we've been highly committed to one another, without sex, for years. It's not lust or fantasy. It's love and it's swallowed me whole.

Run OP. RUN.

OP. To be clear, I don’t want an actual relationship or anything with him. I don’t care if it’s a story for him.

It’s more, I get little attention from my H, I don’t see what the harm in me getting attention elsewhere is.

[Anonymous]

I like to call this: playing with fire, you’re gonna get burnt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the co worker a peer, report or supervisor? If one of the last two it will inevitably become harder to manage because of the power dynamic. If you’re having a three hour personal conversation and one of you is responsible for the others work can’t imagine the company is happy about that!

Also do you work in the same office or are you remote ? Probably easier to manage if remote as it’s less likely to immediately devolve into PA, and doesn’t disrupt daily home / school life as much.

In general I’d say go for it as long as it doesn’t make you so distracted and unfocused at work you lose your job , in which case you become even more dependent on DH

This would never be DCUM’s answer if OP were a guy

[Anonymous]

I’ve had an affair. An EA is silly. Simply sleep together. Or better yet, find a real relationship where no one has to lie or sneak around or stay married to someone they aren’t crazy about.