Entering an EA

[Anonymous]

H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’d both be happier without each other. Can you afford that?

[Anonymous]

Have fun. Life is short!

Whatever you do make sure your DH does not find out.

[Anonymous]

Is the co worker a peer, report or supervisor? If one of the last two it will inevitably become harder to manage because of the power dynamic. If you’re having a three hour personal conversation and one of you is responsible for the others work can’t imagine the company is happy about that!

Also do you work in the same office or are you remote ? Probably easier to manage if remote as it’s less likely to immediately devolve into PA, and doesn’t disrupt daily home / school life as much.

In general I’d say go for it as long as it doesn’t make you so distracted and unfocused at work you lose your job , in which case you become even more dependent on DH

[Anonymous]

What is your long term goal? If your marriage isn't going to be enough for you, it's not going to change and the logical step would be to end the marriage. Then you would be freely available for someone to give you what you need.

On the other hand, if you do the EA, and it ends...whether in a big way or it just fades...you are in the same situation you are in now. Nothing has changed. Then where are you?

I had an EA that turned into a PA and it's my biggest regret. Not only because I hurt people with my choices, but also because I sacrificed my personal integrity in order to get some superficial validation. You said your H had an EA...so you're fine stooping to his level? Sacrificing your own personal integrity too?

Is that the kind of person you really want to be?

[Anonymous]

My take on this is that this is one of those relationships where the crappy marriage turns the couple into crappy people.

Having an EA sucks. I had an EA so I speak from experience. It’s not something you should just purposefully walk into because your husband was mean to you 5 years ago. You’re going to end up getting very hurt and hurting other people even without a physical relationship. And ending an EA really, really is painful. It’s an almost impossible thing to cut off clearly.

And here is the thing about an EA- the goal is a PA. The goal is to consummate the sexual aspect of the relationship. Otherwise it’s arguably just a friendship. And with someone at work? Girl don’t poop where you eat; your reputation will be ruined.

Fix the marriage or move on. That’s the only answer here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need therapy. How is cheating going to fix your marriage? Why abandon your integrity because DH did? You are clearly looking for justifications to cheat. There is no way to rationalize it because it’s never the answer. Nothing he did makes it ok.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is all about you. There will be collateral damage - to your DH, your kids, your colleague’s wife and family. Why are you ok hurting other people?

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is a sham, you’ve set a terrible example for your kids, and you’re pursuing someone at work?

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

The guy at work is a dirtbag, surely you know that. Don't be a dirtbag yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have had a very rocky relationship for several years. I adored him, he was ambivalent about me and just sort of went along with marriage and kids. He withdrew further after kids, had his one EA (I only know of one, would not be surprised if it had been more), basically was never really satisfied with just one woman and needed outside validation.

I gave up on having a real relationship and we coasted for a long time. I figured once the kids were grown I could bail. Then he hit 45, had sort of a reverse midlife crisis, went to therapy, and decided to re-devote himself to marriage and kids. He’s done a good job, especially with the kids, but relationship stuff has always been a challenge. He’s more affectionate and interested in me than he used to be, but honestly I think he just can’t feel that way about me because I’m not what he really wanted.

I met a man through work who does feel that way about me. He’s interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, he admires me for my work. Today we had a three hour conversation and it was so effortless. We text nonstop about everything. And it is so so SO nice to have someone who cares about what I have to say, rather than zoning out and then running off.

I know I should cut it off with work guy, but I also feel, H got to go have his fun. Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I enjoy attention from someone who is actually into me?

You had a 3 hour convo at work? Or at happy hour?

[Anonymous]

He just wants to f u OP, by middle age you get that, right? That is the extent of his interest.

Why are you putting your job at risk like this? Where was this half a workday chat?

Go to Gottman couples therapy to work on your connection to DH and your lingering anger towards him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is a sham, you’ve set a terrible example for your kids, and you’re pursuing someone at work?

Yikes.

This. Wow. And putting job on the line, not discrete, OP.

[Anonymous]

You read too much fiction. Your coworker is not emotionally attracted to you because he listens to you talk about work. This is borderline workplace harassment to think there is an emotional element, let alone one that is reciprocated. Highly inappropriate!