Anyone else at the “is this it?” stage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Okay, last time with a “woe is me” post, but I was thinking about this a lot this morning.

What bothers me is: I can get the Fair Play cards and put up chore charts for the kids and H will go along with it happily. But he would never look at the house is a mess, I’m struggling, the dog is destroying everything thing, the kids are whining theyre hungry, and think “hm, we should do something to fix this. I’ll research different methods for running a home and start putting them into place”. He’ll agree to the cards or the chore chart, and he’ll do them, but I’m the one who has to make sure the kids follow through and follow-up to make sure he thought of contingencies, like what happens if he’s on duty for dinner but he’s too tired to cook (right now he just says “I’ll get takeout. Tell me what you want” and then everyone vetoed my suggestions).

Like if I did nothing, he would address things by putting the kids in front of screens all day, shutting himself in the garage to work on his hobbies, and order DoorDash 3 times a day, which he certainly can’t afford so I would have to pick up the tab and then figure out how to replace the $50k he spend on DoorDash, because if I don’t, the kids don’t have a college fund and we don’t have retirement (which he also doesn’t care about).

I just feel like if nobody else cares about any of this, why do I?

People marry people who complement them.

I am a woman and a higher earner. Everything I feel sorry for having to do myself would have normally fallen to a male breadwinner. I remind myself of this and try to keep my mouth shut. Someone has to do it. Nicer if there were two someones tackling tasks but nothing is perfectly equal.

The flip side of "Why should I care when nobody else does?" is that you can likely do whatever you want and think best without opposition.

You have "Decision Fatigue". Learn about how to address it.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decision_fatigue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

OP. I think you’re right. I grew up in a super religious/conservative family where the narrative was “families are the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do!” and everyone played the role that they were blissfully happy. It wasn’t until I had my own kids and talked with my parents that they admitted basically my entirely family was miserable.

I really wish they had been honest with me because I probably would have made a different decision. Right now life feels like I’m counting down the days until 3yo goes to college and I can finally be free and go do what I want.

You must have grown up happy if your family fooled you that well.

What is it that you want to do? Sometimes you can raise your kids to do it with you. In our family we have successfully cultivated skiing, biking, and theater as hobbies our kids will do with one parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think wanting a husband who cares that you're burnt out is not a super high bar to clear. It's low-key giving internalized misogyny from some of the posters in this thread. All this energy to call the wife a nagging shrew with unrealistic expectations, but no criticism for the husband that provides zero mental and emotional support to his spouse, even after she's told him his passivity is hurting her. Aren't the husband's expectations that his wife is the family's personal assistant unrealistic?

OP’s husband is not posting. We can’t change him. All I can tell you is that when I was in OP’s shoes, I cared more about finding a way of the chaos rather than whether my husband cared we were in chaos. This can be solved with minimizing their responsibilities and joint planning on the weekend. I have no idea why posters like you resist that and turn to misogyny and what’s wrong her DH instead. Hint; that’s not actually going to make the dog stop chewing things or her stop counting the days til her *3* year old goes to college.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update.

I tried talking with H and telling him I’m overwhelmed and just need someone to take over for a couple days. He walked away, but I thought he got it because this morning he made breakfast, picked what activity to do with the kids, and got them ready. I got to get out of the house to walk the dog for a bit which helped a lot.

I was feeling better and in the car he mentioned he’s going to do all his cleaning this afternoon. Awesome. Then he asks if he gets everything done today, can he leave for the day tomorrow to go do his hobby, which will be a full day from 7am to 4pm (and then of course in the evening is the Super Bowl, which he will want to watch).

I started crying and got really upset that he sees me struggling, and his response is to ask if he can go take a day off. Like WTF.

He thinks I’m overreacting and just keeps saying “I just wanted to ask! It’s okay if you say no! What’s wrong with asking?!” and I feel he should be able to read the room enough to know when I’ve been crying nonstop for two days because I’m overwhelmed it’s probably not the best time to ask to leave for a full day.

[Anonymous]

What does your H do for a living?

[Anonymous]

Can I help you?!
I get it, it’s not easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

I tried talking with H and telling him I’m overwhelmed and just need someone to take over for a couple days. He walked away, but I thought he got it because this morning he made breakfast, picked what activity to do with the kids, and got them ready. I got to get out of the house to walk the dog for a bit which helped a lot.

I was feeling better and in the car he mentioned he’s going to do all his cleaning this afternoon. Awesome. Then he asks if he gets everything done today, can he leave for the day tomorrow to go do his hobby, which will be a full day from 7am to 4pm (and then of course in the evening is the Super Bowl, which he will want to watch).

I started crying and got really upset that he sees me struggling, and his response is to ask if he can go take a day off. Like WTF.

He thinks I’m overreacting and just keeps saying “I just wanted to ask! It’s okay if you say no! What’s wrong with asking?!” and I feel he should be able to read the room enough to know when I’ve been crying nonstop for two days because I’m overwhelmed it’s probably not the best time to ask to leave for a full day.

Did you say that: I’m overwhelmed and I’d prefer that you not be gone for the who day + Super Bowl parties? If you did, what was the reaction.

You really need to see a therapist. I would feel pretty miserable in your DH’s shoes too, looking for an escape. You guys have been a life that neither of you seems to be able to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:39F with 2 kids 9yo and 3yo. Been struggling with the “is this all there is” for awhile.

H is a good guy but just can’t handle the realities of kids. He can’t plan ahead, can’t remember everything that needs to be done, can’t handle kids being kids and gets frustrated easily.

Kids are great but a handful. Oldest hates school so every morning is a battle. Youngest is 3 so just angry at the world all the time.

I feel that 90% of my brainpower goes towards managing the house. H, did you schedule the 3 year checkup. Did you order the groceries. What are you planning for dinner. Will you be finished cooking by 6:30.

Even just tonight, I hit a wall and just couldn’t make another damn decision. I went to order a salad and literally said “Caesar. No, the chicken pecan. No, the Caesar. No, wait, the chicken pecan. No the Caesar….can you just pick one” to the cashier. H and I had talked about taking the kids to an event tonight but I just couldn’t muster the brainpower to figure out what time to leave, where to park, where to get dinner, getting the kids up and moving because they’ll throw a fit….i asked H if he could just handle it this one time because I’m drained and he decided we won’t go because I have “bad energy he doesn’t want to be around”.

I’m also gaining weight like crazy because I never have time to workout anymore and I eat too much junk because I’m just so mentally drained.

I was out of town last week for work and it was so great. I felt so happy. I thought I wanted a family but reality is I don’t want to be around any of them because everything is always a battle trying to get anybody to do anything and nobody gives a sh!t about any of it.

It is not normal for a 3 yo to be angry at the world all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

My guess is the times he has done things of his own initiative you have criticized the way he did it. Your description of your hyper vigilance over what AND how he does things is the tell. You have conditioned him to not take any initiative and to check with you first because he learned from the grief you gave him previously and doesn’t want to experience that again.

It’s a pretty common dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

I tried talking with H and telling him I’m overwhelmed and just need someone to take over for a couple days. He walked away, but I thought he got it because this morning he made breakfast, picked what activity to do with the kids, and got them ready. I got to get out of the house to walk the dog for a bit which helped a lot.

I was feeling better and in the car he mentioned he’s going to do all his cleaning this afternoon. Awesome. Then he asks if he gets everything done today, can he leave for the day tomorrow to go do his hobby, which will be a full day from 7am to 4pm (and then of course in the evening is the Super Bowl, which he will want to watch).

I started crying and got really upset that he sees me struggling, and his response is to ask if he can go take a day off. Like WTF.

He thinks I’m overreacting and just keeps saying “I just wanted to ask! It’s okay if you say no! What’s wrong with asking?!” and I feel he should be able to read the room enough to know when I’ve been crying nonstop for two days because I’m overwhelmed it’s probably not the best time to ask to leave for a full day.

Did you say that: I’m overwhelmed and I’d prefer that you not be gone for the who day + Super Bowl parties? If you did, what was the reaction.

You really need to see a therapist. I would feel pretty miserable in your DH’s shoes too, looking for an escape. You guys have been a life that neither of you seems to be able to handle.

OP. Yea, I told him I’m not okay with it.

My issue is that when he sees me struggling, his response is to plan a day away for himself. Rather than seeing that maybe I’m the one who needs a break.

I really can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who thinks that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

I tried talking with H and telling him I’m overwhelmed and just need someone to take over for a couple days. He walked away, but I thought he got it because this morning he made breakfast, picked what activity to do with the kids, and got them ready. I got to get out of the house to walk the dog for a bit which helped a lot.

I was feeling better and in the car he mentioned he’s going to do all his cleaning this afternoon. Awesome. Then he asks if he gets everything done today, can he leave for the day tomorrow to go do his hobby, which will be a full day from 7am to 4pm (and then of course in the evening is the Super Bowl, which he will want to watch).

I started crying and got really upset that he sees me struggling, and his response is to ask if he can go take a day off. Like WTF.

He thinks I’m overreacting and just keeps saying “I just wanted to ask! It’s okay if you say no! What’s wrong with asking?!” and I feel he should be able to read the room enough to know when I’ve been crying nonstop for two days because I’m overwhelmed it’s probably not the best time to ask to leave for a full day.

Did you say that: I’m overwhelmed and I’d prefer that you not be gone for the who day + Super Bowl parties? If you did, what was the reaction.

You really need to see a therapist. I would feel pretty miserable in your DH’s shoes too, looking for an escape. You guys have been a life that neither of you seems to be able to handle.

OP. Yea, I told him I’m not okay with it.

My issue is that when he sees me struggling, his response is to plan a day away for himself. Rather than seeing that maybe I’m the one who needs a break.

I really can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who thinks that way.

OP - the written word makes things seem harsher, but here it is. You sound very hard to live with and have unreasonable expectations. You are going to need to work on yourself first before you are in any position to decide whether he’s the problem, too. Why have you set up a life for yourself that the request for 1 Sunday alone has such dire implications for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

OP. I think you’re right. I grew up in a super religious/conservative family where the narrative was “families are the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do!” and everyone played the role that they were blissfully happy. It wasn’t until I had my own kids and talked with my parents that they admitted basically my entirely family was miserable.

I really wish they had been honest with me because I probably would have made a different decision. Right now life feels like I’m counting down the days until 3yo goes to college and I can finally be free and go do what I want.

Pp here yeah. I grew up similarly conservative evangelical Christian very Duggar esque family and church is everything always putting on a performance not dealing with actual emotions. Or that it's okay for things not to be perfect. Therapy has literally been a godsend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

I tried talking with H and telling him I’m overwhelmed and just need someone to take over for a couple days. He walked away, but I thought he got it because this morning he made breakfast, picked what activity to do with the kids, and got them ready. I got to get out of the house to walk the dog for a bit which helped a lot.

I was feeling better and in the car he mentioned he’s going to do all his cleaning this afternoon. Awesome. Then he asks if he gets everything done today, can he leave for the day tomorrow to go do his hobby, which will be a full day from 7am to 4pm (and then of course in the evening is the Super Bowl, which he will want to watch).

I started crying and got really upset that he sees me struggling, and his response is to ask if he can go take a day off. Like WTF.

He thinks I’m overreacting and just keeps saying “I just wanted to ask! It’s okay if you say no! What’s wrong with asking?!” and I feel he should be able to read the room enough to know when I’ve been crying nonstop for two days because I’m overwhelmed it’s probably not the best time to ask to leave for a full day.

Did you say that: I’m overwhelmed and I’d prefer that you not be gone for the who day + Super Bowl parties? If you did, what was the reaction.

You really need to see a therapist. I would feel pretty miserable in your DH’s shoes too, looking for an escape. You guys have been a life that neither of you seems to be able to handle.

OP. Yea, I told him I’m not okay with it.

My issue is that when he sees me struggling, his response is to plan a day away for himself. Rather than seeing that maybe I’m the one who needs a break.

I really can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who thinks that way.

Why don't you plan a day for yourself and just leave

[Anonymous]

DH did good things and got punished. Way to go.
Hire someone to clean, order groceries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

This.. Whole family could
Prob benefit from therapy.