Anyone else at the “is this it?” stage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Or another example- I’ve been really excited for Valentine’s Day and spent a bunch of time planning a menu, figuring out what movie to go see, etc. No real enthusiasm from H, just a “sounds good” and he booked a sitter. But other than that, no engagement.

I realize I’m being nitpicky but I *want* someone who also gets excited and will engage with me. It’s not just about booking a sitter and picking up flowers from the grocery store on the way home, I want someone as excited as I am and who can also take the initiative in planning what to do.

I don’t know if that makes sense. Obviously not something worth blowing up the family over, and I know most men are like this. But I’m depressed that this is all there is to life, planning stuff for a bunch of people who don’t care.

Your aspirations seem high at this particular juncture of life. It won’t always be like this but some of your requests don’t seem particularly reasonable right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job and take care of your kids. You’ll be so much happier!

Horrible advice. She won’t be able to get a divorce as easily later.

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed,.or that he's just not that into family life.

I think you could benefit from reducing your obligations. Look at your calendar and cut cut cut. Your kids' resistance to going anywhere may indicate they are feeling overscheduled.

Also, routine. Reduces cognitive load on you. Make a weekly meal plan that's basically the same each week. Make a standardized shopping list. Kids love routine and routine food.

[Anonymous]

Before you address the rest if it, have you had a checkup recently? The weight gain and brain fog might be thyroid related. Or an endocrine disorder. Just rule that out before moving into other approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

That way lies madness. For your own sanity, please realize that there is nothing you can do to cause others to share your priorities. I shower daily. DDs shower 2-3x per week at best. No amount of talking has gotten them to see things my way. DH is willing to spend unlimited time and energy socializing away from home with friends, but a regular sex is not an option. Nor is not trashing personal space that guests will never see or exercising. It's how he is. I will never be more than 5 minutes early and am usually 5 minutes late. I will never be thrifty when it comes to clothing or perfume. DH cannot change this. It's how I am. Accepting each other is the only way to stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

That way lies madness. For your own sanity, please realize that there is nothing you can do to cause others to share your priorities. I shower daily. DDs shower 2-3x per week at best. No amount of talking has gotten them to see things my way. DH is willing to spend unlimited time and energy socializing away from home with friends, but a regular sex is not an option. Nor is not trashing personal space that guests will never see or exercising. It's how he is. I will never be more than 5 minutes early and am usually 5 minutes late. I will never be thrifty when it comes to clothing or perfume. DH cannot change this. It's how I am. Accepting each other is the only way to stay together.

OP. I get that, I think my issue is I’m contemplating if I can accept it. The thought of spending the rest of my life this way is so depressing.

The kids are fine. I understand they’re kids, and there is the light at the end of the tunnel of when they get older.

But with H, I just don’t know. He wants to do many of the same things I do, like travel and date nights and sex, but ultimately he can’t put forth the effort to either plan them or earn the money for them. I know retirement for him will just be puttering around the garage all day and I just can’t.

[Anonymous]

OP. Okay, last time with a “woe is me” post, but I was thinking about this a lot this morning.

What bothers me is: I can get the Fair Play cards and put up chore charts for the kids and H will go along with it happily. But he would never look at the house is a mess, I’m struggling, the dog is destroying everything thing, the kids are whining theyre hungry, and think “hm, we should do something to fix this. I’ll research different methods for running a home and start putting them into place”. He’ll agree to the cards or the chore chart, and he’ll do them, but I’m the one who has to make sure the kids follow through and follow-up to make sure he thought of contingencies, like what happens if he’s on duty for dinner but he’s too tired to cook (right now he just says “I’ll get takeout. Tell me what you want” and then everyone vetoed my suggestions).

Like if I did nothing, he would address things by putting the kids in front of screens all day, shutting himself in the garage to work on his hobbies, and order DoorDash 3 times a day, which he certainly can’t afford so I would have to pick up the tab and then figure out how to replace the $50k he spend on DoorDash, because if I don’t, the kids don’t have a college fund and we don’t have retirement (which he also doesn’t care about).

I just feel like if nobody else cares about any of this, why do I?

[Anonymous]

Ok. I'm sorry that your husband is like this. At least he does the chores?

I think you need to first focus on making your own life manageable. 1) Meal routine and routine grocery list. 2) Lay in a supply of quick frozen food so that you're never needing DoorDash. That will take the pressure off dinner which seems like it's a real struggle point for you.

It's a red flag to me that you say "everyone vetoed my suggestions." Kids don't get a veto! You're the adult, you decide the food and that's that. They can eat it or not eat it. Stop trying to have a happy family where people cheerfully cooperate-- that's not in the cards for you right now. Instead, shoot for a family life that's manageable FOR YOU, where your and the kids' *needs* are met.

It really does sound like your DH is depressed. No executive functioning ability, really tired, no enthusiasm for things... yep.

[Anonymous]

Did he actively want the kids or just go along for the ride?

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to walk away. Not from your husband but from the frustrating stuff some days. Pick a night and sign up for a workout class. Leave the house and don't come back until bedtim is done. It will be amazing. It will be really hard for DH but he will manage. It can be the pizza bight if he takes the easy way outs maybe they won't be bathed, but you will get a mental break for caring for everyone. I did that for a year straight when youngest was 3 as she was adamant if only mommy for bedtime and it was unsustainable. For a while I did the workout class, then did a late workday and dinner/ikea out. Whatever. And the kids do feed off your negative energy. It sounds mean but it's true. When I pick them up with a smile and a joke most of the time it turns their sour mood around.
And stop nagging your spouse. Decide Sunday what days they are in for dinner and leave it. At worst it'll be toast or scrambled eggs and frozen peas. People won't learn to do stuff themselves if someone's always reminding or saving them last minute.

OP. The nights off are a good idea, I’ll give that a shot.

It’s not so much nagging, like I legit don’t care if we have eggs and peas or toast or takeout or whatever. I don’t really know how to explain it…it’s like, I just want to have to stop being the decision-maker. H will very happily say “I’ll make dinner! Just tell me what you want and I’ll make it”. When what I want is to just come home and dinner is made.

Or we still haven’t potty trained 3yo and H says “I’m happy to help! Just tell me what to do” when what I want is someone who cares enough to initiate the discussion on how we should potty train, research methods, etc.

I also want him to be able to step in and help when he recognizes I’m mentally failing. Like tonight when I was crying and said please, I can’t take being the one to make all these decisions and fight the kids on getting ready to go, I want him to say no problem I’ve got it. But instead he walks away and decides we just won’t go because that’s easier.

Tell him dinner is on him and then leave it at that. Have a backup you can microwave if he fails and the kids are hungry. Try again the next time. Just STOP making decisions for him.

In terms of him not listening to/caring about you, that would upset me a lot. Can you discuss it at a time that you're not feeling overwhelmed? But if you don't want to make something happen and he doesn't either, then probably try to be ok with it not happening. There are things my husband will do that need to be done, but then there are other things that if I want them to happen, I need to be able to make them happen. At times when I'm really busy with other things, those things just may not happen, and that's ok. If he's saying well I guess the kids just won't see the doctor for their annual checkups because he doesn't want to do it, that's a problem. If it's not going to a movie, that is not a problem.

Decision fatigue is real, and it's ok to say I've had enough of it. It's also possible some sort of SSRI would be helpful for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

If this is your goal, you will be perpetually unhappy. No one wants to do the dishes.

Sit down with your husband and discuss the tasks that need to be done. My husband and I switch mornings, so MWF I do the kids before school and he does the dogs, TT we switch. Weekends one of us does the dogs Saturday, the other Sunday (the kids can get themselves cereal in the morning). He does trash and recycling - taking it out of the house when it's full, putting them on the curb and bringing them back in. I never think about the trash. I do all the clothes laundry (the kids put theirs away but I wash it still because I don't trust them to stain treat/clean appropriately at this age). He washes all the beds (ours, kids, dogs) once a week. We share dishes - they get done when you're in the kitchen. I order all the groceries, he puts them away. We take turns cooking. I could go on and on, but you need to sit down and figure out who does what. Is it infuriating for a grown ass man to not know what needs to be done around the house? Absolutely. I'd kill my husband if I had to tell him that the kids need water bottles for school every morning, but it sounds like maybe your husband is kind of like that. So instead of wishing/expecting that he'll change, just assign him the tasks and then walk away. And if he doesn't do them, then either take them on, hire someone to do them, or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

I'm really sorry, OP, that doesn't sound at all like a good life. I'd get yourself into therapy, it's possible you're depressed and that's making everything worse. At the very least you may be able to elevate your mood.

Your kids are young and those ages can be hard (my kids were easier by 9 but they're twins so I never had two of different ages and 3 is definitely hard!).

Can you work on some sort of reward system with your kids to make things go easier when you try to leave the house. Also, if they're throwing a fit about doing something fun...maybe it isn't fun for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Or another example- I’ve been really excited for Valentine’s Day and spent a bunch of time planning a menu, figuring out what movie to go see, etc. No real enthusiasm from H, just a “sounds good” and he booked a sitter. But other than that, no engagement.

I realize I’m being nitpicky but I *want* someone who also gets excited and will engage with me. It’s not just about booking a sitter and picking up flowers from the grocery store on the way home, I want someone as excited as I am and who can also take the initiative in planning what to do.

I don’t know if that makes sense. Obviously not something worth blowing up the family over, and I know most men are like this. But I’m depressed that this is all there is to life, planning stuff for a bunch of people who don’t care.

I'm going to gently suggest that you rearrange your thinking here. What is it that you're excited about for Valentine's Day? You said you're planning a menu, so you're looking forward to cooking an elaborate meal at home? I understand wanting to do that, I like cooking and I appreciate when I have extra time to do so, but if no one else will appreciate that you may be setting yourself up for failure.

You want to go see a movie but if you're also cooking a big meal, what time are you going to the movies on a Friday after school and work that isn't going to result in your three-year old having a total meltdown at being out until 10 pm?

Your husband booked a sitter, that's not nothing. You need to be able to take the victories where you can. You sound like unless he meets your exact level of excitement you will be disappointed. That's a standard he's likely tired of trying to meet.

Was he a planner when you were dating? I assume you've been together for at least 10 years. Did he used to plan fun stuff? Did he used to get excited about making a meal? It's quite possible that he's struggling with a mid-life crisis so maybe instead of harping on him you could tell him you notice he's changed and he doesn't seem like the same guy he was before kids and what can you do to help him get back to there?

I'm not trying to be mean, but you seem to expect to have everyone cater to you in a way that's unreasonable. Your kids and husband shouldn't be ungrateful jerks, but expecting everyone to be hyped about your plans isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

OP. I think you’re right. I grew up in a super religious/conservative family where the narrative was “families are the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do!” and everyone played the role that they were blissfully happy. It wasn’t until I had my own kids and talked with my parents that they admitted basically my entirely family was miserable.

I really wish they had been honest with me because I probably would have made a different decision. Right now life feels like I’m counting down the days until 3yo goes to college and I can finally be free and go do what I want.