Anyone else at the “is this it?” stage?

[Anonymous]

He will never be proactive. Learn to look for what he does provide - good job, loving father, whatever, and ask for the rest. My dh is the same way and I'm frankly happiest when I accept my lot, ask for what I need, and lower expectations. No one is perfect.

Give your nine year old some chores. They are old enough.

[Anonymous]

You’re fighting the wrong battles and not really thinking of solutions at all. The fact is you can’t depend on your husband. Don’t waste your breath being upset over any of it. He won’t change.
You need a nanny or part time household help to remove any cleaning, cooking, etc. If you need to pause college savings to do this right now, then so be it. Use this energy to continue building your career and seeing a therapist.

The therapist will help with the disconnect between your previous notions of family life and reality (which you’ve since found out was bullshit. That is pretty unnerving to uncover your life was pretty much a lie). You need to reset your expectations. The point of this is for you to go to therapy- NOT to change your husband.

You’ll likely be getting divorced, as it sounds like he can’t even support the family financially and doesn’t care emotionally, checked out mentally. What is the point in being married to a boy who is contributing absolutely nothing? Start getting dead inside so you can methodically move through this process without drama. Why waste your energy on him when you have kids who clearly need support. They are more important than your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your whole family should be screened for ADD, OP. Meds and an executive function coach plus targeted work on emotional regulation for all 4. It can get better!

As a family of 6 whose husband was dx with adhd age 41, I agree with this!

I thought my kids were so difficult because I was a crappy mom. Turns out they’re difficult because we all have varying levels of adhd.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really sympathize with you. I too married a dud and it’s heartbreaking. I’m counting down the years until my youngest graduates, and then I’m moving on. I can’t imagine having to spend my life with someone so inconsiderate and useless. It’s not you, it’s your husband.

[Anonymous]

You can either accept your role as the family TaskRabbit and beast of burden, gaslight yourself into thinking you're an unreasonable harpy for hating it, or leave. I chose the third path and feel 20 years younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job and take care of your kids. You’ll be so much happier!

[Anonymous]

You wanted a guy that wanted to take care of you and worry about you. They exist but there are very very few. I met one in college and it was suffocating. Married someone else and he grew into it in a good way. My father was like that, he takes care of all the hard stuff (mom still cooks and cleans) but he does all the dishes, endless laundry and as many last min grocery store trips as needed. He adores her and she can do no wrong for him. She yells at him sometimes and all sorts of drama. He always took her side in any arguments I had with my mother because she's always right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Okay, last time with a “woe is me” post, but I was thinking about this a lot this morning.

What bothers me is: I can get the Fair Play cards and put up chore charts for the kids and H will go along with it happily. But he would never look at the house is a mess, I’m struggling, the dog is destroying everything thing, the kids are whining theyre hungry, and think “hm, we should do something to fix this. I’ll research different methods for running a home and start putting them into place”. He’ll agree to the cards or the chore chart, and he’ll do them, but I’m the one who has to make sure the kids follow through and follow-up to make sure he thought of contingencies, like what happens if he’s on duty for dinner but he’s too tired to cook (right now he just says “I’ll get takeout. Tell me what you want” and then everyone vetoed my suggestions).

Like if I did nothing, he would address things by putting the kids in front of screens all day, shutting himself in the garage to work on his hobbies, and order DoorDash 3 times a day, which he certainly can’t afford so I would have to pick up the tab and then figure out how to replace the $50k he spend on DoorDash, because if I don’t, the kids don’t have a college fund and we don’t have retirement (which he also doesn’t care about).

I just feel like if nobody else cares about any of this, why do I?

Is he using cannabis? Alcohol? I know that we all complain about men on this board, but it’s odd for someone to be so apathetic about his life. This sounds like substance use to me. If you aren’t sure, you can get a drug testing kit at CVS. If he’s using regularly, then you ask him to stop. If he can’t quit, then he needs to get help or you need to leave.

Also, if your husband will go along with whatever you say, I would institute a screen-free household. Kids complaining about going to a planned fun event is crazy making.

[Anonymous]

actually, yes, btdt

we had more than a few rough years when DS was 0-7... new parents, still working challenging careers, with no parental help near by. creating our village from scratch. plus a pandemic on top of that. woof, anyone would be stressed!

what worked? a year of personal therapy & meds for me, along with lots of prayer. a year of couples therapy for both. being intentional with how we speak/relate to each other.

you CAN get through this OP!

[Anonymous]

You sound like you need a divorce. Hope you have significant funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job and take care of your kids. You’ll be so much happier!

Yes, put yourself in a situation where you are financially dependent on this type of man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can either accept your role as the family TaskRabbit and beast of burden, gaslight yourself into thinking you're an unreasonable harpy for hating it, or leave. I chose the third path and feel 20 years younger.

I chose Door #3 after many years of #1 and 2. Instantly lost weight, felt sexy, got a new job, dropped friends who supported #2 (hint: they are either jealous, miserable themselves or have internalize misogyny). I struggle with the divorce and am worried about finances but I never ever regret leaving.