Anyone else at the “is this it?” stage?

[Anonymous]

39F with 2 kids 9yo and 3yo. Been struggling with the “is this all there is” for awhile.

H is a good guy but just can’t handle the realities of kids. He can’t plan ahead, can’t remember everything that needs to be done, can’t handle kids being kids and gets frustrated easily.

Kids are great but a handful. Oldest hates school so every morning is a battle. Youngest is 3 so just angry at the world all the time.

I feel that 90% of my brainpower goes towards managing the house. H, did you schedule the 3 year checkup. Did you order the groceries. What are you planning for dinner. Will you be finished cooking by 6:30.

Even just tonight, I hit a wall and just couldn’t make another damn decision. I went to order a salad and literally said “Caesar. No, the chicken pecan. No, the Caesar. No, wait, the chicken pecan. No the Caesar….can you just pick one” to the cashier. H and I had talked about taking the kids to an event tonight but I just couldn’t muster the brainpower to figure out what time to leave, where to park, where to get dinner, getting the kids up and moving because they’ll throw a fit….i asked H if he could just handle it this one time because I’m drained and he decided we won’t go because I have “bad energy he doesn’t want to be around”.

I’m also gaining weight like crazy because I never have time to workout anymore and I eat too much junk because I’m just so mentally drained.

I was out of town last week for work and it was so great. I felt so happy. I thought I wanted a family but reality is I don’t want to be around any of them because everything is always a battle trying to get anybody to do anything and nobody gives a sh!t about any of it.

[Anonymous]

Book a therapy appoinment ASAP

[Anonymous]

I was in the is this it phase when kids were toddlers and I felt like all I did was g to work and come home to chaos (not having anything to do with DH who is amazing). Time healed this mind set. Also, picking up a hobby has really helped me, but kids had to be a little older to do that.

[Anonymous]

You have to walk away. Not from your husband but from the frustrating stuff some days. Pick a night and sign up for a workout class. Leave the house and don't come back until bedtim is done. It will be amazing. It will be really hard for DH but he will manage. It can be the pizza bight if he takes the easy way outs maybe they won't be bathed, but you will get a mental break for caring for everyone. I did that for a year straight when youngest was 3 as she was adamant if only mommy for bedtime and it was unsustainable. For a while I did the workout class, then did a late workday and dinner/ikea out. Whatever. And the kids do feed off your negative energy. It sounds mean but it's true. When I pick them up with a smile and a joke most of the time it turns their sour mood around.
And stop nagging your spouse. Decide Sunday what days they are in for dinner and leave it. At worst it'll be toast or scrambled eggs and frozen peas. People won't learn to do stuff themselves if someone's always reminding or saving them last minute.

[Anonymous]

Quit your job and take care of your kids. You’ll be so much happier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to walk away. Not from your husband but from the frustrating stuff some days. Pick a night and sign up for a workout class. Leave the house and don't come back until bedtim is done. It will be amazing. It will be really hard for DH but he will manage. It can be the pizza bight if he takes the easy way outs maybe they won't be bathed, but you will get a mental break for caring for everyone. I did that for a year straight when youngest was 3 as she was adamant if only mommy for bedtime and it was unsustainable. For a while I did the workout class, then did a late workday and dinner/ikea out. Whatever. And the kids do feed off your negative energy. It sounds mean but it's true. When I pick them up with a smile and a joke most of the time it turns their sour mood around.
And stop nagging your spouse. Decide Sunday what days they are in for dinner and leave it. At worst it'll be toast or scrambled eggs and frozen peas. People won't learn to do stuff themselves if someone's always reminding or saving them last minute.

OP. The nights off are a good idea, I’ll give that a shot.

It’s not so much nagging, like I legit don’t care if we have eggs and peas or toast or takeout or whatever. I don’t really know how to explain it…it’s like, I just want to have to stop being the decision-maker. H will very happily say “I’ll make dinner! Just tell me what you want and I’ll make it”. When what I want is to just come home and dinner is made.

Or we still haven’t potty trained 3yo and H says “I’m happy to help! Just tell me what to do” when what I want is someone who cares enough to initiate the discussion on how we should potty train, research methods, etc.

I also want him to be able to step in and help when he recognizes I’m mentally failing. Like tonight when I was crying and said please, I can’t take being the one to make all these decisions and fight the kids on getting ready to go, I want him to say no problem I’ve got it. But instead he walks away and decides we just won’t go because that’s easier.

[Anonymous]

Has he been screened for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he been screened for ADHD?

OP. No. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had it. He struggles at work, too. He wants to do well but just can’t.

[Anonymous]

Everyone (both genders) goes through occasions phases of existential crises and enjoys occasional breaks from routine life. Its tough juggling kids, spouse, house, career, health, aging, social life, finances, crazy politicians, natural disasters etc. Modern human lifestyle is so hectic and stressful, more so with little kids.

[Anonymous]

I think your whole family should be screened for ADD, OP. Meds and an executive function coach plus targeted work on emotional regulation for all 4. It can get better!

[Anonymous]

Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Or another example- I’ve been really excited for Valentine’s Day and spent a bunch of time planning a menu, figuring out what movie to go see, etc. No real enthusiasm from H, just a “sounds good” and he booked a sitter. But other than that, no engagement.

I realize I’m being nitpicky but I *want* someone who also gets excited and will engage with me. It’s not just about booking a sitter and picking up flowers from the grocery store on the way home, I want someone as excited as I am and who can also take the initiative in planning what to do.

I don’t know if that makes sense. Obviously not something worth blowing up the family over, and I know most men are like this. But I’m depressed that this is all there is to life, planning stuff for a bunch of people who don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to walk away. Not from your husband but from the frustrating stuff some days. Pick a night and sign up for a workout class. Leave the house and don't come back until bedtim is done. It will be amazing. It will be really hard for DH but he will manage. It can be the pizza bight if he takes the easy way outs maybe they won't be bathed, but you will get a mental break for caring for everyone. I did that for a year straight when youngest was 3 as she was adamant if only mommy for bedtime and it was unsustainable. For a while I did the workout class, then did a late workday and dinner/ikea out. Whatever. And the kids do feed off your negative energy. It sounds mean but it's true. When I pick them up with a smile and a joke most of the time it turns their sour mood around.
And stop nagging your spouse. Decide Sunday what days they are in for dinner and leave it. At worst it'll be toast or scrambled eggs and frozen peas. People won't learn to do stuff themselves if someone's always reminding or saving them last minute.

OP. The nights off are a good idea, I’ll give that a shot.

It’s not so much nagging, like I legit don’t care if we have eggs and peas or toast or takeout or whatever. I don’t really know how to explain it…it’s like, I just want to have to stop being the decision-maker. H will very happily say “I’ll make dinner! Just tell me what you want and I’ll make it”. When what I want is to just come home and dinner is made.

Or we still haven’t potty trained 3yo and H says “I’m happy to help! Just tell me what to do” when what I want is someone who cares enough to initiate the discussion on how we should potty train, research methods, etc.

I also want him to be able to step in and help when he recognizes I’m mentally failing. Like tonight when I was crying and said please, I can’t take being the one to make all these decisions and fight the kids on getting ready to go, I want him to say no problem I’ve got it. But instead he walks away and decides we just won’t go because that’s easier.

This is normal but have to take steps to not melt into the swamp. Put yourself on a routine. Google is your friend. Google meal plan/recipe. I absolutely could not come up with meals after work while my kids were small. I needed to think about it on the weekend. Google potty training plan. Enlist help from your caregiver. The internet has everything- if you don’t care and just want the decision made, it’s out there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read “how not to hate your husband after you have kids.” Great book.

Delegate one thing to him entirely and don’t interfere/rescue. Car maintenance doesn’t count - something about the kids.

OP. That’s not the issue. The issue is more I want the people in my life to care enough to delegate things themselves, rather than wait for me to assign tasks. Sort of the “I want you to WANT to do the dishes” thing.

The kids I understand because they’re kids, but also, every day when I try to get them up and out of the house to go do fun things and they just throw a fit the entire time….H just wanting to sit at home in a dirty house all zoned out on screens…just makes me wonder what the point of it all was.

Sounds like a plan for disaster. Nobody actually wants to deal with all that chaos.