Anyone else at the “is this it?” stage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

+1. OP, many of us have been in your shoes. You have a logistical/low energy problem. You need to solve for that. But you have turned into an emotional problem. Of course, you are going to be unhappy. Your husband is hiding out from his miserable wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you. That's not say that your husband doesn't have areas he can improve on. But just going off your posts in this thread it seems you don't accept the life you have with the people you have you want to live in some fantasy TV version of family and that's just not realistic and a one way ticket to misery as is starting to happen now.

Therapy is good for you specifically for your need to control and possibly anxiety

OP. I think you’re right. I grew up in a super religious/conservative family where the narrative was “families are the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do!” and everyone played the role that they were blissfully happy. It wasn’t until I had my own kids and talked with my parents that they admitted basically my entirely family was miserable.

I really wish they had been honest with me because I probably would have made a different decision. Right now life feels like I’m counting down the days until 3yo goes to college and I can finally be free and go do what I want.

You need to see a therapist. This extreme is not normal either.

[Anonymous]

Every.single.married woman in history in the stage of life you are in. It passes quick. The days are long, but the years are short.

You work on things. You hang on. There is a lot a LOT of good on the other side. My friends and I are all empty nesters, or just one kid left at home and everyone is so happy. We are hanging out with couple friends, traveling, going to shows and loving every minute with our older, fabulous kids.

Try therapy to help you get through this tough stage. Don’t blow it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I'm sorry that your husband is like this. At least he does the chores?

I think you need to first focus on making your own life manageable. 1) Meal routine and routine grocery list. 2) Lay in a supply of quick frozen food so that you're never needing DoorDash. That will take the pressure off dinner which seems like it's a real struggle point for you.

It's a red flag to me that you say "everyone vetoed my suggestions." Kids don't get a veto! You're the adult, you decide the food and that's that. They can eat it or not eat it. Stop trying to have a happy family where people cheerfully cooperate-- that's not in the cards for you right now. Instead, shoot for a family life that's manageable FOR YOU, where your and the kids' *needs* are met.

It really does sound like your DH is depressed. No executive functioning ability, really tired, no enthusiasm for things... yep.

I agree with this. I think you are fundamentally going to need to accept your role as the family CEO. There is no way you are going to be able to change him. The fact that he will happily do whatever you assign to him is huge. Embrace that and embrace routine. Every Monday is pasta, every Tuesday is grilled chicken, etc. Agree on lay in some supplies of frozen meals for backup. My kids are teens and my DH is retired and I still do that. Find some niche your husband can handle and is interested in: handling home repairs, handing the cars, whatever it might be.

[Anonymous]

Yes. He's not going to do as much planning and initiating as you want him to and you are stuck with that. It's lonely, I know. Load him up with things he'll actually do.

Reduce the total workload by cutting back your schedule and having routines. Your 3yo does not need activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you.

Oh look, DCUM’s favorite advice.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny, therapist and go on solo vacation. Afterwards hire a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is actually you.

Oh look, DCUM’s favorite advice.

Lots of posters overlook their own ability to change their situations.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is not marriage in general, it’s your husband in particular.

I’m coming up in my 20th wedding anniversary, 3 kids, 43F and I don’t relate to the feelings you share here because my husband is a responsible adult. He’s a c-suite executive at work and a caring, hands on dad at home.

I can take off for a week tomorrow and not worry a lick. I don’t have to prepare anything ahead of time, I don’t have to arrange babysitters, I don’t have to make a long detailed schedule. He knows it all and is on top of it because he is their father and an equal co-parent.

Your husband is dead weight dragging you down. If I were you, I’d get your butts into couple counseling and tell him you are going to divorce if he doesn’t shape up asap. You’re better off as a single mom at this point because at least then, you wouldn’t be tormenting yourself about thoughts like “is this it?”

[Anonymous]

Therapy or, at a minimum, frank talk. If you think lack of planning/coordination is an issue now, if you get divorced it will be many times worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not marriage in general, it’s your husband in particular.

I’m coming up in my 20th wedding anniversary, 3 kids, 43F and I don’t relate to the feelings you share here because my husband is a responsible adult. He’s a c-suite executive at work and a caring, hands on dad at home.

I can take off for a week tomorrow and not worry a lick. I don’t have to prepare anything ahead of time, I don’t have to arrange babysitters, I don’t have to make a long detailed schedule. He knows it all and is on top of it because he is their father and an equal co-parent.

Your husband is dead weight dragging you down. If I were you, I’d get your butts into couple counseling and tell him you are going to divorce if he doesn’t shape up asap. You’re better off as a single mom at this point because at least then, you wouldn’t be tormenting yourself about thoughts like “is this it?”

+1

She married a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not marriage in general, it’s your husband in particular.

I’m coming up in my 20th wedding anniversary, 3 kids, 43F and I don’t relate to the feelings you share here because my husband is a responsible adult. He’s a c-suite executive at work and a caring, hands on dad at home.

I can take off for a week tomorrow and not worry a lick. I don’t have to prepare anything ahead of time, I don’t have to arrange babysitters, I don’t have to make a long detailed schedule. He knows it all and is on top of it because he is their father and an equal co-parent.

Your husband is dead weight dragging you down. If I were you, I’d get your butts into couple counseling and tell him you are going to divorce if he doesn’t shape up asap. You’re better off as a single mom at this point because at least then, you wouldn’t be tormenting yourself about thoughts like “is this it?”

+1

She married a dud.

Yup. And it's so hard to tell at 25 how they will turn out. I med DH at 29 and he was military and knew how to iron and clean and take care of himself. He is out now but the discipline stayed. He runs the house better than I do, I'm just a better cook. It's amazing and the kids adore him and he plans vacations, college funds, home repairs etc etc. So glad I didn't marry my college BFs who both turned out to be like OPs DH and ended up with lovely women who pull all the weight in their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is not marriage in general, it’s your husband in particular.

I’m coming up in my 20th wedding anniversary, 3 kids, 43F and I don’t relate to the feelings you share here because my husband is a responsible adult. He’s a c-suite executive at work and a caring, hands on dad at home.

I can take off for a week tomorrow and not worry a lick. I don’t have to prepare anything ahead of time, I don’t have to arrange babysitters, I don’t have to make a long detailed schedule. He knows it all and is on top of it because he is their father and an equal co-parent.

Your husband is dead weight dragging you down. If I were you, I’d get your butts into couple counseling and tell him you are going to divorce if he doesn’t shape up asap. You’re better off as a single mom at this point because at least then, you wouldn’t be tormenting yourself about thoughts like “is this it?”

+1

She married a dud.

OP has posted a whole host of problems about herself. Her husband married a delusional dud too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Okay, last time with a “woe is me” post, but I was thinking about this a lot this morning.

What bothers me is: I can get the Fair Play cards and put up chore charts for the kids and H will go along with it happily. But he would never look at the house is a mess, I’m struggling, the dog is destroying everything thing, the kids are whining theyre hungry, and think “hm, we should do something to fix this. I’ll research different methods for running a home and start putting them into place”. He’ll agree to the cards or the chore chart, and he’ll do them, but I’m the one who has to make sure the kids follow through and follow-up to make sure he thought of contingencies, like what happens if he’s on duty for dinner but he’s too tired to cook (right now he just says “I’ll get takeout. Tell me what you want” and then everyone vetoed my suggestions).

Like if I did nothing, he would address things by putting the kids in front of screens all day, shutting himself in the garage to work on his hobbies, and order DoorDash 3 times a day, which he certainly can’t afford so I would have to pick up the tab and then figure out how to replace the $50k he spend on DoorDash, because if I don’t, the kids don’t have a college fund and we don’t have retirement (which he also doesn’t care about).

I just feel like if nobody else cares about any of this, why do I?

Maybe you shouldn't anymore. He sounds like a dud. I think marriage counseling might be a really good thing to explore if he's actually interested in stepping up and being part of a family. But it sounds like if you got sick and couldn't do mom tasks for a week, he wouldn't care enough to actually step up and act like a dad. Maybe a way to reduce your stress is to remove the able-bodied adult from your home who just sits and stares while you do all the work...

[Anonymous]

I think wanting a husband who cares that you're burnt out is not a super high bar to clear. It's low-key giving internalized misogyny from some of the posters in this thread. All this energy to call the wife a nagging shrew with unrealistic expectations, but no criticism for the husband that provides zero mental and emotional support to his spouse, even after she's told him his passivity is hurting her. Aren't the husband's expectations that his wife is the family's personal assistant unrealistic?