Reply to If you faced unimaginable trauma as a child, do you ever really move on?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I like what the person said above, you move on with it. I did have a parent commit suicide, my surviving parent falling into a deep depression which made her vulnerable to a spouse that sexually and physically abused me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very angry. But all that generational trauma pushed me to leave my cycle. I am not in the best cycle, that's for sure. I have anxiety and I am very hard on myself. I can really speak down to myself. I relate to the poster wanting a mom, that is all I ever wanted for the longest time. The feeling of being safe, putting my head in my mother's lap and having her stroke my hair. I was extremely embarrassed as a child that I had a parent commit suicide. Most people don't know how to respond and a lot of people ask why. It took me a long time to understand how mentally ill someone must be to feel the world is better off without them. How sad my father must have felt to think my life would be better without him in it. As a parent now, it hurts my heart that he felt that way. I can't imagine but also the generational trauma he had was severe too.

I married young the first time. He physically abused me so that was an issue. I left and had a few toxic relationships but I met my current husband and he did provide stability and safety for me. I have repaired my relationship with my mother, as a mother myself I have come to understand that she was not able to beat her generational trauma. I have learned about her childhood from her and my aunt.

Mostly I've healed by understanding my expectations were out of reach for my parents that struggled mentally themselves. And yes, a parent should protect their children but it wasn't that they didn't love me enough to protect me but more they were fighting their own demons to see outside of their internal battles.

I definitely do carry PTSD with me. I tend to shut down when people yell because of my stepfather always screaming at me as a kid. [b]I have a tad of anger issues[/b]. I'm very independent to the point where I rather not ask for help because I never had anyone to help me growing up. And it can be something dumb like changing a tire. I will scream and cry and kick a flat tire, but I would change it myself. That being said, now I can call a service to do that for me as cars don't carry spares anymore.

I have a lot of shortcomings but overall I do love the person I am. I couldn't be that person without all of that trauma.[b] I have so much unconditional love for my children[/b] and I try to view myself as the person they see. I am strong, kind and beautiful [b]but sometimes I yell too much. [/b]

I know many people that had amazing upbringings and have many more struggles than me. No one is without struggles.

I also lift weights and am overall fairly strong because no one will ever hit me again without a fight.

You are worthy, you are beautiful with all the scars under the surface. Give yourself grace. [/quote]

These are serious problem that betray EVERYTHING else you said about how you love yourself so much and love your children unconditionally. [/quote]

It’s the rare parent who doesn’t yell sometimes. At least OP is working on it.[/quote]

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