Reply to Why do parents punish the more successful children?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.[/quote]

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.[/quote]

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. [b]Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.[/b][/quote]

There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?[/quote]

I was with you when you described many options for parenting between coddling and disowning. [b]You lost me when you pointed out how by paying thousands and thousands of dollars regularly for both your sister's family AND your family (though you guys don't need it), your parents are loving and generous. [/b]

OTOH, your ILs pay for their high-needs adult child, but nothing for your family (though you guys don't need it). Phoo! And you retaliate by spending less time with them.[/quote]

If you don’t think that’s loving and generous what do you think it is?

If you have thousands and thousands
 to spend on one kid, you probably could
do something thoughtful and helpful for another kid as well even if they don’t need it, but to show your love and appreciation for them and that their lives may also have stress that could be alleviated.[/quote]

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