I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be a problem for me if they're generally pleasant people.

Because with such people, unmarried people that are of a younger generation than theirs are categorized as "young", with fewer rights than the Smug Marrieds. There is no "+1" in such a household if you're not joined at the hip. You need to ask permission of the host. The hosts are two people, and you need to ask one of them in particular, since apparently the other defers to him. Here it happens to be the man of the house.

I know this smacks of patriarchy and misogyny (because it IS), but honestly I can see their point of view. It's old-fashioned, but there's a logic to it: they want to encourage marriage and stability and don't particularly appreciate a revolving door of casual girlfriends or boyfriends in their home.

If your boyfriend was a long-term partner, you'd do well to push back, and explain that you are committed to each other and will share a bed, even if you have personal reasons to reject the sacrament of marriage. But you only introduced him to your family last month. To the world, this is a casual boyfriend, and they will rightfully treat him as such: courteously, but at arms' length.

Me again. I know two couples in their 70s and 80s, who have been together for 40 years, and have never married: one is my aunt, and the other is a friend of the family. They are indubitably committed. It is perfectly possible to live this way and live a respected and respectable life. They have been treated as married partners for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:They’re treating you like a child because you’re living your life like one. You are much too old to be playing house. Grow up and get married already!

Where did she say they live together "playing house"? You need to take your own advice, grow up, and learn how to read.

Also, there is nothing wrong with living together IF they are. You're just an idiot.

Sleeping together under the same roof is what husbands and wives are entitled to automatically. OP seems to be mistaken as to the religious status of her family. They have a no sleeping in the same bed rule—what does she mean they are Christian but not religious? They clearly are both Christian and religious.

I mean they’re not religious because I can’t tell you the last time they went to church, brought up God, etc. outside of the no sleeping in the same bed unmarried and praying before eating…that’s as Christian as they get.

Those two things are religious practices, and just two that you know of. If you don’t want to follow their rules then don’t go. It’s a free country!

Stop it. They’re clearly not that religious if they’re allowing 19 year old boys to bring their girlfriends to spend the night. No matter this is an overreaching power move. She’s not a child.

Their 19 year olds (also not children) would have to follow the same unmarried bed rule as her. They did it just fine somehow without calling their beloved and generous aunt/mother grieving the loss of her sister a weirdo patriarchal hypocrite. Not saying OP did but the posters in this thread.

It’s not about sleeping in the same bed. This is permission for the SO to even come. Yea, a 19 y/o asking if their girlfriend can attend makes sense. A 34 year old having to ask permission from someone she not related to does not. It’s a weird power move.

[Anonymous]

Disregard the pervy uncle. If you and SO want to go with your sisters, go. Your aunt can leave if she doesn't like it. She has no right to hijack your family vacation with your sisters. The payment is a red herring -- all of you split the costs over years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.

She’s typically very outspoken and direct. Her response completely threw me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is Christian but not religious

I’m 34, almost 35, and my SO is 35. Every year my family (~20) gets a beach house for the holidays. They have a rule about unmarried couples staying in the same bed…yadda yadda. Whatever, fine. Now, this idea to all come together was my mom and her sister’s idea - There’s 5 sisters. Unfortunately, my mom passed away three months so this season will be first holiday without her. So knowing their no sleeping in the same bed rule, out of courtesy, I contacted my aunt ( the one who paid for the house this year) to ask if it’s okay to bring my SO just for one night (we have the house for a week).

She said to ask her husband, by marriage. That, “he would love it for you to ask him. Also, all of the other nephews were required to ask him as well”. The nephews with SO are 19 years old by the way….

I honestly this is incredibly weird and off putting. I’m 34, and why do I need to defer to another man who isn’t my dad?
I had to be the black sheep and sound like a brat but this makes me not want to spend that much time there if I’m going to be treated like a child.

Am I just being a brat, or is this a pretty weird ask of my aunt?

By the way, my family met my SO last month and loved him. The uncle in question turns out is really, really close to my SO’s family, so this isn’t because they dislike him.

I would be concerned that your aunt is being abused or controlled by her husband. This is very worrying for a grown woman to feel she isn’t in a place to make a judgement call about this without his input. Can you find a way to gently ask how she’s doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.

I just posted something similar. Unfortunately, I’ve seen situations like this play out before with older women. I’d find a way to check on your aunt, regardless of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.

She’s typically very outspoken and direct. Her response completely threw me off.

She was outspoken and direct here. She told you exactly what she wanted. She said it would mean a lot to them if you asked him. That doesn’t sound like a command or the words of some nonagentic victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.

My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.

This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.

She’s typically very outspoken and direct. Her response completely threw me off.

She was outspoken and direct here. She told you exactly what she wanted. She said it would mean a lot to them if you asked him. That doesn’t sound like a command or the words of some nonagentic victim.

Why would it mean a lot for a 34 year old woman to ask someone who isn’t her dad to bring a her partner around for a night? No, she wasn’t being direct. She wants to have a pseudo hazing ritual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At 34 knowing the rules of your family I wouldn't ask.

Get your own place for the two of you.

+1

rent a place down the road and say “hey Auntie Matilda. Jimmy Bob Joe and I are very much looking forward to seeing you and the rest of the family. I know the house you rented will be stuffed with people, so we are staying in an apartment 5 min down the road. We’ll stop by Saturday morning to see everyone and are looking forward to participating in all the family events.” . . .i.e., don’t ask, tell.

[Anonymous]

Obey the rules, get married or get your own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obey the rules, get married or get your own house.

Another person who clearly didn’t read the OP….

[Anonymous]

You can be right or you can preserve the relationship. Not always an easy choice…

[Anonymous]

You are a guest, so yes, you have to ask if it is ok to invite someone else. This is just etiquette. However, you should have been able to ask your aunt, and she could have discussed it with him if she felt it was necessary.

I want to take my BF with me to Christmas. The host, my SIL, thinks it's fine, but it has to be run by her adult daughter/my niece. I am 59 and my niece is 30. THAT is weird, and now I don't want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them he’ll be coming with you or you won’t be coming. Don’t say it as a threat, just say it matter of factly. This is your life partner and you want to spend the holidays with him.

He isn’t her life partner. He made no such declaration.

You don’t know that.