I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: I mean, yeah ... it's a ridiculous vestige of the patriarchy. But you know your own family culture and can choose to hang out with these folks or not. Why not just skip it?


Yea, I’m definitely not going to stay that long. Plus, I know I was going to be asked to do a good portion of cooking (I did Thanksgiving), so no thank you.

I won’t skip it altogether because 1) Christmas is my dad’s birthday and he’ll be there 2)just out of respect for my mom; she would’ve wanted me there at least some of the time. My mom was so excited and picked out the house last spring.


I am so sorry about you mom. The first holidays are rough.
Anonymous
I don’t eff with people like this, so this wouldn’t be a situation in my life. Everyone I know is realistic about what adults do.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.


My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.


This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.



She’s typically very outspoken and direct. Her response completely threw me off.

She was outspoken and direct here. She told you exactly what she wanted. She said it would mean a lot to them if you asked him. That doesn’t sound like a command or the words of some nonagentic victim.


Why would it mean a lot for a 34 year old woman to ask someone who isn’t her dad to bring a her partner around for a night? No, she wasn’t being direct. She wants to have a pseudo hazing ritual.


WTF did I read? How can this be happening in 2024? Especially describing a “non-religious” family. Yuck.
Anonymous
If he's only coming for one night get a hotel room.
Anonymous
Sorry OP but your family sucks
Anonymous
Haven't read the whole thread, OP, and...won't. You said your SO is coming for just one night. The pragmatic thing to do? Get a hotel room with him for that one night only. Tell the family what you're doing and be clear that your bedroom is still yours the other nights. Do not engage on this, do not suddenly cave if THEY cave and say, "oh, sorry, of course he's welcome here" etc. Just smile and respond, "These are the arrangements we've made based on what you told me." Then change the topic and do not do not do NOT get into it. Now you know: You're regarded like the 19-year-old boy cousins.

That's one way to handle it. Another would be to go solo, not have SO come, and you go for a much shorter time. Tell the aunt and uncle that you have plans with your SO "who is my family as well" and smile and leave it at that.

Next time there's a family vacation like this, simply say, "My SO is my life partner and we're a package deal. I should have said this last year, but with a death in the family close to the trip and the holidays, I chose to take the high road, spare everyone's feelings and not make a big thing of this then, but it's how things are, going forward. This isn't negotiable."

OP, please consider if there are other ways your family treats you as "less than" because you're female. Or because you're not married to SO. Or whatever. You need to woman up, here. It's tempting to do as others are saying and just ditch this whole thing for this year, but that is more nuanced than I think some are seeing, wtih a death in the family recently. Depends on how you feel about taking a stand right now, with a trip so soon, and waiting to take that stand after this trip. Your family is being phenomenally condescending but if the aunt and uncle are older, well, you know best if you want to retain that relationship. They may hae no real idea how biased and infantilizing it is for them to say you have to ask permission like teen cousins do. Thats not an excuse for them, but it could be an explanation.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole thread, OP, and...won't. You said your SO is coming for just one night. The pragmatic thing to do? Get a hotel room with him for that one night only. Tell the family what you're doing and be clear that your bedroom is still yours the other nights. Do not engage on this, do not suddenly cave if THEY cave and say, "oh, sorry, of course he's welcome here" etc. Just smile and respond, "These are the arrangements we've made based on what you told me." Then change the topic and do not do not do NOT get into it. Now you know: You're regarded like the 19-year-old boy cousins.

That's one way to handle it. Another would be to go solo, not have SO come, and you go for a much shorter time. Tell the aunt and uncle that you have plans with your SO "who is my family as well" and smile and leave it at that.

Next time there's a family vacation like this, simply say, "My SO is my life partner and we're a package deal. I should have said this last year, but with a death in the family close to the trip and the holidays, I chose to take the high road, spare everyone's feelings and not make a big thing of this then, but it's how things are, going forward. This isn't negotiable."

OP, please consider if there are other ways your family treats you as "less than" because you're female. Or because you're not married to SO. Or whatever. You need to woman up, here. It's tempting to do as others are saying and just ditch this whole thing for this year, but that is more nuanced than I think some are seeing, wtih a death in the family recently. Depends on how you feel about taking a stand right now, with a trip so soon, and waiting to take that stand after this trip. Your family is being phenomenally condescending but if the aunt and uncle are older, well, you know best if you want to retain that relationship. They may hae no real idea how biased and infantilizing it is for them to say you have to ask permission like teen cousins do. Thats not an excuse for them, but it could be an explanation.


I agree with all of this. Very good points.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: I mean, yeah ... it's a ridiculous vestige of the patriarchy. But you know your own family culture and can choose to hang out with these folks or not. Why not just skip it?


Yea, I’m definitely not going to stay that long. Plus, I know I was going to be asked to do a good portion of cooking (I did Thanksgiving), so no thank you.

I won’t skip it altogether because 1) Christmas is my dad’s birthday and he’ll be there 2)just out of respect for my mom; she would’ve wanted me there at least some of the time. My mom was so excited and picked out the house last spring.


I am so sorry about you mom. The first holidays are rough.


+1. I think your two reasons for not skipping it altogether are lovely and being true to yourself. But to validate your instinct, yes, this is an unusual (and weird) request from your aunt/uncle!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be a problem for me if they're generally pleasant people.

Because with such people, unmarried people that are of a younger generation than theirs are categorized as "young", with fewer rights than the Smug Marrieds. There is no "+1" in such a household if you're not joined at the hip. You need to ask permission of the host. The hosts are two people, and you need to ask one of them in particular, since apparently the other defers to him. Here it happens to be the man of the house.

I know this smacks of patriarchy and misogyny (because it IS), but honestly I can see their point of view. It's old-fashioned, but there's a logic to it: they want to encourage marriage and stability and don't particularly appreciate a revolving door of casual girlfriends or boyfriends in their home.

If your boyfriend was a long-term partner, you'd do well to push back, and explain that you are committed to each other and will share a bed, even if you have personal reasons to reject the sacrament of marriage. But you only introduced him to your family last month. To the world, this is a casual boyfriend, and they will rightfully treat him as such: courteously, but at arms' length.




Me again. I know two couples in their 70s and 80s, who have been together for 40 years, and have never married: one is my aunt, and the other is a friend of the family. They are indubitably committed. It is perfectly possible to live this way and live a respected and respectable life. They have been treated as married partners for decades.


If they haven't committed, they aren't comitted, just ossified.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.


???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……


Have you paid for the whole giant house?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be a problem for me if they're generally pleasant people.

Because with such people, unmarried people that are of a younger generation than theirs are categorized as "young", with fewer rights than the Smug Marrieds. There is no "+1" in such a household if you're not joined at the hip. You need to ask permission of the host. The hosts are two people, and you need to ask one of them in particular, since apparently the other defers to him. Here it happens to be the man of the house.

I know this smacks of patriarchy and misogyny (because it IS), but honestly I can see their point of view. It's old-fashioned, but there's a logic to it: they want to encourage marriage and stability and don't particularly appreciate a revolving door of casual girlfriends or boyfriends in their home.

If your boyfriend was a long-term partner, you'd do well to push back, and explain that you are committed to each other and will share a bed, even if you have personal reasons to reject the sacrament of marriage. But you only introduced him to your family last month. To the world, this is a casual boyfriend, and they will rightfully treat him as such: courteously, but at arms' length.




Me again. I know two couples in their 70s and 80s, who have been together for 40 years, and have never married: one is my aunt, and the other is a friend of the family. They are indubitably committed. It is perfectly possible to live this way and live a respected and respectable life. They have been treated as married partners for decades.


If they haven't committed, they aren't comitted, just ossified.


How is that at all relevant to this situation? Mind your own marriage and leave OP alone.
Anonymous
Sounds weird. There is nothing worse than pretend religious people. Is this guy even your uncle OP? Get a hotel room for your SO and you for the night he's there as others have written. Avoid group houses in the future.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.


???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……


Have you paid for the whole giant house?


That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My family is Christian but not religious

I’m 34, almost 35, and my SO is 35. Every year my family (~20) gets a beach house for the holidays. They have a rule about unmarried couples staying in the same bed…yadda yadda. Whatever, fine. Now, this idea to all come together was my mom and her sister’s idea - There’s 5 sisters. Unfortunately, my mom passed away three months so this season will be first holiday without her. So knowing their no sleeping in the same bed rule, out of courtesy, I contacted my aunt ( the one who paid for the house this year) to ask if it’s okay to bring my SO just for one night (we have the house for a week).

She said to ask her husband, by marriage. That, “he would love it for you to ask him. Also, all of the other nephews were required to ask him as well”. The nephews with SO are 19 years old by the way….

I honestly this is incredibly weird and off putting. I’m 34, and why do I need to defer to another man who isn’t my dad?
I had to be the black sheep and sound like a brat but this makes me not want to spend that much time there if I’m going to be treated like a child.

Am I just being a brat, or is this a pretty weird ask of my aunt?

By the way, my family met my SO last month and loved him. The uncle in question turns out is really, really close to my SO’s family, so this isn’t because they dislike him.



Get a hotel. Problem solved.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the house?

You know the Golden Rule, right? He/She who has the Gold, makes the rules.


My aunt is. That’s why I asked her, not her husband.


This is the weird part — that your aunt didn’t just answer you or say let me discuss it with Bob and get back to you later this week. Her telling you to ask your uncle is basically like her saying she has no voice/agency here — it seemed very like a surrendered wives situation. Is she normally like this? If no, I’d just say — can you just talk to uncle bob and let me know? If she is, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them a lot and might just go for a day or two to see them because I feel bad for her being in such a weird relationship.



She’s typically very outspoken and direct. Her response completely threw me off.


Your aunt's weird response here almost makes me want to check in on her to see if she's being abused, but also to broadly hint at what a weird situation she has put you in. And also the check would give a better picture to her of what proper partner relationships should be like. "Hey Aunt Mildred, I'm only going to stay two days, and I'm not bringing X. But I just wanted to check in and see if everything is okay with you and your husband. I thought it was very strange that you would want me to ask him permission to bring X, especially when you were right there on the phone with me. X and I don't have a relationship like that where I would need to feel like I had to go back to him to get his approval, and I wanted to make sure that you are okay." Then see what she says. She might talk about old fashioned ideas of propriety etc in which case I would say something like, Aunt Mildred, I am 34 years old and I'm not going to ask your husband's permission to share a room with my partner -- I was just checking whether it was okay to bring him as a guest. But since you are requiring this whole weird step, I simply won't bring him and as a result won't stay as long."

Or something like that.
Forum Index » Family Relationships
Go to: