
I am so sorry about you mom. The first holidays are rough. |
I don’t eff with people like this, so this wouldn’t be a situation in my life. Everyone I know is realistic about what adults do. |
WTF did I read? How can this be happening in 2024? Especially describing a “non-religious” family. Yuck. |
If he's only coming for one night get a hotel room. |
Sorry OP but your family sucks |
Haven't read the whole thread, OP, and...won't. You said your SO is coming for just one night. The pragmatic thing to do? Get a hotel room with him for that one night only. Tell the family what you're doing and be clear that your bedroom is still yours the other nights. Do not engage on this, do not suddenly cave if THEY cave and say, "oh, sorry, of course he's welcome here" etc. Just smile and respond, "These are the arrangements we've made based on what you told me." Then change the topic and do not do not do NOT get into it. Now you know: You're regarded like the 19-year-old boy cousins.
That's one way to handle it. Another would be to go solo, not have SO come, and you go for a much shorter time. Tell the aunt and uncle that you have plans with your SO "who is my family as well" and smile and leave it at that. Next time there's a family vacation like this, simply say, "My SO is my life partner and we're a package deal. I should have said this last year, but with a death in the family close to the trip and the holidays, I chose to take the high road, spare everyone's feelings and not make a big thing of this then, but it's how things are, going forward. This isn't negotiable." OP, please consider if there are other ways your family treats you as "less than" because you're female. Or because you're not married to SO. Or whatever. You need to woman up, here. It's tempting to do as others are saying and just ditch this whole thing for this year, but that is more nuanced than I think some are seeing, wtih a death in the family recently. Depends on how you feel about taking a stand right now, with a trip so soon, and waiting to take that stand after this trip. Your family is being phenomenally condescending but if the aunt and uncle are older, well, you know best if you want to retain that relationship. They may hae no real idea how biased and infantilizing it is for them to say you have to ask permission like teen cousins do. Thats not an excuse for them, but it could be an explanation. |
I agree with all of this. Very good points. |
+1. I think your two reasons for not skipping it altogether are lovely and being true to yourself. But to validate your instinct, yes, this is an unusual (and weird) request from your aunt/uncle! |
If they haven't committed, they aren't comitted, just ossified. |
Have you paid for the whole giant house? |
How is that at all relevant to this situation? Mind your own marriage and leave OP alone. |
Sounds weird. There is nothing worse than pretend religious people. Is this guy even your uncle OP? Get a hotel room for your SO and you for the night he's there as others have written. Avoid group houses in the future. |
That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question… |
Get a hotel. Problem solved. |
Your aunt's weird response here almost makes me want to check in on her to see if she's being abused, but also to broadly hint at what a weird situation she has put you in. And also the check would give a better picture to her of what proper partner relationships should be like. "Hey Aunt Mildred, I'm only going to stay two days, and I'm not bringing X. But I just wanted to check in and see if everything is okay with you and your husband. I thought it was very strange that you would want me to ask him permission to bring X, especially when you were right there on the phone with me. X and I don't have a relationship like that where I would need to feel like I had to go back to him to get his approval, and I wanted to make sure that you are okay." Then see what she says. She might talk about old fashioned ideas of propriety etc in which case I would say something like, Aunt Mildred, I am 34 years old and I'm not going to ask your husband's permission to share a room with my partner -- I was just checking whether it was okay to bring him as a guest. But since you are requiring this whole weird step, I simply won't bring him and as a result won't stay as long." Or something like that. |