massive disagreement with husband about handling kids who won't deal with college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an essay consultant. They will manage the deadlines and do the nagging.

+1

If you can afford to pay, I think it’s worthwhile. Having a neutral person involved could really help diffuse the tension between you, the kids, and your husband and removed some of the emotions.

I also agree with the poster who suggested they will probably rally and do what needs to be done. Procrastination and avoidance are normal with this type of overwhelming process. Support but do not bail them out. There’s still time to come up with a plan! Maybe you need to simplify and focus on 2 safeties and 2 targets for each, then go from there if they have the motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would sometimes “kidnap” our college senior and spend a morning in a library or coffee shop working on apps, with the phone put away of course.

Just get them to apply to your state school that you can afford that is a safety for them. Get that application done asap. If it’s a true safety there might not even be an essay. Then apply to the state school that is a target. After that, I’d back off and let the kid decide if they are doing any more apps.

This second part is great advice because part of the avoidance is fear. Once the kid has a decent acceptance in hand they can relax, the other apps are lower stakes, and this actually leads to more interest in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son with severe ADHD needed all the help he could get from me, and since he was grateful for the help and tried hard to not get too distracted, I felt he deserved it.

You need to be on board with helping, but you also need to take the car keys and nix the pocket money, and possibly the phone on weekends. Carrot AND stick, OP. It's not one or the other. Your husband is the carrot, you are the stick. The decisions your kids make for their college applications will have long-term consequences: don't let your anxiety and anger hamper their future now, but do exert just the right amount of pressure so they do some of the work.

It's a team effort!

Me again.

I wanted to clarify that DS filled everything out himself (two years ago), but due to his inattentive ADHD, I was right there to stop the daydreaming and Youtubing (his particular addiction). I hovered in his vicinity every damm weekend with my laptop and cup of tea, magically available to help at the drop of a hat, and with eyes in the back of my head. He asked me to double-check his apps for typos, and to fill out parental background which he was unaware of. I did the FAFSA and CSS and just asked him to sign. His essays took the longest, most agonizing and laborious time, because of his difficulties talking about himself and his abysmal processing speed. This is where I had to edit heavily, and for some essays, suggest complete reworks. He took some of my suggestions and made changes, but kept his own voice and ideas, which was the goal.

My husband did nothing except to sign the checks.

OP here. Did your son agree to do this (Sit at the table with his laptop, filling out forms)? Mine refuses. He has every excuse why he can't. He either goes out with friends, to school games or sits in his room with his phone for 10-12 hours a day, watching Youtube. He then does homework on Sundays so always has (and continues to be) good with that.
My husband won't police his cell phone or internet use (never has) so it's hard to override it.

Again, my son is independent with getting homework done. He's good about this. But he won't independently engage with anything college related and the weeks keep ticking by.

What does your son say when you ask him when he plans to do it? Is it just “I’m fine mom, I’ll get to it?” That is what my son said. So I said “fine, when will you get to it by?” He gave me a day, and we agreed that if he hadn’t done it by that date I would enforce it - we’d have a workshop where he had to do it in my presence. We put the date on the calendar. Surprise surprise, he didn’t get to it by the date and so he had to sit down with me. We now set small goals - bullet points for essay, intro para for essay, first draft of full essay etc and set a day by which he needs to have it done or he gets time with mom. It is maddening because the whole stupid essay would take about an hour to write if he just sat down and did it, but he won’t, so this is what we are doing.

Also…have some faith in your kids. They presumably know how to write a 600 word essay, and if need be they’ll do it the day it is due. If they miss the EA/ED deadline there is RA and schools with rolling admissions. They’ll find their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

My advice is to chill out. Neither of you are handling this correctly. This is not something to take away the car or phones over or something to get infuriated about or expect them to learn a lesson over.

The Oct 15 and Nov 1 deadlines are EA, first of all. Yes, it would be great to have apps in by then but this is not do or die. Also, they will have the apps in by then and it will all be done the last week before they are due. Because that is how it goes.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this alone. It sounds like all the screaming and prodding is not going to get them to do much.

I have twins who applied last year and my husband stayed on the sidelines. He said it would have been too overwhelming to have two worried parents. We had a college counselor who kept the kids on schedule. I think that is the main thing you pay the counselor for. We did not read any essays until they were about to be submitted and the kids said we didn’t have any constructive comments so our influence was nil.

You may be able to find someone last minute but if the kids are unwilling to cooperate there isn’t much you can do. Maybe they need the pressure of the deadline to get something out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

The supplements can be reused for different schools. They really only need a few different ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

You are NOT overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters.

Your husband saying HE will write their essays at the deadline is a huge red flag to me. Help them, yes. But write them for the kids? That's awful and teaching the kids horrible life lessons.

I would try to compromise with your husband/the kids and figure out a reasonable schedule. If they want to apply by October 15 and November 1, you need to tell them they need to have a first draft done by X date and they will not get their devices/car privileges until the first draft is done. I would absolutely put my foot down and not let your husband write the essays for them. You can be flexible on not applying early decision, whatever, but allowing a parent to write the essay will lead your kids to think someone will always be there to do their work for them and bail them out.

+1 made both my kids make a plan, schedule. I want to see it on a Google sheet shared with me. One is at the state flagship with merit; the other is a HS junior. I don't expect T25, but they'd better be on it. This is too important for them to just fly by the seat of their pants. I'm not willing to spend $150K+ on college if you can't even be bothered to make some effort.

X needs to be done before you go out tonight.

Y needs to be done by next Saturday 5pm or you don't get the car

No way in h3ll would I ever write an essay for them. If you are not allowed to take the test for them, why does your DH think it's ok to write the essay for them.

I'd be livid. Does your DH think it's fine to cheat on other things, too? I'd be wary about this type of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are families who are paying for someone to do the applications for their kids, some families are doing the applications for their kids, some are just helping out by starting the application and filling in all the details, some are writing essays for their children, and some students are doing everything all by themselves.

College is such a huge investment and applications can be so overwhelming. I am not sure it means if you do the application all by yourself if you end up doing better in college and life.

My college roommate at Berkeley had parents who reviewed and if needed corrected/edited all of her homework in high school and continued to do so in college. Additionally, her father’s secretary or mother typed many of her papers. Her sorority had files of old tests in many classes. This helped her to have all A’s.

She’s now partner at a top firm. All of that extra time left her able to socialize and develop really good emotional intelligence/social skills.

I never had any help from my parents. When I had kids I realized that was a huge disadvantage.

Maybe OP your husband realizes this so wants to help.

Yeah neither did I, nor my spouse, yet we excelled at our ivies and are successful partners in our careers(MD, JD). We knew many like your college buddy whose parents did tons: most do not end up successful or if they do they have huge procrastination and life management issues, divorce, alcohol, etc. We would never do what your roommate had done for her. We proofread when asked. Guess what ours are both at T10/different ivy from us, and are excelling! The peers there that have struggled most had parents who hovered and micromanaged them in high school and beyond.
It builds character and pride in oneself to do your own work with parents as sidelines cheerleaders (and tuition payers) only.
For the OP: your DH is in the wrong, completely. I agree you should set deadline for Oct 1 for drafts of the apps due Oct15. Do not discuss it after that , do not remind at all, and check in on Oct 1. Take the car away if they aren’t done. Let them leave the later apps until xmas break.

[Anonymous]

I would let the natural consequences play out, but I would also let your DH know how disappointed you are and why (i.e., enabling your kids); let them (your kids and your husband) know that your are available now to guide them, but you do not plan to do the work for them because they are now adults. If they wait too long, they AND YOUR HUSBAND will have 30+ essays to write. Let them (your kids and your husband) be that stressed and feel the regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ma’am. It is September. Why are you going nuclear in September?

Because there are 4 weekends left and about 30 supplements to write by mid October?

Common app has not been started, etc. We have this all x 2.

OP here. This was me again.

Am I way overreacting?

I just see there being 4 weekends left. They can't do anything during the week due to huge amounts of homework and sports until 6:30pm.
So we are facing 4 weekends for 30-40 supplements between them, Common App x 2, personal statements x 2, etc.
Neither has spent any time online researching a college or reading a single email.

I am just feeling like things are really chaotic.
Or is this all normal?

I get your stress, but the idea of either of you writing essays on behalf of your kids should olbe off the table entirely. Talk about setting them up to fail, not to mention a terrible moral example. Sounds like they are way overreaching if they are applying to the kind of schools that want tons of supplements. If they can't even put a dent in that, those kind of schools may not be good fits anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let the natural consequences play out, but I would also let your DH know how disappointed you are and why (i.e., enabling your kids); let them (your kids and your husband) know that your are available now to guide them, but you do not plan to do the work for them because they are now adults. If they wait too long, they AND YOUR HUSBAND will have 30+ essays to write. Let them (your kids and your husband) be that stressed and feel the regret.

This totally glosses over the fact that no one else other than the students should be writing these essays. You all really want to treat this is workload rather than cheating? Op's husband is cool with teaching his kids to cheat before they even start college. And, your counter is that it will be work for him? What is wrong with people?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are families who are paying for someone to do the applications for their kids, some families are doing the applications for their kids, some are just helping out by starting the application and filling in all the details, some are writing essays for their children, and some students are doing everything all by themselves.

College is such a huge investment and applications can be so overwhelming. I am not sure it means if you do the application all by yourself if you end up doing better in college and life.

My college roommate at Berkeley had parents who reviewed and if needed corrected/edited all of her homework in high school and continued to do so in college. Additionally, her father’s secretary or mother typed many of her papers. Her sorority had files of old tests in many classes. This helped her to have all A’s.

She’s now partner at a top firm. All of that extra time left her able to socialize and develop really good emotional intelligence/social skills.

I never had any help from my parents. When I had kids I realized that was a huge disadvantage.

Maybe OP your husband realizes this so wants to help.

Yeah neither did I, nor my spouse, yet we excelled at our ivies and are successful partners in our careers(MD, JD). We knew many like your college buddy whose parents did tons: most do not end up successful or if they do they have huge procrastination and life management issues, divorce, alcohol, etc. We would never do what your roommate had done for her. We proofread when asked. Guess what ours are both at T10/different ivy from us, and are excelling! The peers there that have struggled most had parents who hovered and micromanaged them in high school and beyond.
It builds character and pride in oneself to do your own work with parents as sidelines cheerleaders (and tuition payers) only.
For the OP: your DH is in the wrong, completely. I agree you should set deadline for Oct 1 for drafts of the apps due Oct15. Do not discuss it after that , do not remind at all, and check in on Oct 1. Take the car away if they aren’t done. Let them leave the later apps until xmas break.

Agree with all of this. And, very similar experience here, except my 2 are at same Ivy.

[Anonymous]

I would be very mad if DH planned to write the essays, otherwise I'd leave it alone for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have (just turned) 18 year old senior twins. Both are great students and have strong test scores.
They will not address much college related. We went on many tours, they have lists.
One is 80% there with the personal statement, one is 20% there.
Both have done nothing more.
They have all sorts of applications that are due on Oct 15 and more due Nov 1.
They refuse to do anything related to these. It's another Saturday and they're sitting on their phones. So far it's been solid phones from 10am to 1pm.
One has afternoon/evening plans today, one has evening plans.
Tomorrow they'll do homework.

I know they are planning on us (parents) on bailing them out.
My husband says he'll just go ahead and write their supplemental essays, etc. when the deadlines hit.
He REFUSES to take away privileges, etc. in the meantime. For instance, he would never take away the car tonight and insist they stay at home vs. go out all afternoon and evening. There's not much I can do with zero buy-in from him.
This infuriates me. I think it teaches horrible life lessons, etc.
I really feel that my one kid especially needs to just learn a giant lesson from this: he is 18 and at some point he needs to know that we won't bail him out. That his actions (or lack of actions) have consequences. He doesn't get stuff done? He takes a gap year. He works. I refuse to spend an all-nighter in mid October writing his essays.

Thoughts? It's causing INSANE friction in my marriage.
I am seriously contemplating just leaving for a month and moving in with a friend. They (the kids) know they can ask me anytime for help but I will not outright write these essays on the final day.

For one him doing the essays is cheating

Two you both clearly suck as parents

Community college for both
What are you going to do hold their hands in college do their work

I’d never write that check