Coping with the knowledge that everyone views your kid as a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

This. Former teacher, daughter and sister of teachers, and parent of two SN kids. You need to lower your expectations and give them some time. Kindergarten is a major, difficult transition for most kids and the first few months are spent figuring out the kid’s skills and abilities and teaching them how to function with the routines and expectations of a school environment. Some kids are still having accidents, some kids are coming in with zero English, home issues, hungry, absolutely zero pre-K skills, etc.

Don’t assume ill will on the part of the school, realize that public school teachers are asked to do far too much and teaching 30 kindergarteners is an insanely difficult job. Some teachers will be better with the IEP than others. That’s just how it goes. Realize that the teacher has many kids with 504 and IEP plans, and probably a bunch with other issues you don’t even know about. Instead of being sad, give it a bit more time before you assume the worst. Realize you may get less than what you feel your child deserves but that teachers are human beings doing a difficult job and are doing their best. You can certainly be that parent who lawyers up and throws the book at your school but in my experience making friends with the school administration, volunteering, being an active PTA member and parent, and being helpful and accommodating actually helps my child get what they need with their 504 far more than being demanding and sad or angry.

Personally, I have lowered my expectations for what the school will do and increased the work I do at home with my kids, both academically, OT type activities, social/emotional learning, etc. I work full-time and don’t have any more time
Than anyone else, but have had to step in to fill the gaps when the therapies fall
Short or when my kids aren’t learning what they need to learn and need extra help. Not what I thought I’d be doing as a parent but that’s life.

There is absolutely no reason why the child is not receiving his related services. I understand the teacher may need time to adapt, but services should have started the first week.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think your son must have a terrible teacher - that's usually where this kind of maltreatment starts. If you can, ask for a change in class placement as clearly this teacher does not know how to handle your child. Be extra kind to your child. Try not to be confrontational with school administrators or teachers as they will take it out on your son sadly. Do the opposite - send in gifts and treats at every opportunity. Be over the top thankful when something is done correctly.
Reading your post reminded me of my son with ADHD and LDs and his horrible KG year. I wish I had been kinder to my child. He had the worst teacher ever that year. Anyway, like a Pp's it was my DS's worst year in school. He is now in college and is a stellar student and athlete. Kids with invisible disabilities are often perceived to be troublemakers or poorly parented. You have to develop thick skin and try and find a community for your child outside of school. Good luck to you & your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

This. Former teacher, daughter and sister of teachers, and parent of two SN kids. You need to lower your expectations and give them some time. Kindergarten is a major, difficult transition for most kids and the first few months are spent figuring out the kid’s skills and abilities and teaching them how to function with the routines and expectations of a school environment. Some kids are still having accidents, some kids are coming in with zero English, home issues, hungry, absolutely zero pre-K skills, etc.

Don’t assume ill will on the part of the school, realize that public school teachers are asked to do far too much and teaching 30 kindergarteners is an insanely difficult job. Some teachers will be better with the IEP than others. That’s just how it goes. Realize that the teacher has many kids with 504 and IEP plans, and probably a bunch with other issues you don’t even know about. Instead of being sad, give it a bit more time before you assume the worst. Realize you may get less than what you feel your child deserves but that teachers are human beings doing a difficult job and are doing their best. You can certainly be that parent who lawyers up and throws the book at your school but in my experience making friends with the school administration, volunteering, being an active PTA member and parent, and being helpful and accommodating actually helps my child get what they need with their 504 far more than being demanding and sad or angry.

Personally, I have lowered my expectations for what the school will do and increased the work I do at home with my kids, both academically, OT type activities, social/emotional learning, etc. I work full-time and don’t have any more time
Than anyone else, but have had to step in to fill the gaps when the therapies fall
Short or when my kids aren’t learning what they need to learn and need extra help. Not what I thought I’d be doing as a parent but that’s life.

There is absolutely no reason why the child is not receiving his related services. I understand the teacher may need time to adapt, but services should have started the first week.

That is not a realistic expectation for the first week of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

This. Former teacher, daughter and sister of teachers, and parent of two SN kids. You need to lower your expectations and give them some time. Kindergarten is a major, difficult transition for most kids and the first few months are spent figuring out the kid’s skills and abilities and teaching them how to function with the routines and expectations of a school environment. Some kids are still having accidents, some kids are coming in with zero English, home issues, hungry, absolutely zero pre-K skills, etc.

Don’t assume ill will on the part of the school, realize that public school teachers are asked to do far too much and teaching 30 kindergarteners is an insanely difficult job. Some teachers will be better with the IEP than others. That’s just how it goes. Realize that the teacher has many kids with 504 and IEP plans, and probably a bunch with other issues you don’t even know about. Instead of being sad, give it a bit more time before you assume the worst. Realize you may get less than what you feel your child deserves but that teachers are human beings doing a difficult job and are doing their best. You can certainly be that parent who lawyers up and throws the book at your school but in my experience making friends with the school administration, volunteering, being an active PTA member and parent, and being helpful and accommodating actually helps my child get what they need with their 504 far more than being demanding and sad or angry.

Personally, I have lowered my expectations for what the school will do and increased the work I do at home with my kids, both academically, OT type activities, social/emotional learning, etc. I work full-time and don’t have any more time
Than anyone else, but have had to step in to fill the gaps when the therapies fall
Short or when my kids aren’t learning what they need to learn and need extra help. Not what I thought I’d be doing as a parent but that’s life.

There is absolutely no reason why the child is not receiving his related services. I understand the teacher may need time to adapt, but services should have started the first week.

That is not a realistic expectation for the first week of school.

There have been five weeks of school and still no pullouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also a teacher. I would just question OP whether you are imagining that your own child is the only one in the class with an IEP, or with academic and behavioral challenges? It’s not simply your own child and a sea of other perfectly straightforward children. Yes you may have a legal document that says your child receives very specific customized services, but if there is just one teacher and 25 kindergarteners, it may not be possible. In that case it’s not that they are withholding services from your child because they don’t like him, but because there aren’t enough staff or hours in the day to do so.

Op here. I don’t think my kid is the only one with any special needs or challenges. What I mean is, from what I can tell, it seems unusual in this district for a kindergartener to come in with an IEP already in place. The more typical situation seems to be that kindergarten is when the parents first become aware that there are issues, so then they begin the process of evaluations/meds/IEP/etc.

The BIP was developed in collaboration with the kindergarten team and they attended the kindergarten transition meeting and signed it. It’s not like we didn’t expect kindergarten to be different than pre-K.

You may be right, but that doesn't actually make your child more in need of services or support than the kid whose parents weren't as "on top of things" as you are.

If you are looking for a Gold Star Special Needs Mom sticker, please accept this hearty congratulations on doing such a good job getting your child into K with an IEP in place.

Now comes the rest, which means accepting that your wealth/education/time to do the work doesn't actually make you a better parent or the other kids in the classroom any less deserving. It also doesn't mean that whatever behaviors have required multiple pick-ups in the first couple weeks of school don't need to be discussed.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That is incredibly sad and frustrating. My oldest child was SN and was almost universally disliked by everyone at school and her K year was a disaster. We had asked for a different K placement and were told everyone starts in the mainstream class first. It was 30 K kids--and they put all the kids with IEPs in the same class including three kids with ASD, a kid with DS and a child with physical disabilities. No behavioral plans were implemented due to "staffing". The school called us all the time to pick her up and suspended her three times for eloping. She was labeled as a "bad kid" and excluded from neighborhood things too, like we signed her up for soccer and showed up and there was a whole team that was all girls from her grade that had been organized by one of the moms. We were kind of persona non grata in the neighborhood.

I didn't even realize how chilly the school and teacher had been to us until our friendly, kind, social second child started K at the same school and it was a completely different experience like we were a completely different family.

-----------

Just wondering, what would happen if you didn't pick him up early? That's technically illegal.

[Anonymous]

Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

This. Former teacher, daughter and sister of teachers, and parent of two SN kids. You need to lower your expectations and give them some time. Kindergarten is a major, difficult transition for most kids and the first few months are spent figuring out the kid’s skills and abilities and teaching them how to function with the routines and expectations of a school environment. Some kids are still having accidents, some kids are coming in with zero English, home issues, hungry, absolutely zero pre-K skills, etc.

Don’t assume ill will on the part of the school, realize that public school teachers are asked to do far too much and teaching 30 kindergarteners is an insanely difficult job. Some teachers will be better with the IEP than others. That’s just how it goes. Realize that the teacher has many kids with 504 and IEP plans, and probably a bunch with other issues you don’t even know about. Instead of being sad, give it a bit more time before you assume the worst. Realize you may get less than what you feel your child deserves but that teachers are human beings doing a difficult job and are doing their best. You can certainly be that parent who lawyers up and throws the book at your school but in my experience making friends with the school administration, volunteering, being an active PTA member and parent, and being helpful and accommodating actually helps my child get what they need with their 504 far more than being demanding and sad or angry.

Personally, I have lowered my expectations for what the school will do and increased the work I do at home with my kids, both academically, OT type activities, social/emotional learning, etc. I work full-time and don’t have any more time
Than anyone else, but have had to step in to fill the gaps when the therapies fall
Short or when my kids aren’t learning what they need to learn and need extra help. Not what I thought I’d be doing as a parent but that’s life.

There is absolutely no reason why the child is not receiving his related services. I understand the teacher may need time to adapt, but services should have started the first week.

My kid has had an IEP for 8 years and I don’t think pull-outs ever started in the first week. First month, yes.

OP it truly sounds like the BIP is not implementable in the K classroom or it’s just not going to work. The school calling you to pick up your child is a big problem though. I’d call and IEP meeting to focus on that and insist they come up with an alternative plan to keep him in school and possibly a new FBA. You should also consider whether you will want/need a different placement. I never did because there were no good placements for my kid, but maybe things are different where you are.

As for feeling like they dislike your kid - welcome to the world of kids with “behaviors.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

This. And the posters saying “but they can’t! Teachers are in an impossible position! Stop complaining! Bring treats!” - your interests do not align with OP’s or her child’s. And you seem to have absolutely no understanding of how change is achieved when there are laws in place, funding set based on how those laws are applied, and stakes in not giving children services. Change is achieved by taking legal action at this point in time with the legal framework in place. You may not like it because it impacts you in the short term. It’s like people who don’t want people to sue based on work place injuries because other people will lose their jobs. Structural change is done this way. OP, advocate for your child. The real answer is however - and the reason people do not do it this way - is that it is cheaper and so much faster to find a good private school. That is what we did for K. My kid also wasn’t violent or eloping but extremely defiant, hyper, mildly intellectually disabled. It was a disaster in pre k and I saw the writing on the wall. In your case I think it depends on what change is available which is why you need to consult with a lawyer. Build a case for private placement perhaps. If your child has medical health issues, it may be much easier. Sending him home every day might possibly support a case for a one on one as may a condition like epilepsy. Figure out all your options. Look into privates. Look into homeschooling. Understanding what you can do is empowering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I too find it deeply painful knowing that my child is barely being tolerated, so you’re not alone. Still learning to grow that thick skin.

We’re one week into public-school general-ed K and over the weekend my SN child was scampering around the house saying “I’m a difficult child.” That is language we have NEVER used so we know it came from school. It hurts that mere days into his traditional school experience he has been labeled as such.

We are also a family that has gone to moon and back with assessments, therapies, IEP, preparation etc for K. My child is not violent and is not an eloper. He can write his name and line up and all the things. He’s just A-typical in his communication and social interactions.

Anyway, just wanted to say I’m sorry. And your feelings are natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

+100. I’m a little grateful to have experienced this early on because it made me not give a f about what any other parent thought.