Coping with the knowledge that everyone views your kid as a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

This. And the posters saying “but they can’t! Teachers are in an impossible position! Stop complaining! Bring treats!” - your interests do not align with OP’s or her child’s. And you seem to have absolutely no understanding of how change is achieved when there are laws in place, funding set based on how those laws are applied, and stakes in not giving children services. Change is achieved by taking legal action at this point in time with the legal framework in place. You may not like it because it impacts you in the short term. It’s like people who don’t want people to sue based on work place injuries because other people will lose their jobs. Structural change is done this way. OP, advocate for your child. The real answer is however - and the reason people do not do it this way - is that it is cheaper and so much faster to find a good private school. That is what we did for K. My kid also wasn’t violent or eloping but extremely defiant, hyper, mildly intellectually disabled. It was a disaster in pre k and I saw the writing on the wall. In your case I think it depends on what change is available which is why you need to consult with a lawyer. Build a case for private placement perhaps. If your child has medical health issues, it may be much easier. Sending him home every day might possibly support a case for a one on one as may a condition like epilepsy. Figure out all your options. Look into privates. Look into homeschooling. Understanding what you can do is empowering.

Don’t you realize how many SN parents do this? They ask stretched public schools who literally don’t sometimes have the funds for adequate supplies, paper, etc and are dealing with ratios of 1:30, insane standards, kids with numerous behavioral
problems and social emotional
Issues the level of which you have no idea (domestic violence, kids who are victims of incest, kids whose parents are addicts, etc) for excessive levels of support they literally cannot provide because schools aren’t funded properly. It’s a lose lose situation for all. It turns the relationship contentious, and then it turns your kid into even more of a problem child than they already are.

Understand that literally everyone understands and wants your kid to get the support they are legally entitled to. Believe that no one is acting in bad faith. But schools are often asked to do the impossible with few resources and they literally cannot provide sometimes the level of accommodation that each child needs. If you realize that and approach the relationship as that of a team, you will be doing more to serve your child. You may have to adjust your expectations, and assume good intent. Being angry that your kid is not getting services week one of school is ridiculous. That is not realistic for any school, public or private. You win more flies with honey. Lawyering up the second month into K is setting up your kid to fail at the school.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry this is happening OP. My kid is older now (and things have improved) but elementary school had some awful years. We survived. You will too.

I always tried to err on the side of being polite and professional with the school even in the years when I was secretly cursing their names and daydreaming of burning them in effigy. I acknowledged to them that my kid could be difficult and uncooperative (all that parent training about validating feelings taught me something).

But I also got better about figuring out what my priorities were and focusing on them. Pull out services were not worth the squeeze for us. Not following the BIP would be one I would fight for. Posters here may be right that the BIP developed last year doesn’t work this year. So call another IEP meeting and change it. Every time you pick your kid up ask what happened and how the school responded. Document in an email to the school summarizing it and asking them if there is anything else you should know about the incident. If the BIP wasn’t followed, ask why (in the politest, least accusatory way possible).

I would also look at your district to see if there are other programs or settings that might work better for your kid. If they are at other schools, your school might not know enough to suggest them, so be proactive yourself. Your district might also have behavioral specialists who could observe your kid and make suggestions. Having someone from the district level at the IEP meeting always made the school more willing to be flexible (but that could be the opposite in other districts).

If private is a viable option, I would suggest you make that move early in elementary school. It’s much easier to find a placement for a younger kid with issues than an older one.

[Anonymous]

Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

This. Former teacher, daughter and sister of teachers, and parent of two SN kids. You need to lower your expectations and give them some time. Kindergarten is a major, difficult transition for most kids and the first few months are spent figuring out the kid’s skills and abilities and teaching them how to function with the routines and expectations of a school environment. Some kids are still having accidents, some kids are coming in with zero English, home issues, hungry, absolutely zero pre-K skills, etc.

Don’t assume ill will on the part of the school, realize that public school teachers are asked to do far too much and teaching 30 kindergarteners is an insanely difficult job. Some teachers will be better with the IEP than others. That’s just how it goes. Realize that the teacher has many kids with 504 and IEP plans, and probably a bunch with other issues you don’t even know about. Instead of being sad, give it a bit more time before you assume the worst. Realize you may get less than what you feel your child deserves but that teachers are human beings doing a difficult job and are doing their best. You can certainly be that parent who lawyers up and throws the book at your school but in my experience making friends with the school administration, volunteering, being an active PTA member and parent, and being helpful and accommodating actually helps my child get what they need with their 504 far more than being demanding and sad or angry.

Personally, I have lowered my expectations for what the school will do and increased the work I do at home with my kids, both academically, OT type activities, social/emotional learning, etc. I work full-time and don’t have any more time
Than anyone else, but have had to step in to fill the gaps when the therapies fall
Short or when my kids aren’t learning what they need to learn and need extra help. Not what I thought I’d be doing as a parent but that’s life.

There is absolutely no reason why the child is not receiving his related services. I understand the teacher may need time to adapt, but services should have started the first week.

That is not a realistic expectation for the first week of school.

Yes it is. I’ve worked in special Ed in schools. It’s criminal that, in 5 weeks, this child has not received services.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

No. The idea that both parties are just stuck in a hard place is legally and factually incorrect. The schools are stretched thin and that makes it hard to provide what is needed. Teachers have hard days. The child is disabled, can’t go to school a full day, can’t learn, and is likely to not be able to become a functional member of society without help. The stakes are not the same. There are laws in place that say the school has to provide the services. Asking that those laws be followed even when there is not enough resources is how changes are made to funding. OP would be right legally and factually to push for enforcement.


The REALITY for OPs child given the time it takes to do anything is that she is better off paying for private and services. Or figuring out if a private placement is proper.

The school employees that keep coming on this forum on every single thread to insist that every parent is wrong and too demanding and every child is too disabled and the system is too broken - quit. You’re not doing anyone any favors. If the system fails entirely, a new system will be forced. That’s not a bad thing in the long term. The short term is another story of course. But sometimes things have to just fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

OP is a parent of a profoundly disabled child, who may never be able to learn and is under the stress and trauma of a combat solider. Every day. Asking that she put aside all of her trauma dealing with her child every day to realize hey teachers have a sad! Work bad! Is just asinine. Get a new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

OP is a parent of a profoundly disabled child, who may never be able to learn and is under the stress and trauma of a combat solider. Every day. Asking that she put aside all of her trauma dealing with her child every day to realize hey teachers have a sad! Work bad! Is just asinine. Get a new job.

This is a totally unrealistic, unhelpful point of view for both teachers and families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

It’s been 5 weeks where OP is. And this is the SN board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former educator and school psych professional here - the best IEP is not the one that is textbook and beautifully written. It's the one that can be followed with integrity. In these situations, it's best to go into it with grace, assuming that everyone is doing the best they can. They don't dislike you or your child. They are completely overwhelmed. If you don't acknowledge that, it's the same as no one acknowledging YOUR struggles. Please try to be realistic in what the school can provide and be open to compromise. Otherwise, you're going to get nowhere.

OP is a parent of a profoundly disabled child, who may never be able to learn and is under the stress and trauma of a combat solider. Every day. Asking that she put aside all of her trauma dealing with her child every day to realize hey teachers have a sad! Work bad! Is just asinine. Get a new job.

This is a totally unrealistic, unhelpful point of view for both teachers and families.

Your idea that parents have to bring gifts and be extra polite and completely grateful that their disabled kid is allowed to go to school is actually the unrealistic, unhelpful, illegal view. You need to reframe.

[Anonymous]

If the IEP/BIP was not realistic for this school's resources, why did the K teachers and principal in the IEP transition meeting with the public pre-K staff agree to it? How is OP supposed to know what is or isn't practicable at this particular school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

This. And the posters saying “but they can’t! Teachers are in an impossible position! Stop complaining! Bring treats!” - your interests do not align with OP’s or her child’s. And you seem to have absolutely no understanding of how change is achieved when there are laws in place, funding set based on how those laws are applied, and stakes in not giving children services. Change is achieved by taking legal action at this point in time with the legal framework in place. You may not like it because it impacts you in the short term. It’s like people who don’t want people to sue based on work place injuries because other people will lose their jobs. Structural change is done this way. OP, advocate for your child. The real answer is however - and the reason people do not do it this way - is that it is cheaper and so much faster to find a good private school. That is what we did for K. My kid also wasn’t violent or eloping but extremely defiant, hyper, mildly intellectually disabled. It was a disaster in pre k and I saw the writing on the wall. In your case I think it depends on what change is available which is why you need to consult with a lawyer. Build a case for private placement perhaps. If your child has medical health issues, it may be much easier. Sending him home every day might possibly support a case for a one on one as may a condition like epilepsy. Figure out all your options. Look into privates. Look into homeschooling. Understanding what you can do is empowering.

Don’t you realize how many SN parents do this? They ask stretched public schools who literally don’t sometimes have the funds for adequate supplies, paper, etc and are dealing with ratios of 1:30, insane standards, kids with numerous behavioral
problems and social emotional
Issues the level of which you have no idea (domestic violence, kids who are victims of incest, kids whose parents are addicts, etc) for excessive levels of support they literally cannot provide because schools aren’t funded properly. It’s a lose lose situation for all. It turns the relationship contentious, and then it turns your kid into even more of a problem child than they already are.

Understand that literally everyone understands and wants your kid to get the support they are legally entitled to. Believe that no one is acting in bad faith. But schools are often asked to do the impossible with few resources and they literally cannot provide sometimes the level of accommodation that each child needs. If you realize that and approach the relationship as that of a team, you will be doing more to serve your child. You may have to adjust your expectations, and assume good intent. Being angry that your kid is not getting services week one of school is ridiculous. That is not realistic for any school, public or private. You win more flies with honey. Lawyering up the second month into K is setting up your kid to fail at the school.

I’m going to start flagging your comments for deletion. OP says it has been FIVE weeks with no related services and the school is kicking her child out repeatedly. The school is failing BADLY. Whether or not it’s because they don’t have the resources is irrelevant. Unless you have a practical suggestion go away. This is not the uwu we wuv teachers! board.

[Anonymous]

OP, my kid went into K with an IEP and quickly ended up with an FBA/BIP. It was rocky for a while and it honestly took months to get into a good rhythm to keep my kid stable. I went through periods of despair where I thought maybe I needed to hire a lawyer and braced myself for my kid not being able to succeed in a mainstream classroom.

But through having multiple kids and befriending other parents I’ve come to realize that K is sort of a $h!t show for a lot of kids and it takes into the fall for even some on the NT kids to make it through the day. I want to say by Dec/Jan I started to see progress and then spring was much smoother (although with occasional tough days).

That’s not to say you shouldn’t advocate for your kid and keep an eye on what is going on, but I think a PP who said to give the teachers some grace the first few months is right. One thing I did was make sure to send frequent emails to the teacher to give updates about how things were going on our end. E.g. he was very regulated (or dysregulated) when getting on the bus this morning. Over the weekend he mentioned that X is bothering him at school could we try Y? And also good things like he told me today how much he loved XYZ in your class, sprinkled with good things about my kid, plus lots of thanks for what they were doing. I also volunteered to help in class (I’m a working mom and just had to find time).

Obviously this won’t work if your kid’s school is full of truly crap humans who don’t care at all. But I think to some extent being very present/communicative will make them have to deal with you. I wouldn’t go burning bridges just 5 weeks into the year if you see yourself there long term. If come November things haven’t changed then I’d go seek outside help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just started kindergarten. He has an IEP. It’s been rocky.

The teacher seems exasperated with him.

The school isn’t following the IEP. I’m holding them accountable for following the IEP and feel their dislike of me and my child. It feels like they just want us to leave and go to another school.

I’m wondering how you handle this sense of rejection and knowing people don’t like you and your kid? I’m finding it so heartbreaking. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this, but I didn’t expect this level of bias against my son with a disability.

It's been, what ... a week? And you've already decided the school doesn't "like" your kid or you? And you're "heartbroken?"

What is the disability, exactly?

Nothing is worse than ignoramuses wandering in here from the recent topics page, not even reading the thread, and then spouting dumb sh!t.

The kid has been in school for five weeks.