Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

Well, this changes things for me. It sounds like you need to be present during visits because your parents don’t have the emotional intelligence to keep your children at this young age. If you think they have any capacity to listen, you could start a conversation about it. For now, and maybe until the children are much older, your parents will see them when you are willing/able to host.

As for the passive aggressive remarks, I think you just ignore them unless you want to have that bigger conversation. “Thanks for the offer! Much appreciated!”

I’m glad your parents are proud of you, and I hope maybe someday they will also connect to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in Northern Virginia and recently dropped our kids (ages 6 and 4) in Chicago with my in laws for three days while we flew to a friend's wedding in California. They live in the middle of Chicago, which made getting around with our kids really easy for them, because they didn't need car seats to get anywhere; they just took the bus or walked. DH and I both grew up in Chicago and love that we are able to give our kids regular exposure to it, so they love it too.

We talk to my in laws once a week, they come visit us about every 3 months, and we go visit them twice a year. We all have a great relationship.

My parents moved to rural Georgia (2 hours from Atlanta) about 10 years ago. We've never had a close relationship. They visit us once a year (maybe twice) and we haven't visited them in a couple years.

Anyway, my parents saw pictures of the kids on our photo sharing app in Chicago with my in laws and my dad made the following passive aggressive comment to me: "You know, next time you have a wedding, we can watch the kids. There are flights to anywhere from the Atlanta airport and we have raised kids before, you know." I made some excuse about bundling the trip with a visit to the summer camp DH went to as a kid (which is true) and said most of our friends are married at this point, but we're excited for them to come visit for Thanksgiving.

I just don't know what to do about our relationship. I know they want to spend more time with their grandkids, but every time we see them, there's some comment like this or question about our parenting and I just don't want to deal with it. I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents and I don't know how to make that happen without opening myself up to more criticism from them. What would you do?

If your parents really wanted to see the kids they would try and establish a relationship with you.

And no, I wouldn't drop my kids off with grandparents who haven't seen them in a long time and who have been living alone for a while and who would not be used to two small kids and would not have the energy. It's just a disaster waiting to happen.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People love you. You poor thing! You are loved by your parents. Your parents want to see you. Your parents love and want to see their Grandchildren. Don't you posters realize how pitiful you sound?

You clearly do not have toxic relatives.

OP's parents don't sound toxic at all. I think it's very normal they felt hurt by the pics too. And they are offering to watch the grandkids! I don't see the issue here. Not everyone communicates perfectly all the time. It doesn't indicate toxicity.

They're not offering to watch kids, they're offering OP to spend $1,000+ in plane tickets and do 8 hours of driving for a couple hundred bucks worth of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

Don't listen to PP. You shouldn't have to hide photos like you're in witness protection. Absolutely absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

Don't listen to PP. You shouldn't have to hide photos like you're in witness protection. Absolutely absurd.

Agreed. That person sounds like someone who would get "offended" by seeing grandchildren happy with other family members

[Anonymous]

Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about there comments is passive aggressive. They are literally offering to care for your children! Why don’t you take them up on it??

You and your husband can plan a nice getaway and leave the kids with your parents. What a fabulous gift! Yes, the logistics are slightly more complex, but really - it’s slight. Can they drive to the airport to get your kids? If so, that’s a red herring!!

The fact that you’re not seeing this as a gift says that either 1) you’re leaving something big out about your parents (oh, actually, they were pretty verbally abusive to me as a kid) or 2) you’re still stuck in the teen/early 20 something place of “ugh, my parents are so annoying. I can’t believe they live somewhere so lame” in which case, grow up!

Because OP has her life to live and driving multiple hours to her parents' house is not part of it, especially as they're not close. What's so hard to understand about that? This is on the grandparents. If they truly prioritized grandkids, they wouldn't have moved to Podunk.

I would like nothing more than to care for any grandkids that show up in the future, and I will plan my life in consequence.

DP and this is BS.
I grew up in major metropolitan city.
One set of grandparents lived in the country, country and I spent lots of time with them. If you don’t think exposing kids to drugs deferent areas and life styles is not on your bucket list then too bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Op, I empathize with your lack of a deeper emotional connection with your parents. It sounds like they are good people, just not as connected to their own emotions, much less yours.
They just are not as emotionally intelligent and as expressive as you wish and need them to be.
If growing a relationship with them and your kids is important to you perhaps you could think of that as a process you lead, and teach.
Not as a burden to you but as an emotional process and sort of challenge for yourself.
I had a now deceased parent who was somewhat difficult.
As an adult, I came to the point of deciding to give to them what they could not give to me.
Of course o had boundaries but it was such a relief to stop trying to make someone be something they were not.
Perhaps you could try a few things:
-Stop seeing thing as proof of how you disconnected they are , but seeing it as a chance to MODEL connection
-Try FaceTiming more- mahe the call, and jet them just talk to the kids, walk away, let them figure out what to talk about.
-All invite them to visit, you and hubby go out for an evening or and overnite. Make some activity suggestions for them and the kiddos, let the kids tell grands what they like to do

- See if they want to meet in Atlanta to hang out for a few days. While you are together let
them sorta take the lead with the kids. It’s ok if they stumble a little it’s ok, as long as they are not mean.

-Once you feel comfortable enough let them stay 3 or 4 days with your parents. ITS OK IF THEY GET BORED. NO KID HAS EVER DIED OF BOREDOM!!!!!

The more you ease up a little maybe the more they will too. You will learn to “learn” each other and trust each other more .
Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

Don't listen to PP. You shouldn't have to hide photos like you're in witness protection. Absolutely absurd.

Agreed. That person sounds like someone who would get "offended" by seeing grandchildren happy with other family members

I see this pov. I also see the pov that, if you know they get upset by it, it's really not that big of a deal to email or tet them pics separately. Not only would that be kinder for them -regardless of whether they should be offended or not, they are- but then you don't have to deal with the guilt trip. And, lbh, it's not THAT impractical. OP just doesn't want to do it. And that's fine. But that's their choice. Seems to be the problem could be handled easily but she's choosing to stand her ground as to the use of photo sharing. Whatever floats her boat, I guess.

Since you're firmly status quo, then your only options are confront or ignore. Not sure what else you're looking for here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

But it hurts your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

[Anonymous]

Times flies and unless YOU make the effort your kids will not get to know their grandparents, who would be happy to "babysit" for you while you vacation with your husband.

Your relationship with your parents, is not your kids' relationship with them.

I did not have the best relationship with my family/dad... but my kids (college) age have great memories with them growing up and they love their grandpa.

GROW UP and do it for the shake of your kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

OP shared more context. Her children are young and the grandparents have similarly damaging way of treating their grandchildren as they do OP. Leaving them with the grandparents isn’t a healthy option. I think it’s great that OP is willing to facilitate, but if these grandparents are so keen to have the relationship, they need to accept OPs invitations.

Grandparent relationships can be among the most amazing in our lives, but not all grandparents fall naturally into a healthy relationship. I think OP is being very reasonable and is open to helping her parents. They are being stubborn and want the relationship on their terms. Grandparents who try to overrule parents seldom get what they want.