Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

OP shared more context. Her children are young and the grandparents have similarly damaging way of treating their grandchildren as they do OP. Leaving them with the grandparents isn’t a healthy option. I think it’s great that OP is willing to facilitate, but if these grandparents are so keen to have the relationship, they need to accept OPs invitations.

Grandparent relationships can be among the most amazing in our lives, but not all grandparents fall naturally into a healthy relationship. I think OP is being very reasonable and is open to helping her parents. They are being stubborn and want the relationship on their terms. Grandparents who try to overrule parents seldom get what they want.

Did OP share how her parents treated her growing up?

I did not read OP's additional context as "damaging". Yes, there are some hurt feelings and complexities but those seem like they can be managed (I have a FAR more damaging relationship with my parents and I'm able to make it work on some level with one of them; the other is flat out abusive so it's a nonstarter). Further, OP stated they could probably see them more but chooses not to plan out that far- also fair. However, you can see how it would seem to be hurtful to her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get exactly what you're saying. Your parents don't have reasonable expectations on how this would work. The live 2 hours from the airport! Of course getting the kids to them for a weekend trip would be difficult. The fact that they can't noodle through the logistics of this on their own, and instead choose to throw GUILT at you to try to get something they want, are red flags.

I of course don't know them. If you want your kids to see them more, you'll have to make it happen. If you feel a bit indifferent, but are feeling defensive because your kids had fun with the other grands, that's a YOU issue.

We tend to gravitate towards those that make it easy for us. If one set is making it easy and the other set is just complaining, of course you'll lean one way over the other.

I'd prepare a response that's less defensive and more confidant. "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you'd be willing to watch the kids! That's awesome to know. Maybe we can plan something for next summer." But the tit-for-tat nature of the comment could really irk me.

My kids have a difficult grandmother who would say the same thing. The other grandmother would say "oh I'm so thrilled the kids got to spend time with their Grandmother. How special". Guess which one we prefer to spend time with?

It’s hilarious that people like you preach that it is very important for you to “advocate” for yourself or for your kids to do the same, but if a parent does this, it is a character flaw.

Jealous, passive aggressive comments are not "advocating".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get exactly what you're saying. Your parents don't have reasonable expectations on how this would work. The live 2 hours from the airport! Of course getting the kids to them for a weekend trip would be difficult. The fact that they can't noodle through the logistics of this on their own, and instead choose to throw GUILT at you to try to get something they want, are red flags.

I of course don't know them. If you want your kids to see them more, you'll have to make it happen. If you feel a bit indifferent, but are feeling defensive because your kids had fun with the other grands, that's a YOU issue.

We tend to gravitate towards those that make it easy for us. If one set is making it easy and the other set is just complaining, of course you'll lean one way over the other.

I'd prepare a response that's less defensive and more confidant. "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you'd be willing to watch the kids! That's awesome to know. Maybe we can plan something for next summer." But the tit-for-tat nature of the comment could really irk me.

My kids have a difficult grandmother who would say the same thing. The other grandmother would say "oh I'm so thrilled the kids got to spend time with their Grandmother. How special". Guess which one we prefer to spend time with?

It’s hilarious that people like you preach that it is very important for you to “advocate” for yourself or for your kids to do the same, but if a parent does this, it is a character flaw.

Jealous, passive aggressive comments are not "advocating".

Neither is complaining on an anonymous board vs. talking to your parents. Neither is blaming the "difficult" parent when you're going with "easy" vs. fair. Easy is not irrelevant, here. But, again, communicating with your needs vs. doing what you accuse them of doing (complaining) is what is needed. You appear to be punishing them and so need to own that part of it.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm never make excuses for doing what's best for you and your family.

Relationships are two way streets. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

If parents want to be present, it is incumbent upon them to get their butts to where the grandkids are.

Too many grandparents have zero idea how busy lives are for young families. School, sports, and dual careers take so much time that parents can't just pick up and take the kids over to grandma and grandpa's for a quick visit.

In our family, one set of grandparents tries and helps a little. We appreciate what we get, even as they act like classic Boomers and go on neverending vacations. The other set whines about not seeing the kids but refuse to move closer to us where their only grandchildren reside. On the other hand, I see grandparents who regularly carpool and take the kids to activities throughout the week. The difference within the generation is staggering, but it's probably always been that way. My dad's family was mostly useless and my mom's family was always around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get exactly what you're saying. Your parents don't have reasonable expectations on how this would work. The live 2 hours from the airport! Of course getting the kids to them for a weekend trip would be difficult. The fact that they can't noodle through the logistics of this on their own, and instead choose to throw GUILT at you to try to get something they want, are red flags.

I of course don't know them. If you want your kids to see them more, you'll have to make it happen. If you feel a bit indifferent, but are feeling defensive because your kids had fun with the other grands, that's a YOU issue.

We tend to gravitate towards those that make it easy for us. If one set is making it easy and the other set is just complaining, of course you'll lean one way over the other.

I'd prepare a response that's less defensive and more confidant. "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you'd be willing to watch the kids! That's awesome to know. Maybe we can plan something for next summer." But the tit-for-tat nature of the comment could really irk me.

My kids have a difficult grandmother who would say the same thing. The other grandmother would say "oh I'm so thrilled the kids got to spend time with their Grandmother. How special". Guess which one we prefer to spend time with?

It’s hilarious that people like you preach that it is very important for you to “advocate” for yourself or for your kids to do the same, but if a parent does this, it is a character flaw.

"Advocating" from a position where you have no bargaining power is just whining.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally relate. And I love the comment up-thread about them having a ton of free time but expecting you to tetris them into your busy life instead of the other way around. If they don't work and they want to see the grandkids more, they can buy a condo near you. Choosing to live far away from their grandkids then complaining how rarely they see them is like someone shooting themself in the foot and complaining that they have to go to the hospital.

[Anonymous]

It's very tough having grandparents who guilt but don't help. We had that and it was like an added burden/chore having to go present the grandkids, managing them in in-laws's space: no feet on couch, expensive breakables at tiny hand level...Then maybe just maybe they'd offer to babysit for an hour or so so we could go out, but we'd have to be back at a certain time because they were going out to dinner. It was no help and just frustrating. Meanwhile they got to brag to their friends about how involved they were.