Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

We live in Northern Virginia and recently dropped our kids (ages 6 and 4) in Chicago with my in laws for three days while we flew to a friend's wedding in California. They live in the middle of Chicago, which made getting around with our kids really easy for them, because they didn't need car seats to get anywhere; they just took the bus or walked. DH and I both grew up in Chicago and love that we are able to give our kids regular exposure to it, so they love it too.

We talk to my in laws once a week, they come visit us about every 3 months, and we go visit them twice a year. We all have a great relationship.

My parents moved to rural Georgia (2 hours from Atlanta) about 10 years ago. We've never had a close relationship. They visit us once a year (maybe twice) and we haven't visited them in a couple years.

Anyway, my parents saw pictures of the kids on our photo sharing app in Chicago with my in laws and my dad made the following passive aggressive comment to me: "You know, next time you have a wedding, we can watch the kids. There are flights to anywhere from the Atlanta airport and we have raised kids before, you know." I made some excuse about bundling the trip with a visit to the summer camp DH went to as a kid (which is true) and said most of our friends are married at this point, but we're excited for them to come visit for Thanksgiving.

I just don't know what to do about our relationship. I know they want to spend more time with their grandkids, but every time we see them, there's some comment like this or question about our parenting and I just don't want to deal with it. I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents and I don't know how to make that happen without opening myself up to more criticism from them. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

It's nice you have two sets of parents willing to help. You could just drop off the kids in Georgia and go have fun elsewhere! I so wish we had grandparents willing to watch our kids when they were young. I would never trust strangers and we never went anywhere because of it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I have a parent who has always been weird/guilt trippy and it’s an uncomfortable dynamic but honestly I’m more concerned about protecting my kids from her weirdness than I am with her being satisfied with the relationship. I was just never going to leave my kids in her care, and I think it’s ok for you to dibb no something like you did that was fun and easy for all

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I kind of understand why your parents feelings might have been hurt. It sounds like you spend a lot more time with your in-laws, and make a lot more effort to make that happen. If you saw your parents regularly, those "criticisms" would not happen . . . and I don't even view them as critical, just maybe someone who is trying to express an emotion that may be uncomfortable. Remember that you may be in your parents' situation one day.

[Anonymous]

So, I would disagree that was a passive aggressive comment, he stated they are willing to watch kids too and want to. If you are willing to you should give them the opportunity. This is a great age grand parents and kids have common interests.

[Anonymous]

Your example of them offering to watch the kids if you have another wedding isn’t a criticism. If you think they can handle it, next time they visit, go out to dinner with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

"You know, next time you have a wedding, we can watch the kids. There are flights to anywhere from the Atlanta airport and we have raised kids before, you know."

I don't hear the criticism of your parenting. You haven't successfully made that point, with your post. imo. The end of that sentence is dry humor. You need to make the time you offer-up roughly fair. Think hard about what would not inconvenience you too much that is the logistics cause resentment for you, and suggest ways to get together. If then they say no, you've tried.

[Anonymous]

As far as grandparent reaction goes, that was a really mild one, and I would not even call it passive aggressive. It's pretty direct and straight forward.

I think you just need to have thicker skin. It's factual that you spend a lot more time with your ILs and are closer to them. Your dad's reaction is completely natural, and he's letting you know they want more time with the kids.

I also would cut back on photo sharing online. I do this in my friend group: if we go on vacation with a sub set of friends, I don't share pics to the whole group where some friends might see them and get hurt. Hurt feelings among a group of friends can be illogical yet very natural. It's just basic curtesy to ppl in your social circle not to showcase what they're missing out on. You can do that with your parents in mind too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get exactly what you're saying. Your parents don't have reasonable expectations on how this would work. The live 2 hours from the airport! Of course getting the kids to them for a weekend trip would be difficult. The fact that they can't noodle through the logistics of this on their own, and instead choose to throw GUILT at you to try to get something they want, are red flags.

I of course don't know them. If you want your kids to see them more, you'll have to make it happen. If you feel a bit indifferent, but are feeling defensive because your kids had fun with the other grands, that's a YOU issue.

We tend to gravitate towards those that make it easy for us. If one set is making it easy and the other set is just complaining, of course you'll lean one way over the other.

I'd prepare a response that's less defensive and more confidant. "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you'd be willing to watch the kids! That's awesome to know. Maybe we can plan something for next summer." But the tit-for-tat nature of the comment could really irk me.

My kids have a difficult grandmother who would say the same thing. The other grandmother would say "oh I'm so thrilled the kids got to spend time with their Grandmother. How special". Guess which one we prefer to spend time with?

[Anonymous]

Then they shouldn't have moved to rural Georgia. What is there for kids to do there? 2 hours from ATL, I might as well drive to Philly.

[Anonymous]

The secret to dealing with passive aggressive comments is to ignore them! Let it fly over your head. My response would have been great we’ll keep that in mind if the situation comes up again. I would then completely forget about it and do Chicago again the next time.

If you choose to live in a boring, rural area that is two hours from an airport do not expect visitors. Enjoy your rural area by all means but your choice doesn’t mean others will contort themselves into knots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in Northern Virginia and recently dropped our kids (ages 6 and 4) in Chicago with my in laws for three days while we flew to a friend's wedding in California. They live in the middle of Chicago, which made getting around with our kids really easy for them, because they didn't need car seats to get anywhere; they just took the bus or walked. DH and I both grew up in Chicago and love that we are able to give our kids regular exposure to it, so they love it too.

We talk to my in laws once a week, they come visit us about every 3 months, and we go visit them twice a year. We all have a great relationship.

My parents moved to rural Georgia (2 hours from Atlanta) about 10 years ago. We've never had a close relationship. They visit us once a year (maybe twice) and we haven't visited them in a couple years.

Anyway, my parents saw pictures of the kids on our photo sharing app in Chicago with my in laws and my dad made the following passive aggressive comment to me: "You know, next time you have a wedding, we can watch the kids. There are flights to anywhere from the Atlanta airport and we have raised kids before, you know." I made some excuse about bundling the trip with a visit to the summer camp DH went to as a kid (which is true) and said most of our friends are married at this point, but we're excited for them to come visit for Thanksgiving.

I just don't know what to do about our relationship. I know they want to spend more time with their grandkids, but every time we see them, there's some comment like this or question about our parenting and I just don't want to deal with it. I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents and I don't know how to make that happen without opening myself up to more criticism from them. What would you do?

np I get it you have a history with your parents but, honestly I don't see this as passive aggressive. Let's face it when you think poorly of someone than everything they do is colored through that lens. Maybe try to see it from their point of view? They love your kids and want to be in their lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I kind of understand why your parents feelings might have been hurt. It sounds like you spend a lot more time with your in-laws, and make a lot more effort to make that happen. If you saw your parents regularly, those "criticisms" would not happen . . . and I don't even view them as critical, just maybe someone who is trying to express an emotion that may be uncomfortable. Remember that you may be in your parents' situation one day.

Are your parents willing to drive to the airport and pick up the kids so you could keep traveling? If so, give them a chance next time. I think you're being unfair to them.

[Anonymous]

Water off a duck's back, OP.

They should have thought of that before they moved to the middle of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret to dealing with passive aggressive comments is to ignore them! Let it fly over your head. My response would have been great we’ll keep that in mind if the situation comes up again. I would then completely forget about it and do Chicago again the next time.

If you choose to live in a boring, rural area that is two hours from an airport do not expect visitors. Enjoy your rural area by all means but your choice doesn’t mean others will contort themselves into knots.

So love is transactional Like what if they had to move there because of finances? Like too bad you can't give us an exciting vacation so F you?