Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

OP shared more context. Her children are young and the grandparents have similarly damaging way of treating their grandchildren as they do OP. Leaving them with the grandparents isn’t a healthy option. I think it’s great that OP is willing to facilitate, but if these grandparents are so keen to have the relationship, they need to accept OPs invitations.

Grandparent relationships can be among the most amazing in our lives, but not all grandparents fall naturally into a healthy relationship. I think OP is being very reasonable and is open to helping her parents. They are being stubborn and want the relationship on their terms. Grandparents who try to overrule parents seldom get what they want.

Did OP share how her parents treated her growing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

OP shared more context. Her children are young and the grandparents have similarly damaging way of treating their grandchildren as they do OP. Leaving them with the grandparents isn’t a healthy option. I think it’s great that OP is willing to facilitate, but if these grandparents are so keen to have the relationship, they need to accept OPs invitations.

Grandparent relationships can be among the most amazing in our lives, but not all grandparents fall naturally into a healthy relationship. I think OP is being very reasonable and is open to helping her parents. They are being stubborn and want the relationship on their terms. Grandparents who try to overrule parents seldom get what they want.

Did OP share how her parents treated her growing up?

She did:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

OP here. We're just going to have to agree to disagree about photo sharing. There are certainly benefits to text chains to share more personalized photos and life updates with close family and we have those text groups with both my parents and ILs. But the size and makeup of our extended family makes it impractical to share photos that way and doing so would exclude people, like our aunts, who signed up for monthly digests (rather than weekly or daily) from our photo app. We have a lot of family like this all over the country who we love deeply, but don't have a texting relationship with. Photo sharing apps like this are quite common and are a fantastic way for far away family to keep up with our kids without being on a text chain that's constantly pinging. My friends with smaller or more nuclear-focused families are more inclined toward text groups, while we and our friends with larger or more far-flung families, mostly use photo sharing apps. I wouldn't say that one approach is better or worse, just different modes for different needs.

Don't listen to PP. You shouldn't have to hide photos like you're in witness protection. Absolutely absurd.

Agreed. That person sounds like someone who would get "offended" by seeing grandchildren happy with other family members

I see this pov. I also see the pov that, if you know they get upset by it, it's really not that big of a deal to email or tet them pics separately. Not only would that be kinder for them -regardless of whether they should be offended or not, they are- but then you don't have to deal with the guilt trip. And, lbh, it's not THAT impractical. OP just doesn't want to do it. And that's fine. But that's their choice. Seems to be the problem could be handled easily but she's choosing to stand her ground as to the use of photo sharing. Whatever floats her boat, I guess.

Since you're firmly status quo, then your only options are confront or ignore. Not sure what else you're looking for here.

Maybe. That sounds like the answer is removing them from the app/family sharing, and they can get photos separately whenever the parents have time to send separately.

Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ve stopped thinking as relationships outside our nuclear family as my responsibility not that I don’t think relationships are work, but they are a *two way* street, and shouldn’t involve one person making all the efforts, concessions, and doing the life Tetris to make it work.

Yes, your children are young so some of the burden is on you until they maintain that relationship on their own, but that also downer mean you have to complicate your own life to make it work.

It’s not your responsibility to make it equal if one side of the family simplifies things and one makes it harder. It’s nice if you can make it fair by coming up with other opportunities for connection, like weekly calls or FaceTime instead of visits, or somehow opening up the opportunity for relationships that don’t include the things that bring you burden.

I firmly believe that the more people who love your child, the better for them, and the other people, but I also firmly believe that killing your own happiness to make that happen isn’t the right thing to do for anyone. People that truly, in their bones WANT this relationships will make it happen, even if the men’s are unconventional. Example - one of my dearest friends lived a huge distance away from us for years. She wanted to develop a relationship with my DD. She would send her random envelopes with dollar store craft finds and funny little pictures and notes. Now, DD is older and they can text and chatter to each other, and it is a relationship that is completely independent of me. I think it’s amazing.

Thank you for saying this. I get so frustrated with my various aunts who never call or text but give me a guilt trip every time I contact them for not contacting them more often like they don't have communication devices And lots more free time to communicate with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Definitely, OP needs to let her parents know the reasons why she "avoids" them. Then, deal with the life consequences of the fall out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I empathize with your lack of a deeper emotional connection with your parents. It sounds like they are good people, just not as connected to their own emotions, much less yours.
They just are not as emotionally intelligent and as expressive as you wish and need them to be.
If growing a relationship with them and your kids is important to you perhaps you could think of that as a process you lead, and teach.
Not as a burden to you but as an emotional process and sort of challenge for yourself.
I had a now deceased parent who was somewhat difficult.
As an adult, I came to the point of deciding to give to them what they could not give to me.
Of course o had boundaries but it was such a relief to stop trying to make someone be something they were not.
Perhaps you could try a few things:
-Stop seeing thing as proof of how you disconnected they are , but seeing it as a chance to MODEL connection
-Try FaceTiming more- mahe the call, and jet them just talk to the kids, walk away, let them figure out what to talk about.
-All invite them to visit, you and hubby go out for an evening or and overnite. Make some activity suggestions for them and the kiddos, let the kids tell grands what they like to do

- See if they want to meet in Atlanta to hang out for a few days. While you are together let
them sorta take the lead with the kids. It’s ok if they stumble a little it’s ok, as long as they are not mean.

-Once you feel comfortable enough let them stay 3 or 4 days with your parents. ITS OK IF THEY GET BORED. NO KID HAS EVER DIED OF BOREDOM!!!!!

The more you ease up a little maybe the more they will too. You will learn to “learn” each other and trust each other more .
Good Luck!

Thank you so much. This is very helpful perspective to hear.

[Anonymous]

I don't see this as passive aggressive at all. It's a kind offer. How lovely that they'd be willing to take your kids while you have a vacation!

[Anonymous]

This could have been prevented by not posting the photos. You can use the photo sharing ap for photos of just the family unit without extended family. Just email photos to grandparents from the visits you had with them.

People create so much drama and hurt posting photos publically that should just be shared with those in the photo. If it's too much work to make these adjustments, then you will likely have more fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rural Georgia sounds difficult. Can you encourage your parents to come visit you more often? Maybe buy them plane tickets if they can’t afford them. Assuming they are in good health, if they refuse to come, that’s on them

It seems like many times we ask them, they already have other plans. They're fairly active, with travel for their bowling league, cruises or trips to the beach every 3-4 months, and visiting my brother and his kids 3-4 times per year. I'm sure they would come here more frequently if we asked with more notice (we usually ask 6-8 weeks before the proposed visit date), but DH and I are not the kind of people that plan that far ahead.

What would happen if you said hey, dh and I are thinking of going away for a week this summer, could we meet up in Atlanta and then Larlo and Larla stay with you for a week? When would work for you?

OP shared more context. Her children are young and the grandparents have similarly damaging way of treating their grandchildren as they do OP. Leaving them with the grandparents isn’t a healthy option. I think it’s great that OP is willing to facilitate, but if these grandparents are so keen to have the relationship, they need to accept OPs invitations.

Grandparent relationships can be among the most amazing in our lives, but not all grandparents fall naturally into a healthy relationship. I think OP is being very reasonable and is open to helping her parents. They are being stubborn and want the relationship on their terms. Grandparents who try to overrule parents seldom get what they want.

OP is a neurotic drama queen reinforcing similar dysfunction in her own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could have been prevented by not posting the photos. You can use the photo sharing ap for photos of just the family unit without extended family. Just email photos to grandparents from the visits you had with them.

People create so much drama and hurt posting photos publically that should just be shared with those in the photo. If it's too much work to make these adjustments, then you will likely have more fallout.

No one is posting photos publically, they are just being shared with family. If certain members of the family cannot handle seeing grandchildren with other family members, they are welcome to remove themselves from the app.

[Anonymous]

My feeling is if grandparents want to be close you should try and see if it will actually happen. My in-laws kept saying they wanted time with the kids: fil cancelled on ds several times, they were always too busy...Now they are not close at all, but they did have the opportunity. So I'd test this out and see if they mean what they say. I loved my grandparents and cherish the time I spent with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feeling is if grandparents want to be close you should try and see if it will actually happen. My in-laws kept saying they wanted time with the kids: fil cancelled on ds several times, they were always too busy...Now they are not close at all, but they did have the opportunity. So I'd test this out and see if they mean what they say. I loved my grandparents and cherish the time I spent with them.

OP here. I had a great relationship with my grandparents, even though I know my parents' relationship with them was not the best. I know that sometimes people are different as grandparents than they were as parents (my paternal grandpa was a great example of this - strict and cold as a father, but loving and doting as a grandpa). I've settled on allowing my kids to video call my parents regularly and inviting them to visit about every 4-6 months. Realistically, they're busy and we'll still end up with 1-2 visits per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get exactly what you're saying. Your parents don't have reasonable expectations on how this would work. The live 2 hours from the airport! Of course getting the kids to them for a weekend trip would be difficult. The fact that they can't noodle through the logistics of this on their own, and instead choose to throw GUILT at you to try to get something they want, are red flags.

I of course don't know them. If you want your kids to see them more, you'll have to make it happen. If you feel a bit indifferent, but are feeling defensive because your kids had fun with the other grands, that's a YOU issue.

We tend to gravitate towards those that make it easy for us. If one set is making it easy and the other set is just complaining, of course you'll lean one way over the other.

I'd prepare a response that's less defensive and more confidant. "Oh Dad, I'm so glad you'd be willing to watch the kids! That's awesome to know. Maybe we can plan something for next summer." But the tit-for-tat nature of the comment could really irk me.

My kids have a difficult grandmother who would say the same thing. The other grandmother would say "oh I'm so thrilled the kids got to spend time with their Grandmother. How special". Guess which one we prefer to spend time with?

It’s hilarious that people like you preach that it is very important for you to “advocate” for yourself or for your kids to do the same, but if a parent does this, it is a character flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could have been prevented by not posting the photos. You can use the photo sharing ap for photos of just the family unit without extended family. Just email photos to grandparents from the visits you had with them.

People create so much drama and hurt posting photos publically that should just be shared with those in the photo. If it's too much work to make these adjustments, then you will likely have more fallout.

No one is posting photos publically, they are just being shared with family. If certain members of the family cannot handle seeing grandchildren with other family members, they are welcome to remove themselves from the app.

NP. Ok, it's' not public. Still sharing pics with those not in the picture and being left out. THose pics are not the same as just pics of you and your kids. And while it should be fine to do so, it can hurt peoples' feelings if the are not getting equal (or at least similar) treatment. That's human. And since OP appears disinclined to have a communication with her parents for the dissimilar treatment (whether it is fair or not) then it makes more sense not to share those photos and rub their noses in it.