Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Just let it roll off your back. Say, sure, or whatever. I'd not stop posting pictures because one set of grandparents don't like it. You have your own life to live. I understand you. Just carry on and if it suits you, make some arrangements with them and if not, then don't. They could also offer to come get the kids and take them for a trip, if they really wanted, instead of expecting you to travel to the middle of nowhere. I think they actually don't want to do anything and want to just complain. A lot of grandparents do this. I think it's their own guilt talking, so they're trying to put the blame on you. It's as if it becomes your problem to sustain the relationship between them and the grandkids. As somebody said, if someone wants a relationship, they make it happen. They're retired and have the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People love you. You poor thing! You are loved by your parents. Your parents want to see you. Your parents love and want to see their Grandchildren. Don't you posters realize how pitiful you sound?

You clearly do not have toxic relatives.

OP's parents don't sound toxic at all. I think it's very normal they felt hurt by the pics too. And they are offering to watch the grandkids! I don't see the issue here. Not everyone communicates perfectly all the time. It doesn't indicate toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are selfish. Even their offer of help is self based.

I don’t know OP. Your in-laws sound lovely.

Your parents sound like selfish monsters who build their “dream house” in the middle of nowhere. Yes, ATL has flights but rural Georgia is way far away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP's parents don't sound toxic at all. I think it's very normal they felt hurt by the pics too. And they are offering to watch the grandkids! I don't see the issue here. Not everyone communicates perfectly all the time. It doesn't indicate toxicity.

Why would anyone get hurt by pics of their grandkids having fun? The OP's parents are not offering to watch the grandkids. Having them "watch the grandkids" sounds like several days worth of hassle. It's like these people who are "let's get coffee some day". If they wanted to watch the grandkids, they'd so something about it, not just sit and wait for others to make that happen for them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your parents are hurt and angry that they aren’t getting a chance to develop a close relationship with your children, and seeing that happening with your in-laws feels like a twist of the knife to them.

I would try a direct conversation focused on acknowledging they want more time and what they can do to make it happen, assuming you feel comfortable with them having the kids. I would not get into past complaints, just ask them to focus on the present and future. If they can engage constructively that will tell you a lot. If they remain fixated on feeling slighted even after you say “I know you want more time with Larlo and Larla, let’s talk about how we can do it,” several times, that will also tell you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Nothing Op wrote supports the description "angry".

[Anonymous]

OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

[Anonymous]

Having read this entire thread, I can say that my heart breaks for your parents. You have a distinct lack of empathy for them. I'm sorry you didn't feel heard as you were growing up, but don't put that baggage on your own kids. They won't have a relationship with your parents not because of any failure on your parents' parts but because you restrict their time together.

Who cares that it's hard to get to them? Make the effort.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on your details above it does not seem as though your parents would be called abusive.

So it is obvious to me that you are CHOOSING to be closer to your ILs rather than your own parents. You are CHOOSING actions which exclude your parents.

Why is that?

You make it a point to show what living saints the ILs are, "...got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response." as opposed to your grumpy dad's. Well, platitudes come easy when you are the one on top - which is what the ILs are and they KNOW it.

You make it very clear you frequently go to the ILs in Chicago. Is there a reason you can't take a longer vacation to visit your parents, other than YOU find it boring there?

This isn't all about the kids, either. Keep in mind that YOU are your parents' child and they don't get to see you enough. Not to mention develop a relationship with your kids.

How would you feel if you were in their position? Would you be happy seeing your own child, and grandchildren, maybe once a year for a couple of days? And will you then verbally jump up and down and be supportive when they frequently go to their spouse's family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in Northern Virginia and recently dropped our kids (ages 6 and 4) in Chicago with my in laws for three days while we flew to a friend's wedding in California. They live in the middle of Chicago, which made getting around with our kids really easy for them, because they didn't need car seats to get anywhere; they just took the bus or walked. DH and I both grew up in Chicago and love that we are able to give our kids regular exposure to it, so they love it too.

We talk to my in laws once a week, they come visit us about every 3 months, and we go visit them twice a year. We all have a great relationship.

My parents moved to rural Georgia (2 hours from Atlanta) about 10 years ago. We've never had a close relationship. They visit us once a year (maybe twice) and we haven't visited them in a couple years.

Anyway, my parents saw pictures of the kids on our photo sharing app in Chicago with my in laws and my dad made the following passive aggressive comment to me: "You know, next time you have a wedding, we can watch the kids. There are flights to anywhere from the Atlanta airport and we have raised kids before, you know." I made some excuse about bundling the trip with a visit to the summer camp DH went to as a kid (which is true) and said most of our friends are married at this point, but we're excited for them to come visit for Thanksgiving.

I just don't know what to do about our relationship. I know they want to spend more time with their grandkids, but every time we see them, there's some comment like this or question about our parenting and I just don't want to deal with it. I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents and I don't know how to make that happen without opening myself up to more criticism from them. What would you do?

If your parents really wanted to see the kids they would try and establish a relationship with you.

And no, I wouldn't drop my kids off with grandparents who haven't seen them in a long time and who have been living alone for a while and who would not be used to two small kids and would not have the energy. It's just a disaster waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let it roll off your back. Say, sure, or whatever. I'd not stop posting pictures because one set of grandparents don't like it. You have your own life to live. I understand you. Just carry on and if it suits you, make some arrangements with them and if not, then don't. They could also offer to come get the kids and take them for a trip, if they really wanted, instead of expecting you to travel to the middle of nowhere. I think they actually don't want to do anything and want to just complain. A lot of grandparents do this. I think it's their own guilt talking, so they're trying to put the blame on you. It's as if it becomes your problem to sustain the relationship between them and the grandkids. As somebody said, if someone wants a relationship, they make it happen. They're retired and have the time.

This right here. Describes my parents perfectly. They rarely offer to spend time one on one with my DD. It's on me to facilitate the relationship and I'm just not going to anymore. Want to see her? Ask. Use your words. And don't act super put out when I ask if you can either drop off or pick up to make it not a pain for me.

ILs ask to see DD much more frequently and call her just to chat (my parents NEVER do). And when they hang out with her, they make it convenient for us because they know our time is limited and they have tons of time. They also offer to help out when we are in a bind.

And my parents are shocked that DD has a better relationship with my ILs than with them. You as a parent need to do what's best for your family ... dragging your kids to remote GA probably isn't it. They can come to you guys if that's more convenient for you/your kids (assuming they aren't so elderly they can't travel, which in that case, they probably aren't equipped to watch 2 young children on their own anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's parents don't sound toxic at all. I think it's very normal they felt hurt by the pics too. And they are offering to watch the grandkids! I don't see the issue here. Not everyone communicates perfectly all the time. It doesn't indicate toxicity.

Why would anyone get hurt by pics of their grandkids having fun? The OP's parents are not offering to watch the grandkids. Having them "watch the grandkids" sounds like several days worth of hassle. It's like these people who are "let's get coffee some day". If they wanted to watch the grandkids, they'd so something about it, not just sit and wait for others to make that happen for them.

Exactly. My parents visibly cringe when my DD mentions her other set of grandparents whereas my ILs ask her about any time they knew she spent with my parents (which is very little, but they ask).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ve stopped thinking as relationships outside our nuclear family as my responsibility not that I don’t think relationships are work, but they are a *two way* street, and shouldn’t involve one person making all the efforts, concessions, and doing the life Tetris to make it work.

Yes, your children are young so some of the burden is on you until they maintain that relationship on their own, but that also downer mean you have to complicate your own life to make it work.

It’s not your responsibility to make it equal if one side of the family simplifies things and one makes it harder. It’s nice if you can make it fair by coming up with other opportunities for connection, like weekly calls or FaceTime instead of visits, or somehow opening up the opportunity for relationships that don’t include the things that bring you burden.

I firmly believe that the more people who love your child, the better for them, and the other people, but I also firmly believe that killing your own happiness to make that happen isn’t the right thing to do for anyone. People that truly, in their bones WANT this relationships will make it happen, even if the men’s are unconventional. Example - one of my dearest friends lived a huge distance away from us for years. She wanted to develop a relationship with my DD. She would send her random envelopes with dollar store craft finds and funny little pictures and notes. Now, DD is older and they can text and chatter to each other, and it is a relationship that is completely independent of me. I think it’s amazing.

I love this post. YES. It sums up so many of the issues. We have grandparents who make it so so easy to see them and spend time with them. And we have one set who wants it to be easy, but without any work on their side, so then it's never very easy. With kids, the adults who don't live in the house have to do extra work to cultivate a relationship without making more work for the parents. If you don't want to do that, fine. But then of course you will get the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back to answer/respond to some of the common questions/comments.

Why my parents live in the middle of nowhere
My parents were transferred to Alabama for work about 15 years ago and retired within the past year. They had lived in Auburn, which was difficult to get to for us, but had fun small town/college town stuff to do once we were there. They have never been city people, despite growing up themselves and raising us in the suburbs of Chicago. Auburn was much more their pace and they've been very happy with a slower, smaller lifestyle. Over the past few years, as they prepared for their retirement, my parents started looking for places to retire and I had tried to encourage them toward a major airport or a closer drive that would make it easier for us to get there. Places like Florida or the Carolinas or Atlanta, where my mom has some cousins. Ultimately, they bought a plot of land in rural Georgia sort of near Columbus off a county road with a scattering of other houses. It's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself or one that I really understand at all, but they like it and I'm happy for them. To go from blue collar factory worker to building their own house is huge for them and I'm so proud. That said, it's hard for us to get there.

My relationship with my parents
Our relationship has always been a little awkward and strained. My parents have never been comfortable with emotions and it caused me to bottle up my feelings as a child in ways that I'm still working through as an adult. They have also admitted to never quite understanding me or my interests in reading, history, politics, living in a city, etc. They have always been proud of me, but never really known how to relate to me. My younger brother has always been their clear favorite, because he's very easygoing, athletic, outgoing, and a boy.

Over the years, I have gone through periods of calling my parents once or twice a week and also periods where I call them once a month. I am always the one to initiate contact, no matter how long it's been since our last phone call. Even the conversation I posted was the result of me calling them to say hi.

As a parent myself now, I am especially protective of my eldest (who is very emotional and struggles with anxiety) when we're around my parents, because they minimize her feelings when she's upset or sad, like they always did to me. At the same time, it's increasingly obvious that my younger daughter is picking up on the fact that she's not their favorite. My older one is quiet and content to sit and color for hours, which is more my parents' speed, so they'll often leave my younger one to play by herself (another situation I know from my childhood) while they both color or read with my eldest.

Photo Sharing
Regarding posting pictures of our kids, we use one of those private photo sharing apps that our friends and relatives have access to. Posting pictures of my kids having fun with my ILs allows our friends and DH's extended family to see them all together. We don't post publicly on social media and ask everyone else to keep them off Facebook as well, so posting on this app is how our family gets to see our kids grow. When we went on vacation with my parents last year, I posted photos of them with the kids and got nothing but nice comments from my ILs in response.

You need to be better with photo sharing: I live very far from family, and I have various threads for various family members/sides/groups. My in-laws would be so hurt seeing a lot of pics of my parents with the kids because they are not as close. My parents otoh love seeing pics of the kids with in-laws. You know how everyone feels, that your parents are sensitive, so why hurt them when you can avoid doing so easily?

And the coldness you describe is pretty typical of a lot of boomers due to how they were raised. They seem like fine, normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ve stopped thinking as relationships outside our nuclear family as my responsibility not that I don’t think relationships are work, but they are a *two way* street, and shouldn’t involve one person making all the efforts, concessions, and doing the life Tetris to make it work.

Yes, your children are young so some of the burden is on you until they maintain that relationship on their own, but that also downer mean you have to complicate your own life to make it work.

It’s not your responsibility to make it equal if one side of the family simplifies things and one makes it harder. It’s nice if you can make it fair by coming up with other opportunities for connection, like weekly calls or FaceTime instead of visits, or somehow opening up the opportunity for relationships that don’t include the things that bring you burden.

I firmly believe that the more people who love your child, the better for them, and the other people, but I also firmly believe that killing your own happiness to make that happen isn’t the right thing to do for anyone. People that truly, in their bones WANT this relationships will make it happen, even if the men’s are unconventional. Example - one of my dearest friends lived a huge distance away from us for years. She wanted to develop a relationship with my DD. She would send her random envelopes with dollar store craft finds and funny little pictures and notes. Now, DD is older and they can text and chatter to each other, and it is a relationship that is completely independent of me. I think it’s amazing.

I love this post. YES. It sums up so many of the issues. We have grandparents who make it so so easy to see them and spend time with them. And we have one set who wants it to be easy, but without any work on their side, so then it's never very easy. With kids, the adults who don't live in the house have to do extra work to cultivate a relationship without making more work for the parents. If you don't want to do that, fine. But then of course you will get the status quo.

OP here and yes, the work of hosting is a real thing.

It's much easier to spend time with my ILs because they do the work involved with hosting a visit. They have a list of activities we can do while we're there. Honestly, for a couple of years, we had to remind them of the limits of toddlers attention spans and ability to be on the go all day. But when we visit them, we show up and then they have more or less figured out some activity options each day and have meal suggestions, etc.

When we visit my parents, we show up and then are expected to come up with stuff to do in an area we are unfamiliar with. On our last four day visit, my parents suggested a trip to a playground, and then it was up to me to figure out how to keep my kids from going stir crazy the whole rest of the time and make decisions about what/where we would eat for lunch and dinner most days. It's stressful.