Parents guilting me about time with the grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret to dealing with passive aggressive comments is to ignore them! Let it fly over your head. My response would have been great we’ll keep that in mind if the situation comes up again. I would then completely forget about it and do Chicago again the next time.

If you choose to live in a boring, rural area that is two hours from an airport do not expect visitors. Enjoy your rural area by all means but your choice doesn’t mean others will contort themselves into knots.

Yes yes yes.

I agree with OP and find this comment passive aggressive, but it's easiest to let it roll off your back. Your parents are not being realistic about the logistics, but they also won't care to hear why it's easier to drop them with the ILs, so dont even bother.

[Anonymous]

every time we see them, there's some comment like this or question about our parenting and I just don't want to deal with it. I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents and I don't know how to make that happen without opening myself up to more criticism from them.

I am close with my parents, and in any close relationship there will be imperfect interactions and we can’t cancel each other because of it. We instead remember the good stuff and let it go for the sake of the overall relationship.

You said you are not close with your parents, which is probably why this is hard for you. If it is not worth it to maintain or repair that relationship, then don’t bother.

Also, I am surprised at the posters saying the grandparents deserve to be alone bc they live in a rural area. I have great memories of visiting my grandparents in a rural town. Taking long walks, reading, cooking and doing chores, playing card and board games in the evenings, working on random stuff like cartwheels. Just enjoying a slower pace of life.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the criticism, book a romantic BB near their house, dump the kids and enjoy yourself. Come up with a white lie as to why you only have time for dinner at a restaurant when you pick up the kids. Hard for them to really tuck into you in only 90 minutes. Avoid socializing at their house, it is home field advantage for them and that is when the claws will really come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I kind of understand why your parents feelings might have been hurt. It sounds like you spend a lot more time with your in-laws, and make a lot more effort to make that happen. If you saw your parents regularly, those "criticisms" would not happen . . . and I don't even view them as critical, just maybe someone who is trying to express an emotion that may be uncomfortable. Remember that you may be in your parents' situation one day.

Are your parents willing to drive to the airport and pick up the kids so you could keep traveling? If so, give them a chance next time. I think you're being unfair to them.

Yeah, that is a good technique to deal with difficult personalities, the put up or shut up method

"I'm sorry, there's no flights out of that airport that allow for 4 hours of driving and for us to get to our final destination in one day"

[Anonymous]

Nothing about there comments is passive aggressive. They are literally offering to care for your children! Why don’t you take them up on it??

You and your husband can plan a nice getaway and leave the kids with your parents. What a fabulous gift! Yes, the logistics are slightly more complex, but really - it’s slight. Can they drive to the airport to get your kids? If so, that’s a red herring!!

The fact that you’re not seeing this as a gift says that either 1) you’re leaving something big out about your parents (oh, actually, they were pretty verbally abusive to me as a kid) or 2) you’re still stuck in the teen/early 20 something place of “ugh, my parents are so annoying. I can’t believe they live somewhere so lame” in which case, grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about there comments is passive aggressive. They are literally offering to care for your children! Why don’t you take them up on it??

You and your husband can plan a nice getaway and leave the kids with your parents. What a fabulous gift! Yes, the logistics are slightly more complex, but really - it’s slight. Can they drive to the airport to get your kids? If so, that’s a red herring!!

The fact that you’re not seeing this as a gift says that either 1) you’re leaving something big out about your parents (oh, actually, they were pretty verbally abusive to me as a kid) or 2) you’re still stuck in the teen/early 20 something place of “ugh, my parents are so annoying. I can’t believe they live somewhere so lame” in which case, grow up!

Because OP has her life to live and driving multiple hours to her parents' house is not part of it, especially as they're not close. What's so hard to understand about that? This is on the grandparents. If they truly prioritized grandkids, they wouldn't have moved to Podunk.

I would like nothing more than to care for any grandkids that show up in the future, and I will plan my life in consequence.

[Anonymous]

I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ve stopped thinking as relationships outside our nuclear family as my responsibility not that I don’t think relationships are work, but they are a *two way* street, and shouldn’t involve one person making all the efforts, concessions, and doing the life Tetris to make it work.

Yes, your children are young so some of the burden is on you until they maintain that relationship on their own, but that also downer mean you have to complicate your own life to make it work.

It’s not your responsibility to make it equal if one side of the family simplifies things and one makes it harder. It’s nice if you can make it fair by coming up with other opportunities for connection, like weekly calls or FaceTime instead of visits, or somehow opening up the opportunity for relationships that don’t include the things that bring you burden.

I firmly believe that the more people who love your child, the better for them, and the other people, but I also firmly believe that killing your own happiness to make that happen isn’t the right thing to do for anyone. People that truly, in their bones WANT this relationships will make it happen, even if the men’s are unconventional. Example - one of my dearest friends lived a huge distance away from us for years. She wanted to develop a relationship with my DD. She would send her random envelopes with dollar store craft finds and funny little pictures and notes. Now, DD is older and they can text and chatter to each other, and it is a relationship that is completely independent of me. I think it’s amazing.

[Anonymous]

Why did your parents seemingly randomly relocate to a place two hours outside of Atlanta? I assume it's not a place you would ever visit if family wasn't there...or you would identify the place.

Moral of the story...don't move to a place nobody wants to visit and have to lay a guilt trip on people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your parents seemingly randomly relocate to a place two hours outside of Atlanta? I assume it's not a place you would ever visit if family wasn't there...or you would identify the place.

Moral of the story...don't move to a place nobody wants to visit and have to lay a guilt trip on people.

Probably cheap COL

[Anonymous]

OP did you not realize that posting pictures of your kids staying with your IL's would be hurtful? I don't think you have to do everything equal, but why rub their faces in it??

Now your upset that they reacted to being excluded. You need to own some of the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your parents seemingly randomly relocate to a place two hours outside of Atlanta? I assume it's not a place you would ever visit if family wasn't there...or you would identify the place.

Moral of the story...don't move to a place nobody wants to visit and have to lay a guilt trip on people.

Probably cheap COL

Obviously, but that comes with natural consequences. OP doesn't have to drive hours in a place she doesn't particularly like to compensate for that choice.

[Anonymous]

The bigger issue is that you just don’t feel close to your parents. That is fine. I’m not close with my dad. My kids know my aunt and uncle way better than my dad. It is fine. You just have to let their comments roll off your back and see them when it makes sense for you. You cannot control their feelings about this.

[Anonymous]

People love you. You poor thing! You are loved by your parents. Your parents want to see you. Your parents love and want to see their Grandchildren. Don't you posters realize how pitiful you sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People love you. You poor thing! You are loved by your parents. Your parents want to see you. Your parents love and want to see their Grandchildren. Don't you posters realize how pitiful you sound?

You clearly do not have toxic relatives.

[Anonymous]

Rural Georgia? In a couple of years this will be perfect for summer camp at Grandma and Grandpa’s—they can run around and do outdoorsy stuff. Does your dad fish? I have friends who have parents in rural areas who typically send their kids for a couple of weeks every summer and it saves them thousands on summer camp and the kids have a great time.