I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

Write out a list of each other's daily responsibilities side by side.

If seeing it in print doesn't open his eyes than nothing else will.

We did this, at my insistence. When he saw my list, he asked to go back and revise his to add more things. He added items like “troubleshoot internet cable issues” “handled ds’ circumcision”

Our son is 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are nasty, and that has nothing to do with anything he wants. It is not YOU who pays for this; it is WE, even if you are the spouse who earns more money! Was it all his money when he earned more? Did you consider that HIS money or your mutual money?
I can't even start to think about his admin request, but I would be divorcing you for having YOUR money and now OUR money.
The only gripe you should have is that he needs to equally pitch with the kidsand the household. Instead, you are trying to make him feel like he has no money.

He has asked me for money twice in the last 2 months. Bc he hasn’t been able to pay his bills. There are bills that are ours, there are bills that are mine, and bills that are his. We’ve never done one pot of shared money or bills.

There are no bills that are his and yours in a marriage. You keep proving what a narcissistic abuser you are. You need to get off your high horse and start being a partner in a marriage.

Nope. His credit card bills are his. Mine are mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that "lucrative side hustle" some kind of MLM?

No. He would be taking on legal cases in a diff area of the law from his full time job. He is basically asking me to be an admin. Bc he “isn’t organized”

Divorce this dude. You don't have a partner, you have clearly lost respect for him, he's not helping build toward a comfortable retirement (hello? You'll be funding that too, OP), you resent him immensely and it sounds like it's mutual, you have another child, not a husband. At least with divorce you might get 2-3 days to yourself each week (assuming he's a decent dad and you'd be ok with shared custody).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are nasty, and that has nothing to do with anything he wants. It is not YOU who pays for this; it is WE, even if you are the spouse who earns more money! Was it all his money when he earned more? Did you consider that HIS money or your mutual money?
I can't even start to think about his admin request, but I would be divorcing you for having YOUR money and now OUR money.
The only gripe you should have is that he needs to equally pitch with the kidsand the household. Instead, you are trying to make him feel like he has no money.

He has asked me for money twice in the last 2 months. Bc he hasn’t been able to pay his bills. There are bills that are ours, there are bills that are mine, and bills that are his. We’ve never done one pot of shared money or bills.

This doesn’t seem healthy for your marriage.

You are wrong. You can't make a blanket statement like that as if your truth, your reality, must be the same as everyone's. My husband and I have been married for 25 and have never merged bank accounts. It works for us just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

How is the OP miserable when this man actually told her “what else do you have to do that you can’t help with this” and she’s working FT and managing all the load of being a parent and managing a household while he doesn’t help? She’s a problem for being resentful? Absolutely not. You’re trying to gaslight this poor OP too.

Sounds like he is working. She is now earning twice as much as he does, and in the past he outearned by twice as much. But, somehow she seemed ok when she was earning less, but is not ok with him earning less.

When I earned less, I did disproportionately more around the house, cooking, cleaning etc.

I still do all of that, plus kids, and making more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure that not making as much money makes one irresponsible and worthy of contempt. In many families the breadwinner pays for a lot more…it doesn’t mean the other person is irresponsible.

Ranting about paying for more in a marriage is certainly something that will get different reactions depending on gender.

It's very clearly not the money that is triggering the contempt. It's his lack of taking care of anything else to do with the kids, the house, planning, logistics, etc. She said she was tired of being the only responsible one, not the only one with a W-2.

Most men get away with doing little or nothing around the house or with the kids by playing the "I pay for everything" card. When you don't pull you weight in the family or the checkbook, there's nowhere to hide.

That said, I think it's obvious OP knows she shouldn't have lost her shit with him and ranted. And I think it's equally as obvious that he has no intention of making more money (as an attorney, "find some spare clients in a field where I have no training and expect free admin services from yet another fully employed attorney" is not a real thing. It's 99% certain that neither DH nor OP can do this, under their current work agreements, and it's 100% certain that it would not be lucrative between having to learn the law, buy professional liability insurance, and drum up business) but rather wants to cosplay as someone trying to respond to the critique without actually putting in any effort himself.

Without counseling I think the contempt is too deep for this marriage. Whether OP wants to go to counseling with someone who she views essentially as an albatross is not clear.

Except it is about the money. She is complaining that he isn’t paying his bills and asks her for money. She goes on about how she has to pay for family things like vacations. She sees him as lesser than because he makes less money than she does. I don’t know if the expenses are split proportionally to income or not. Commonly when women are breadwinners they tend to pay disproportionately less than male breadwinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

To add: We are both lawyers. He does not work for a firm.

you’re both lawyers, you out earn him, AND he wants to you play legal secretary for him? Oh HAYL no. Seriously wtf.

[Anonymous]

I'm seriously side eyeing a lawyer who thinks he can just pick up cases in a new area but then doesn't have a plan for handling organization. Sounds like an ethical minefield. Will he have a separate trust account set up? Docket software? What's his plan to protect client data? Does his malpractice insurance cover this?

But OP, you're a lawyer, certainly you noticed this too? What's his ethics plan here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

How is the OP miserable when this man actually told her “what else do you have to do that you can’t help with this” and she’s working FT and managing all the load of being a parent and managing a household while he doesn’t help? She’s a problem for being resentful? Absolutely not. You’re trying to gaslight this poor OP too.

Sounds like he is working. She is now earning twice as much as he does, and in the past he outearned by twice as much. But, somehow she seemed ok when she was earning less, but is not ok with him earning less.

When I earned less, I did disproportionately more around the house, cooking, cleaning etc.

I still do all of that, plus kids, and making more.

It has nothing to do with the income one spouse makes. That he doesn't help with the kids and the house is your only legit gripe here. All the rest is you being a horrible partner. He asked his spouse for help, what is wrong with that? You can turn it down, instead you are lashing out BCS he doesn't earn as much as you. Just the fact that you can't stop and take any advice shows that you are not a loving spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Sounds frustrating but DH and I are a team. I'd probably try to help him with this.

Where was the team effort on his part this whole time that I’ve been holding things down financially and logistically? But now that he needs help, we should be a team.

Yes I am aware I have deep contempt and resentment

Where was the team effort on your part when he was earning twice as much as you?

Oh stuff it. Presumably she was giving birth to their children while at the same time working diligently so that she could position herself for promotions.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a terrible husband, partner, AND a failed lawyer. Do you still love this man? I suspect no. Divorce. Stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's asking a lawyer to act as his secretary. It's insulting and a waste of her labor. If she wanted to do more work, she could make more doing extra hours at her job and make more money..

Just another mediocre man expecting a woman to prop him up.

yup. that’s the insult to injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's asking a lawyer to act as his secretary. It's insulting and a waste of her labor. If she wanted to do more work, she could make more doing extra hours at her job and make more money..

Just another mediocre man expecting a woman to prop him up.

yup. that’s the insult to injury.

Given how many women are propped up financially by men…not sure you want to start insulting that. The % of women who pay 50% or more of all family / household expenses is much less than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure that not making as much money makes one irresponsible and worthy of contempt. In many families the breadwinner pays for a lot more…it doesn’t mean the other person is irresponsible.

Ranting about paying for more in a marriage is certainly something that will get different reactions depending on gender.

It's very clearly not the money that is triggering the contempt. It's his lack of taking care of anything else to do with the kids, the house, planning, logistics, etc. She said she was tired of being the only responsible one, not the only one with a W-2.

Most men get away with doing little or nothing around the house or with the kids by playing the "I pay for everything" card. When you don't pull you weight in the family or the checkbook, there's nowhere to hide.

That said, I think it's obvious OP knows she shouldn't have lost her shit with him and ranted. And I think it's equally as obvious that he has no intention of making more money (as an attorney, "find some spare clients in a field where I have no training and expect free admin services from yet another fully employed attorney" is not a real thing. It's 99% certain that neither DH nor OP can do this, under their current work agreements, and it's 100% certain that it would not be lucrative between having to learn the law, buy professional liability insurance, and drum up business) but rather wants to cosplay as someone trying to respond to the critique without actually putting in any effort himself.

Without counseling I think the contempt is too deep for this marriage. Whether OP wants to go to counseling with someone who she views essentially as an albatross is not clear.

Except it is about the money. She is complaining that he isn’t paying his bills and asks her for money. She goes on about how she has to pay for family things like vacations. She sees him as lesser than because he makes less money than she does. I don’t know if the expenses are split proportionally to income or not. Commonly when women are breadwinners they tend to pay disproportionately less than male breadwinners.

Let's be clear: she sees him as lesser because he does less in *every* arena. There's nowhere in their life where he's stepping up, so she has to lead on every front. That's whay she sees him as less. She's focused on the money because money is something he could fix but is choosing not to. By her account, she has *always* done more with the kids and house, but at one point he made much more money than he does now. Then someone moved his cheese and he's floundered for 8 years. There's no indication he will ever pull his weight around the family (or even could, if you believe all the insta-diagnoses offered to underperforming men on DCUM), but there's proof he could make more money. So that's what she's asking him to do, and his solution is . . . to tell her to do the work, for free, so he can claim the income himself.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

How is the OP miserable when this man actually told her “what else do you have to do that you can’t help with this” and she’s working FT and managing all the load of being a parent and managing a household while he doesn’t help? She’s a problem for being resentful? Absolutely not. You’re trying to gaslight this poor OP too.

Sounds like he is working. She is now earning twice as much as he does, and in the past he outearned by twice as much. But, somehow she seemed ok when she was earning less, but is not ok with him earning less.

When I earned less, I did disproportionately more around the house, cooking, cleaning etc.

I still do all of that, plus kids, and making more.

It has nothing to do with the income one spouse makes. That he doesn't help with the kids and the house is your only legit gripe here. All the rest is you being a horrible partner. He asked his spouse for help, what is wrong with that? You can turn it down, instead you are lashing out BCS he doesn't earn as much as you. Just the fact that you can't stop and take any advice shows that you are not a loving spouse.

What's wrong with him asking her to be his secretary for his side hustle? You can't be serious. She is already fully employed. This is simply his way of being passive aggressive. He'll do what she wants but not without burdening her. Plus OP said he doesn't like his job! Why the hell hasn't he found a better, more lucrative job? Because he's lazy and has lost his manhood.