I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are nasty, and that has nothing to do with anything he wants. It is not YOU who pays for this; it is WE, even if you are the spouse who earns more money! Was it all his money when he earned more? Did you consider that HIS money or your mutual money?
I can't even start to think about his admin request, but I would be divorcing you for having YOUR money and now OUR money.
The only gripe you should have is that he needs to equally pitch with the kidsand the household. Instead, you are trying to make him feel like he has no money.

He has asked me for money twice in the last 2 months. Bc he hasn’t been able to pay his bills. There are bills that are ours, there are bills that are mine, and bills that are his. We’ve never done one pot of shared money or bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are nasty, and that has nothing to do with anything he wants. It is not YOU who pays for this; it is WE, even if you are the spouse who earns more money! Was it all his money when he earned more? Did you consider that HIS money or your mutual money?
I can't even start to think about his admin request, but I would be divorcing you for having YOUR money and now OUR money.
The only gripe you should have is that he needs to equally pitch with the kidsand the household. Instead, you are trying to make him feel like he has no money.

He has asked me for money twice in the last 2 months. Bc he hasn’t been able to pay his bills. There are bills that are ours, there are bills that are mine, and bills that are his. We’ve never done one pot of shared money or bills.

This doesn’t seem healthy for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

Write out a list of each other's daily responsibilities side by side.

If seeing it in print doesn't open his eyes than nothing else will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private school. Clearly money is not a problem.

That's an assumption -- they could go to catholic school which is practically nothing compared to private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

It sounds like he did have a plan, he's just asking for your help. You are a team. If his plan works out you won't have to be the breadwinner anymore. You sound pretty lucky to me.

[Anonymous]

He's asking a lawyer to act as his secretary. It's insulting and a waste of her labor. If she wanted to do more work, she could make more doing extra hours at her job and make more money..

Just another mediocre man expecting a woman to prop him up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are nasty, and that has nothing to do with anything he wants. It is not YOU who pays for this; it is WE, even if you are the spouse who earns more money! Was it all his money when he earned more? Did you consider that HIS money or your mutual money?
I can't even start to think about his admin request, but I would be divorcing you for having YOUR money and now OUR money.
The only gripe you should have is that he needs to equally pitch with the kidsand the household. Instead, you are trying to make him feel like he has no money.

He has asked me for money twice in the last 2 months. Bc he hasn’t been able to pay his bills. There are bills that are ours, there are bills that are mine, and bills that are his. We’ve never done one pot of shared money or bills.

There are no bills that are his and yours in a marriage. You keep proving what a narcissistic abuser you are. You need to get off your high horse and start being a partner in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

He’s dumping the responsibility for his “side hustle” back in your lap. He knows you don’t have time for that and when it fails he can blame you.
Maybe he’s resentful that you can do as much as you do. He won’t “help you” succeed by doing more with the family or get a higher paying job. It’s his resentment that’s the issue and he is too cowardly to face it.
Yes he’s gaslighting you. 💯
I don’t understand all the comments about ADHD as an excuse for a marriage partner who refuses to be a partner.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you get a nanny, or some help with chores, and laundry etc. to lighten your load?
I would not be his admin period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's asking a lawyer to act as his secretary. It's insulting and a waste of her labor. If she wanted to do more work, she could make more doing extra hours at her job and make more money..

Just another mediocre man expecting a woman to prop him up.

+1. He needs to get his S**t together. Go to counseling or a life coach to have a 3rd party tell him that. Otherwise, he will keep resenting you for being the adult in the relationship. Do NOT cover for his failings or become his secretary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are no bills that are his and yours in a marriage. You keep proving what a narcissistic abuser you are. You need to get off your high horse and start being a partner in a marriage.

You sound like my borderline personality, conflict avoidant, play the victim Ex H.

[Anonymous]

This is not gaslighting. Please look up the word.

I would be annoyed, too.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure that not making as much money makes one irresponsible and worthy of contempt. In many families the breadwinner pays for a lot more…it doesn’t mean the other person is irresponsible.

Ranting about paying for more in a marriage is certainly something that will get different reactions depending on gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure that not making as much money makes one irresponsible and worthy of contempt. In many families the breadwinner pays for a lot more…it doesn’t mean the other person is irresponsible.

Ranting about paying for more in a marriage is certainly something that will get different reactions depending on gender.

It's very clearly not the money that is triggering the contempt. It's his lack of taking care of anything else to do with the kids, the house, planning, logistics, etc. She said she was tired of being the only responsible one, not the only one with a W-2.

Most men get away with doing little or nothing around the house or with the kids by playing the "I pay for everything" card. When you don't pull you weight in the family or the checkbook, there's nowhere to hide.

That said, I think it's obvious OP knows she shouldn't have lost her shit with him and ranted. And I think it's equally as obvious that he has no intention of making more money (as an attorney, "find some spare clients in a field where I have no training and expect free admin services from yet another fully employed attorney" is not a real thing. It's 99% certain that neither DH nor OP can do this, under their current work agreements, and it's 100% certain that it would not be lucrative between having to learn the law, buy professional liability insurance, and drum up business) but rather wants to cosplay as someone trying to respond to the critique without actually putting in any effort himself.

Without counseling I think the contempt is too deep for this marriage. Whether OP wants to go to counseling with someone who she views essentially as an albatross is not clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There are no bills that are his and yours in a marriage. You keep proving what a narcissistic abuser you are. You need to get off your high horse and start being a partner in a marriage.

You sound like my borderline personality, conflict avoidant, play the victim Ex H.

I am sorry your ex was a narc and they are all victims of their own making. You know that. However, I am in a very healthy marriage, have been married for 30 years, and I know what a healthy marriage looks like. It doesn't look like OPs, nor do mentally healthy people in a healthy marriage have separate bills. If you have no learned that, I hope that in the future, you will find a partner who will show you what kindness is and what a healthy relationship looks like. If this is OP, you just keep proving you are a narcissist gaslighting people