I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell if I’m crazy, being Gaslit, if he’s an a hole or if I’m the a hole.

I’m long time breadwinner. Dh used to make double my salary. He got laid off 8 years ago and never recovered. Since then, I’ve out earned him. I almost make double him now. It’s been frustrating to see him underemployed AND stressed about money AND complaining that he doesn’t like his job. On top of that, I handle the mental load at home. Kid stuff, school signups, it’s me.

I had a moment last week and got very overwhelmed last week with a kid starting a new school/ the sign ups, ordering uniforms, the paperwork, the invoices for payment etc. I had an outburst/vent and flipped out at dh. I said to him- im tired of being the responsible one. For feeling like the only adult. I need to be with someone who has their sht together. I pay for the family vacations, I pay for the schooling, I do the forms, I need a partner. I’m resentful.

Fast fwd to this week. Dh said “I have an opportunity for a side hustle that’s lucrative. But I’m not organized enough to keep track of everything. If only I had an organized smart wife who could help me with it.”

I lost my sht. I said I hear you saying that it’s my responsibility to help get you organized? It’s my responsibility to help you with another job? I have a full time job.”

Him: “I have a full time job too. What else do you have to do that you can’t help with this? You can’t say I’m lazy and not bringing in enough money and then also reject the opportunity to help bring in More income for our family.”

I can’t tell if I’m being gaslit or what. Just giving my honest feelings here. I am extremely resentful that he is underemployed, under paid, and not picking up the slack at home, AND also asking me to help him with a side hustle. It feels unfair that I told him I’m stressed about money, mental load, and that he isn’t contributing adequately….and the result is asking me to do even more??

He’s now turned this into- he feels unsupported and that I’m not willing to do more than the minimum. “If you came to me with an opportunity make more money for our family, I’d jump and say how can I help you. And you won’t do the same.”

Keeping it really real: HE IS NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT. THAT ISNT A GROUP PROJECT. I’ve been doing my share and his for far too long. It’s time for him to step it up. Not ADD TO MY PLATE.

Am I an ahole? Am I being gaslit?

[Anonymous]

Tell him to go in for an evaluation and get treated for ADHD. I haven't found medication or treatment to give me what I need to run a business, though. He at least needs some awareness of what's going on with him. He was probably excited but feeling bad about himself and his weaknesses and he feels attacked. I believe your side of the story, but he is probably actually doing the best he can too. It's just not "good enough" for you or your family. He probably needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go in for an evaluation and get treated for ADHD. I haven't found medication or treatment to give me what I need to run a business, though. He at least needs some awareness of what's going on with him. He was probably excited but feeling bad about himself and his weaknesses and he feels attacked. I believe your side of the story, but he is probably actually doing the best he can too. It's just not "good enough" for you or your family. He probably needs therapy.

But also, as someone with ADHD, good luck getting him to make a therapy appointment. LOL. It's so impossible. You may have to help him do that.

[Anonymous]

Can he just get a higher paying ft job instead? I'd focus there

[Anonymous]

I’d take this as an opportunity to sit down and write out a 50-50 schedule for everything that has to be done, including some time every day for “admin” tasks. Then ask him where the side hustle fits.

[Anonymous]

I would lose my mind. Sorry. If you give him a task like “drive Larla here at 6” does he do it? You may need to just find a way he’s doing all the things he can do.

Don’t add anything to your plate. Tell him to stop complaining to you. He needs to find some one else to complain to.

[Anonymous]

Is that "lucrative side hustle" some kind of MLM?

[Anonymous]

You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

[Anonymous]

You are 100% being gaslit by him. He needs to figure it out and get a new job and help more around the house and with the kids. I am so sorry for you OP. There is no other way to slice it. Also, I have ADHD and that is not an excuse for all this. If he does happen to have it, which, let’s be real, this is a man we’re talking about, it wouldn’t have been as overlooked in his youth the way it would have been if the genders were reversed, but if he does have it and has been undiagnosed for this long, he still needs to get support and figure out how to be a good partner. So he’s still in the wrong and gaslighting you. Please get to therapy. Get a male therapist because he already sounds like one of those men who don’t listen to the expertise of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

How is the OP miserable when this man actually told her “what else do you have to do that you can’t help with this” and she’s working FT and managing all the load of being a parent and managing a household while he doesn’t help? She’s a problem for being resentful? Absolutely not. You’re trying to gaslight this poor OP too.

[Anonymous]

I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm speaking as a wife in a similar situation. I basically tell him what to do and where to be with the kids. Vacation planning, extracurriculars, all me. He always follows through though.
He is working in a job that is just above entry level. He is good at it and comfortable so he doesn't try for more. His boss is happy to have him in that job because he does the work of 3 people.
I've asked him when he will try to find something more lucrative and he basically says "I'll know when it's right." I've given him ideas and even helped him study for exams but nothing pans out.
I'd be really happy if my husband had an idea for a side hustle. In fact I'd probably drop everything to help.

I profoundly resent that the response to “I’m stressed about money and that you’re not pulling your weight” was “ok I have an opportunity to make more money, but I can’t do it without your help organizing files, tracking records, etc.”

What I want to hear is: “I know I haven’t been doing my fair share. It’s been hard on you. Here’s my plan to solve it.”

What I heard- literal quotes “I have a wife with a jd who is organized and smart but selfish and unwilling to do more than your share. I could get a high schooler to do what you won’t do. We aren’t going to build up anything waiting on incremental salary increases.”

My thoughts: if it’s so easy a high schooler can do it, then why can’t you do it? It’s your problem that you are underemployed and underpaid. Go fix it. If a person says they are stressed out, you say ok, let me tell you how I’m going to help and alleviate things. It’s time for me to step it up. You don’t ADD MORE TO DOS to the plate of the person who is the bread winner and doing the domestic crap. It feels like gaslighting bc he is blaming me for not helping instead of focusing on why he can’t help himself or figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Private school. Clearly money is not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is that "lucrative side hustle" some kind of MLM?

No. He would be taking on legal cases in a diff area of the law from his full time job. He is basically asking me to be an admin. Bc he “isn’t organized”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is that "lucrative side hustle" some kind of MLM?

No. He would be taking on legal cases in a diff area of the law from his full time job. He is basically asking me to be an admin. Bc he “isn’t organized”

Are you a lawyer?