I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if I’m crazy, being Gaslit, if he’s an a hole or if I’m the a hole.

I’m long time breadwinner. Dh used to make double my salary. He got laid off 8 years ago and never recovered. Since then, I’ve out earned him. I almost make double him now. It’s been frustrating to see him underemployed AND stressed about money AND complaining that he doesn’t like his job. On top of that, I handle the mental load at home. Kid stuff, school signups, it’s me.

I had a moment last week and got very overwhelmed last week with a kid starting a new school/ the sign ups, ordering uniforms, the paperwork, the invoices for payment etc. I had an outburst/vent and flipped out at dh. I said to him- im tired of being the responsible one. For feeling like the only adult. I need to be with someone who has their sht together. I pay for the family vacations, I pay for the schooling, I do the forms, I need a partner. I’m resentful.

Fast fwd to this week. Dh said “I have an opportunity for a side hustle that’s lucrative. But I’m not organized enough to keep track of everything. If only I had an organized smart wife who could help me with it.”

I lost my sht. I said I hear you saying that it’s my responsibility to help get you organized? It’s my responsibility to help you with another job? I have a full time job.”

Him: “I have a full time job too. What else do you have to do that you can’t help with this? You can’t say I’m lazy and not bringing in enough money and then also reject the opportunity to help bring in More income for our family.”

I can’t tell if I’m being gaslit or what. Just giving my honest feelings here. I am extremely resentful that he is underemployed, under paid, and not picking up the slack at home, AND also asking me to help him with a side hustle. It feels unfair that I told him I’m stressed about money, mental load, and that he isn’t contributing adequately….and the result is asking me to do even more??

He’s now turned this into- he feels unsupported and that I’m not willing to do more than the minimum. “If you came to me with an opportunity make more money for our family, I’d jump and say how can I help you. And you won’t do the same.”

Keeping it really real: HE IS NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT. THAT ISNT A GROUP PROJECT. I’ve been doing my share and his for far too long. It’s time for him to step it up. Not ADD TO MY PLATE.

Am I an ahole? Am I being gaslit?

Did he lose his mind like you do when he was making twice as much as you?

Nope. Because I handled just about everything related to home, i paid my proportion of the bills, and kept the trains running. And I certainly never asked him for money for any of my personal expenses.

Now I still do all of this…plus make more money…plus kids.

Once again, you are bragging about doing “everything” at home BEFORE YOU HAD KIDS. What exactly was there to do that would justify you only bringing in HALF his income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound miserable, to be honest. I predict you two will divorce in 2025.

How is the OP miserable when this man actually told her “what else do you have to do that you can’t help with this” and she’s working FT and managing all the load of being a parent and managing a household while he doesn’t help? She’s a problem for being resentful? Absolutely not. You’re trying to gaslight this poor OP too.

Sounds like he is working. She is now earning twice as much as he does, and in the past he outearned by twice as much. But, somehow she seemed ok when she was earning less, but is not ok with him earning less.

I’m less sympathetic now I know you are both lawyers, OP.

You’re making 200k or more and he’s making 100k. Let me get my tissues to wipe my eyes.

If you don’t have enough time, hire help.

Ha. Op here. I make 150k and he makes 75.

What lawyer with 5+ years of experience who lives in the DC metro and works full time makes $75k? Is he legal aid or something?

Stop whining about chores and side hustles. He needs to find a better job and you can always hire a maid, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me a lot of my husband - at least he didn't ask me personally to help with his side hustle but he did ask to take off hours and hours from home to go pursue it even though it is an unpaid invention idea. He has tons of inventions in his mind that never pan out and can keep his regular jobs

DH invested in an idea to create new apparel category that flipped the script on shirts, using them as pants. Armholes as pant legs; neck hole as breeze feature.There was a lot of enthusiasm at the outset but sales did not follow. Now we are left with 3,600 of them and only pennies. Heartbreaking

We're not talking about this post enough

Honestly, it’s important just to be listened to. The idea to throw the rulebook out on what constitutes pants was fun to be a part of, but not at the expense of our meager savings. The pallets stacked with the unsold stock are hard to take which why is I am hopeful a buyer can be identified. That is why I was suggesting OP husband take a look at this turnkey opportunity for a new revenue stream. With the right management, the potential is there.

[Anonymous]

Adjacently, some lawyers do successfully side hustle in subject matter areas they are qualified in. Fractional GCs or wills seem kind of an example, litigation less so. Need to have separate malpractice insurance and corporate structure, and approval from main hustle, obviously, but that can be manageable depending on field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if I’m crazy, being Gaslit, if he’s an a hole or if I’m the a hole.

I’m long time breadwinner. Dh used to make double my salary. He got laid off 8 years ago and never recovered. Since then, I’ve out earned him. I almost make double him now. It’s been frustrating to see him underemployed AND stressed about money AND complaining that he doesn’t like his job. On top of that, I handle the mental load at home. Kid stuff, school signups, it’s me.

I had a moment last week and got very overwhelmed last week with a kid starting a new school/ the sign ups, ordering uniforms, the paperwork, the invoices for payment etc. I had an outburst/vent and flipped out at dh. I said to him- im tired of being the responsible one. For feeling like the only adult. I need to be with someone who has their sht together. I pay for the family vacations, I pay for the schooling, I do the forms, I need a partner. I’m resentful.

Fast fwd to this week. Dh said “I have an opportunity for a side hustle that’s lucrative. But I’m not organized enough to keep track of everything. If only I had an organized smart wife who could help me with it.”

I lost my sht. I said I hear you saying that it’s my responsibility to help get you organized? It’s my responsibility to help you with another job? I have a full time job.”

Him: “I have a full time job too. What else do you have to do that you can’t help with this? You can’t say I’m lazy and not bringing in enough money and then also reject the opportunity to help bring in More income for our family.”

I can’t tell if I’m being gaslit or what. Just giving my honest feelings here. I am extremely resentful that he is underemployed, under paid, and not picking up the slack at home, AND also asking me to help him with a side hustle. It feels unfair that I told him I’m stressed about money, mental load, and that he isn’t contributing adequately….and the result is asking me to do even more??

He’s now turned this into- he feels unsupported and that I’m not willing to do more than the minimum. “If you came to me with an opportunity make more money for our family, I’d jump and say how can I help you. And you won’t do the same.”

Keeping it really real: HE IS NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT. THAT ISNT A GROUP PROJECT. I’ve been doing my share and his for far too long. It’s time for him to step it up. Not ADD TO MY PLATE.

Am I an ahole? Am I being gaslit?

Did he lose his mind like you do when he was making twice as much as you?

Nope. Because I handled just about everything related to home, i paid my proportion of the bills, and kept the trains running. And I certainly never asked him for money for any of my personal expenses.

Now I still do all of this…plus make more money…plus kids.

Once again, you are bragging about doing “everything” at home BEFORE YOU HAD KIDS. What exactly was there to do that would justify you only bringing in HALF his income?

You’ve got issues

[Anonymous]

It’s not a competition. Just support each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a competition. Just support each other.

Tell it to her DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adjacently, some lawyers do successfully side hustle in subject matter areas they are qualified in. Fractional GCs or wills seem kind of an example, litigation less so. Need to have separate malpractice insurance and corporate structure, and approval from main hustle, obviously, but that can be manageable depending on field.

The fact that some people hold lawyers in high esteem always cracked me up. We have manage law schools in this county. If you have tuition, you have a degree.

[Anonymous]

Specialty apparel, whether online or a bricks and mortar setting (a pop-up shop can be a good way to test the waters), could be a productive sideline for OP’s DH or others. Am aware of turnkey opportunity to acquire retail-ready stock sufficient to launch business. Category buster is innovative combination of t-shirts & shorts.