Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce. Lead an independent life. Have whatever love life you want. If he is so devoted to you, choose any amount of contact, with him, you wish ... after you have divorced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

? People do find work fulfilling or interesting for all kinds of reasons separate from money (being of service, in community, self esteem, interest in the field etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

Honestly, he might have realized what it would cost to divorce and decided to stay. He might be hiding $. A friend's husband did this. Pretended to want back in (after cheating) and pretended to do the work. We all told her to talk to an attorney asap. She didn't. After a little more than a year (and he continued to cheat), he filed and pretended he had no money, etc. He hid it. He had put things in his new girlfriends name, made it seem like she suddenly had millions of $$ (she was a waitress at a restaurant he owned). He was worth easily $25+ million (owner of a company he sold). She went through multiple attorneys, forensic accountants, and finally had to put liens on homes and another business in order to eventually collect a few million, when she would have been received far more if she had spoken to an attorney right. She was on food stamps and deep in debt for years until she finally received a settlement. They owned multiple 2-5+ million dollar homes and he just kept appealing everything and counter suing to basically try and make her stop/miserable/etc.

Whatever you decide, hire an attorney and get a consultation. I am serious. He might cheat again, he will just become better at it, and if he realized how much money he would loose and potential alimony, he might have decided to say or do whatever not to loose that $. How did you find out? Did he tell you? If you found out that says a lot too...

Why stay? What does he bring to your life other than saying you have a "successful" marriage? What is success anyway? You have kids, you had some good years, not everything needs to last forever. If you were in a toxic job you would leave. Is it fear of the unknown? Is staying worse never knowing if he cheats and brings home an STD? What is he leaves2, 5 10 years from now? You need to protect your assets especially if he is really successful, some young woman might see that as a ticket to the high life. Whatever you decide to do, get a post nup, talk to an attorney, and protect your assets and your kids assets (you think if he remarries some young thing your kids will ever get money, heck no).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

? People do find work fulfilling or interesting for all kinds of reasons separate from money (being of service, in community, self esteem, interest in the field etc)

Then why didn’t she work before? She’s empty nesting kids are well beyond needing a mom at home.

She’s lying to herself, that’s why she can’t “get over it”.

She needs to be boldly honest with herself …. She’s mad she was made a fool, she mad she’s stuck with a man who doesn’t give a rats as$ about her well being, she’s mad she could at best have a hobby job, she’s mad that he’ll probably cheat again, she’s mad that she has to pretend to be happy in front of her kids.

She’s lying to herself that’s where her angst comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

[Anonymous]

You can and will learn to live with a new normal, where you are still vigilant and second guessing and reading into things. It will fade more and more and you will let your guard down in some ways. And you will think he won’t do it again and you can make it work despite always wondering if there is something you don’t know about going on. And it may work. For awhile. And then … he will do it again. In many many cases. He will. That is when you will leave. If you’re strong enough to do it. If you stay … start now, today, laying the groundwork for your exit if you may need it. If he cheats again. Maybe he won’t. But you need an escape hatch and the means to start over. Consider it insurance for yourself. Good luck.

- someone who was in your shoes once and left when he did it a second time

[Anonymous]

Don't care. I will do what I need to do now. I'm putting my needs 1st from now on.

Anonymous wrote:


Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

So you threw away your own integrity because your wife did? That would just make me feel worse.

[Anonymous]

I think it is so unfair that you are now dealing w/all of this negative emotion on your end just because your husband decided to cheat on you.

Yes - I did say decided because sex is always a choice.
No exceptions.

And in regards to marital infidelity, the passage of time does not heal all wounds. 🩹🩹🩹

You did not receive what you signed up for, plain + simple which is unfair.

Some people can get over an affair >> while others simply cannot.

You may be in the latter group & if you are, then that is okay.

You are not obligated to put up w/a marriage that now has a much different dynamic.

I wish you all the best here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

Then divorce him and start a new life. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

It works for me. And I don't giver her a hard time about the affair in anyway. We spend time together now and are intimate often.

But, me having my own fling with a hot young thing is my payback in my own mind. Maybe I don't have integrity. I don't care. It works for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Don't care. I will do what I need to do now. I'm putting my needs 1st from now on.

Anonymous wrote:


Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

So you threw away your own integrity because your wife did? That would just make me feel worse.

[Anonymous]

You're not stuck with him. I, for example, now live in a little bungalow with a white picket fence, kids, dogs. No boys allowed. No disrupting my peace. I would have been unable to stay and remain mentally healthy. He broke it, and it's not your job to fix it (nor can you totally fix, or erase, the infidelity).

You don't owe him anything.

[Anonymous]

Regardless you need to let go of the old marriage. Whether you stay or go — it’s over. You get to decide whether to start again with him or with someone who hasn’t betrayed you.

Personally I’d be gone. It sounds like you are miserable and part of it is putting yourself in a position to be hurt again. But this is highly personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

Honestly, he might have realized what it would cost to divorce and decided to stay. He might be hiding $. A friend's husband did this. Pretended to want back in (after cheating) and pretended to do the work. We all told her to talk to an attorney asap. She didn't. After a little more than a year (and he continued to cheat), he filed and pretended he had no money, etc. He hid it. He had put things in his new girlfriends name, made it seem like she suddenly had millions of $$ (she was a waitress at a restaurant he owned). He was worth easily $25+ million (owner of a company he sold). She went through multiple attorneys, forensic accountants, and finally had to put liens on homes and another business in order to eventually collect a few million, when she would have been received far more if she had spoken to an attorney right. She was on food stamps and deep in debt for years until she finally received a settlement. They owned multiple 2-5+ million dollar homes and he just kept appealing everything and counter suing to basically try and make her stop/miserable/etc.

Whatever you decide, hire an attorney and get a consultation. I am serious. He might cheat again, he will just become better at it, and if he realized how much money he would loose and potential alimony, he might have decided to say or do whatever not to loose that $. How did you find out? Did he tell you? If you found out that says a lot too...

Why stay? What does he bring to your life other than saying you have a "successful" marriage? What is success anyway? You have kids, you had some good years, not everything needs to last forever. If you were in a toxic job you would leave. Is it fear of the unknown? Is staying worse never knowing if he cheats and brings home an STD? What is he leaves2, 5 10 years from now? You need to protect your assets especially if he is really successful, some young woman might see that as a ticket to the high life. Whatever you decide to do, get a post nup, talk to an attorney, and protect your assets and your kids assets (you think if he remarries some young thing your kids will ever get money, heck no).

Very good advice. OP. Work on making yourself feel secure in some areas of your life. That will bring down the stress and protect yourself in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Weird response. I had a career and did very well. I’m not worried about that. You’re oddly hostile.

HAD

Never to be had again.

Ok listen I would rather not reveal too much but your assumptions are way off. My husband and I both come from money. It’s crass to put it that way, but that’s the reality of the situation. We also have considerable shared assets. We have individual trusts that are protected and money is not a part of this equation in any form. I also am far from materialistic so it’s just not a big concern and yes I’m fully aware of how privileged it is to have that form of freedom.

In terms of career, I’m well educated and I have served on several boards and likely would start a non profit in my particular area of interest and expertise. I have been active in that arena for some time. Again, I’m fully aware that having that option is not typical.