Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same exact boat except I'm in my mid 30s with 2 kids. We are 2 years out from discovery and I just don't know if I can do it. It makes me feel heartbroken for our little kids so I've stayed thus far.

You are in a way better position to leave than op. If you decide to. Your kids will be ok either way.

Op is in her 50s and hasn’t worked in a long time, it sounds like. That’s much more challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do men believe in their ability to recover financially post divorce but women do not despite the fact that child support and/or spousal support will be there? It seems to me that women are more likely to be hesitant because of finances. Men believe they will recover. I read about all these very successful high earning women yet they are still worried about finances post divorce I don't get it. My ex wife earned more than me but I did not hesitate a single minute to divorce her and I didn't seem spousal support from her either. Post divorce I challenged myself to make a lot money and right now I make more than she will probably ever make. I learned new skills, did an online MBA and networked like crazy. We have 50/50 custody but I take our twin to their swimming clubs and travel with them to competitions. I attend as much events as possible for them. She probably attended 10% of such events since we divorced because she is always busy with work. So I am honestly puzzled about this worry that women have about finances post divorce. Can someone shed some lights?

OP sacrificed her career for her family. She wouldn't recover. Women simply don't have the same earning potential and the few women I know who divorced when they had kids at home ALL had to take lower paying jobs so they could still do 75% of the child rearing stuff. Maybe they had 50-60% custody, but now they had zero flexibility and were still taking care of all the educational, extracurricular, health, shopping, emotional development stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you probably realize, there is no ideal option at this point. You can stay, with all the problems you list, or you can leave, which will bring with it a different set of problems, some of which you may not even fully appreciate until confronted with them (financial, living arrangement, kids, alone-ness, etc.). The option of having a perfect marriage and total trust is gone for you no matter what.

It's hard--the choice at this point is intensely individual. It comes down to your preferences, your situation, what you value, your resources, how much you like day to day life with your husband, and a ton of other factors only you have insight into. Neither is going to be what you had before. But I do think it will get easier in time. You don't say how long it has been.

This is the crux of it. Which hard choice with its downsides do you prefer? Or, which can you not live with?

The good news is there will be joy in your life too, whichever path you choose. Because whatever you decide, you're still you, you still have your friends and kids, and you will be OK.

[Anonymous]

My wife cheated on me. One year past D day. For me having a revenge fling with a much younger woman has helped me recover to some degree.

Maybe I’ll forgive down the road, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife cheated on me. One year past D day. For me having a revenge fling with a much younger woman has helped me recover to some degree.

Maybe I’ll forgive down the road, maybe not.

Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

[Anonymous]

Eh you may just have too much time on your hands. Infidelity is somewhat common. Not saying it’s okay, but it’s not like you’re the first victim.

I’d accept your spouse is human and that maybe it was just sex. Of course depends on the extent of the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me 3.5 years. 12 years later, we’re very happily married.

Was he patient with the process?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same exact boat except I'm in my mid 30s with 2 kids. We are 2 years out from discovery and I just don't know if I can do it. It makes me feel heartbroken for our little kids so I've stayed thus far.

You are in a way better position to leave than op. If you decide to. Your kids will be ok either way.

Op is in her 50s and hasn’t worked in a long time, it sounds like. That’s much more challenging.

Op here . I’m working on a second career for other reasons but I’m also fortunate that finances aren’t dictating my thinking (and I completely understand when they do) even if we just split marital assets I’d be just fine. I also am not particularly materialistic and could live very simply. After 23 years of marriage I’d likely get spousal support for a few years. probably biggest concern would be healthcare coverage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think any expectation - either internally or externally derived - that people are *supposed to* "get over" being betrayed by their spouse is innately bogus.

I tried for a year, partly because I was already pregnant when I found out. I just couldn't do it. The pain of betrayal was too great and I couldn't bear the thought of continuing to dedicate myself to someone who held me in such low regard.

If I were you, I would do all I could to ensure financial security for the rest of your days, without betraying (no pun intended) the long-term goal of leaving. There is NO SHAME in leaving an unfaithful spouse, and shame on anyone who indicates otherwise.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

For me it really comes down to . . .

I have faith in myself. Those of us who have been cheated on learn the unfortunate lesson that you can never protect yourself from everything that can go wrong in life. Loving other people, letting them in, means that we will be hurt. Hopefully for most of it isn't infidelity or abusive, but it will happen. But we keep loving anyway. (Maybe not our wayward spouses, but definitely people in general.)

So I don't live with the "what if" of him cheating again. If he does, I will figure it out, sooner or later. I will be OK. My happiness doesn't depend on him. If he's adding to my happiness, great, we can stay together. But if one day he isn't, then I know will be OK.

The rest of it, the trauma . . . healing is not a linear thing. You will feel healed some days and wonder where that happy person went the next. But through therapy, introspection, and self-care, you can heal a lot.

I find meditation very powerful. I focus on what I can control and letting go of the rest. I focus on compassion, for myself and others. I focus on gratitude. When I have big feelings to let out, I do EFT/tapping. Any kind of trauma isn't a one and done kind of thing; sometimes the old wound acts up and you need to tend to it anew. But with intention and time, you will consistently get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took me 3.5 years. 12 years later, we’re very happily married.

Was he patient with the process?

He better had been or I wouldn't still be married to him.

[Anonymous]

It was four years ago and I continue to put up a very good front for our children. When I am an empty nester in two years I will leave her in my rear view mirror. She travels a lot for business so I assume she has affairs. I have spent a good deal of the time setting up my and my kids financial future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it really comes down to . . .

I have faith in myself. Those of us who have been cheated on learn the unfortunate lesson that you can never protect yourself from everything that can go wrong in life. Loving other people, letting them in, means that we will be hurt. Hopefully for most of it isn't infidelity or abusive, but it will happen. But we keep loving anyway. (Maybe not our wayward spouses, but definitely people in general.)

So I don't live with the "what if" of him cheating again. If he does, I will figure it out, sooner or later. I will be OK. My happiness doesn't depend on him. If he's adding to my happiness, great, we can stay together. But if one day he isn't, then I know will be OK.

The rest of it, the trauma . . . healing is not a linear thing. You will feel healed some days and wonder where that happy person went the next. But through therapy, introspection, and self-care, you can heal a lot.

I find meditation very powerful. I focus on what I can control and letting go of the rest. I focus on compassion, for myself and others. I focus on gratitude. When I have big feelings to let out, I do EFT/tapping. Any kind of trauma isn't a one and done kind of thing; sometimes the old wound acts up and you need to tend to it anew. But with intention and time, you will consistently get better.

Op here. I love this response. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took me 3.5 years. 12 years later, we’re very happily married.

Was he patient with the process?

He better had been or I wouldn't still be married to him.

I understand what you’re saying but could you tell if he was frustrated at times with how long it took? Mine tries to hide it but I can tell and it makes me feel like I can’t bring anything up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife cheated on me. One year past D day. For me having a revenge fling with a much younger woman has helped me recover to some degree.

Maybe I’ll forgive down the road, maybe not.

Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

Tit for tit.